I have always hated the story of the Tortoise and the Hare.

Why? Because it gives people a terribly unrealistic idea of how to get ahead in life. The turtle wins the race not because he goes slow and steady, but because the rabbit is an idiot. The real message of that story isn’t “slow and steady wins the race”, it’s “don’t be a smug, cocky asshole or you will look like a total idiot when someone way slower than you beats you in a test of speed. ” By all rights, the turtle should have lost. It was, to put it mildly, the rabbit’s race to lose.

The best you can say is that “slow and steady gets there eventually”. And even then, not necessarily.

Perhaps some of my irritation at that insipid and counterproductive fable is because I am sort of between those two extremes. I am certain not fleet of foot, or anything physical like…. at all. But I am blazing fast of mind, for mostly better and occasionally worse, and a lot of my life I have been extremely frustrated by how slow everything is.

Starting with school, of course. I was always light-years ahead of everyone else. Every time the teacher had to go over something again so the slower students could catch up, a little part of me screamed then died. Never mind the fact that a lot of the time, I already knew what was being taught. Having to back up and go over it again was like a form of Hell.

And yeah, I know that makes me seem pretty arrogant. I suppose I am. But the fact remains that I am hella smart, always have been. And sometimes, I am going to want to talk about it.

Anyhow, I grew up being a hare forced to go through life, or at least school, at tortoise speed. Physically, I was totally a Taurus tortoise, but inside this capacious cranium I have a platinum plated supercharger and a need for speed.

Things would have been different if someone had actually figured out how to challenge me. Perhaps if I was a more demanding personality, I could have forced them to do so, either by demanding it outright or acting up until they realized that the only way to keep me quiet was to keep me entertained.

But I lacked the courage and self-confidence for that. Mostly, I did what I was told. I had a smart mouth and could be very difficult when someone was trying to get me to do something I didn’t want to do (moo!), but for the most part, I was too timid to really do anything on a Bart Simpson level.

I sometimes feel bad for my teachers. I must have been a hell of a lot to handle. Nothing like being needy AND sarcastic.

I really do contain a lot of contradictions. In some ways I am incredibly bold and self-confident. I have never had any problem speaking up for what I believe. (Kind of the opposite, really. ) I have a lot of intellectual self-confidence, as well as confidence in my own insights and perceptions. Maybe that just comes from being smarter than everyone else growing up, I don’t know. Maybe if there had been someone to really put me in my place and take me down a notch or ten, I would have learned a thing or two about humility.

But no such person existed. Even the adults were intimidated by me. I learned at an early age that I was a giant amongst pygmies and I had to tread very carefully just so I didn’t hurt anyone or scare them away.

And it hurts to have to do that all the time. At times I felt like it was all I could do to keep myself from just… floating away from everyone into the stratosphere of my own mind. Who knows…. maybe if I had let go, I would have learned that I could fly, and most importantly land, all by myself.

But as is, the very tender tether I had keeping me in contact with the world of humanity and warmth that was all the positive emotional input I had needed constant, multi-level concentration to maintain. No wonder I became such a loner eventually. When I was alone, I did not have to run my hopelessly ineffectual and costly simulation of normalcy.

Maybe I would have been better off just striking out on my own fully. Tell the world “see you on the next horizon!” and head off on my own and forging my own path regardless of my desire to stay within the warmth and light of emotion. Perhaps then, I would have learned to be self-sufficient, and thus learned that I can handle whatever comes along and need not fear the open road, and actually become a less timid, more confident, and altogether easier to get along with and more likable person.

But that was not in the cards. I have always walked sideways, crabwise, between curiosity and ambition pulling me forward and fear and timidity pulling me backwards.

I mean, at the same time I was this academically gifted elementary school kid, I was also the kid who went through emotional paroxysms when the time came to pick a new author’s books to read.

Even then, I had serious option paralysis issues.

Now, whenever I look at my past, I wish I had been bolder. I wish I had just gone ahead and developed that big ego everyone seemed so worried I would get, including me. Fuck humility. At least a huge ego would have kept my self-esteem afloat and been of some comfort to me when I was all alone in the world.

Maybe it’s not too late. Perhaps I can still escape the gravity well of ironic self-awareness and the vast black hole of depression and become the cocky, confident, bold as brass version of me that I know is in there somewhere.

I swear, I won’t become much more of an asshole.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.