Someone in particular, that is. Right now I am a cipher made of potentials and possibilities. There’s a lot of people I could be. But the thought of choosing one and sticking with it fills me with the worst possible case of option paralysis.

I suppose the problem is that I am stuck in the “scared animal” mentality that wants there to always be multiple ways out of any situation. And that makes me very hesitant, and that’s a big problem. Healthy people have, largely without knowing it, picked a persona and stuck with it long enough to develop it into something that suits them.

Me, I am stuck at the whole “But what if I pick the wrong thing?” phase. I know, intellectually, that sometimes making the wrong choice is vastly preferable to making no choice at all. By remaining so hesitant and undecided, I deny myself the very spiritual growth I so desperately desire. This leaves me timid and interferes with my ability to deal with life on anything like a realtime basis.

Hence, I am awkward and socially clumsy, and can’t really get on with life and time and growing the fuck up and finally learning to connect with others.

That’s the thing about growing up. The longer you put it off, the harder it’s going to be. But you have to do it anyway… otherwise you will die inside. Root-bound. Growth, as it turns out, is not as optional as we modern people want it to be.

You either do it, or you end up mentally ill from the stresses building up inside you. Impacted growth is the main cause of a lot of the problems of us “failure to launch” types. Depression, rage, bitterness, and that deep deep pain that makes you want to scream and jump out a window… and all because we don’t want to grow up and take on adult responsibilities.

That Peter Pan is an evil son of a bitch, selling us on never growing up like it’s something you can do without any consequences.

I am lucky in that I have no desire to revert to childhood. Not unless it meant actually going back in time with my mind intact. Becoming an actual child now would offer few advantages. If I could revert to any specific biological age and stay there, I would choose to be 25 forever. I was relatively healthy, and energetic, and I had completed my brain growth, so I was out of the woods re : psychosis and other serious mental illnesses.

I’m a brain nerd. I worry about this kind of thing. I was quite relived when I made it out of the “danger zone”, namely the ages between 20 and 25, when things like schizophrenia and psychosis emerge. I have felt like I was on the verge of going crazy for a long time now.

I was glad it didn’t happen. I am mentally ill, true, but I would rather be depressed than deranged any day of the week.

Anyhow, it is clear to me that if I want to continue to grow and recover, I am going to have to learn to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. It would do me a lot of good if I could turn down my metaconscious a couple of notches so I could live a natural life without constant self-conscious second-guessing and harsh interior judgments.

Clearly, Sheriff Superego is out of control and needs to be reined in. And I know damned well that Mayor Ego can’t do it. It’s in cahoots with the superego.

No, there’s only one force that can fight the fascist government of Sheriff Superego, and that’s the lone gunman known only as the Cincinnati Id.

I better exit this metaphor before I get completely carried away by it.

But the point is valid. Like I keep telling myself, I have been suppressing the ever-loving fuck out of my id for a very long time, and it’s high time I let the poor thing out of its cage so it can get some exercise. Maybe even let it drive some of the time. Silence the voice inside that insists that acting without thinking can only lead to instant disaster and learn to cut loose and live a little.

Easier said than done, of course. I have had this deep paranoia that drives me to overthink everything for a long long time. It is very hard for me to be truly spontaneous. My overwrought mind is constantly busy trying to control outcomes via prediction and anticipation. Always trying to make the smart choice.

Which is, in and of itself, a stupid choice. Life can’t be lived like that. for most people, I suspect, it’s not even an option, and they are all the healthier for that. It takes a certain amount of mental horsepower to be able to sustain an out of control superego. That’s why certain kinds of neurosis are most commonly found in the above-average-IQ set.

You have to be pretty smart to be this fucked up. Not that I am bragging.

I keep coming back to the idea of transcendence. It feels like that is my only hope for anything like transformation. Otherwise I will be stuck very slowly tunneling my way out of this ice prison until I die, never having known true joy or real freedom.

Perhaps I can trigger this sort of experience consciously. Or at least, prepare my mind to solve this problem itself via dreaming. In dreams, there is no superego to interfere with the healing process, and our unconscious mind can sort things out without being bogged down by a need to “understand” what is going on.

Just let it happen, man. Your mind knows what it is doing and is perfectly capable of healing itself. All you have to do is get the fuck out of its way. I know it’s hard to believe in what you cannot predict, let alone control, but sometimes letting go is the only chance you have to regain control of yourself.

Sometimes the only way to make it to your destination is to lay your burdens down and rest a while. They will still be there when you are done.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.