Time, in this case, being my side.
Woke up this morning with what feels like a stitch in my side and from what I can tell it appears to be here to stay.
That’s unheard of for me, at least so far. Usually I can massage those things away, or stretch them out, which hurts like industrial grade fuck but it works.
But this one is hanging around and that has me worried.
For the record, it’s not quite in my side. It’s about two inches ahead of my right side, in what I will affectionately refer to as “the stretchmark zone”, though I suppose for you non-obese people out there it would be known more as my “love handles”.
And it definitely feels muscular. It’s too close to the surface to be some organ or other having an issue, though I could be wrong.
And like the classic stitch in the side, it really feels like some muscles have been stitched together, so that when I move it tugs on the thread painfully.
Right now, I am medium worried about it. It is persistently painful and the pain is bad enough to make me cry out, so on the purely childlike scale, it’s a problem.
But I am not quite ready to take it to the ER or UC yet. After all, for all I know, it might just resolve itself over time. I might feel that tiny pop you feel when you stretch out a cramp and then the problem is gone.
Things that would escalate this to “make it worth it to go to the ER” status include : the pain getting worse, the pain becoming constant, the pain spreading, secondary symptoms like fever or nausea showing up, or the sky opening up and a great booming voice saying, “Go to the ER already, you knob!”.
I’d have so many questions.
Meanwhile, today was Therapy Thursday, and I yakked Doc Costin’s ear off as seems to be my standard mode these days.
Makes his job easy. All he has to do is listen and understand what I am telling him. Which is not always easy, granted, but he’s known me well enough to have figured out how to speak Fru by now.
Just like my friends. Hi, Felicity and Julian!
I told him about the whole “opening the door and letting fresh air in” thing where I have been feeling better lately – better mood, more energy, more relaxed – and I credit that to having made that leap into believing that the world has all the things in it that I want and need and all I have to do is go out there and find it.
And I will do that soon. Any minute now. Honest.
I told him about how I feel like I can actively engage with my emotions now, without the need for analysis, intellectualization, or the imposition of false order.
Feels pretty good, to be honest. I feel so much more real lately. As I drill through all the calcified gunk that has accumulated in the plumbing of my soul and basically re-bore my entire subconscious circulatory system, more and more of me comes online and I feel more human and real with every passing day.
So psychologically speaking, I’m doing alright.
The old fear is still holding me back, but it’s getting weaker. Right now it’s just part of the gunk clogging up my mind and pretty soon it, too, will be flushed out.
The important thing now is to work up the courage to stop hiding. It’s time to decloak and make myself known to that big bad world out there.
But I’m not afraid. You know why?
Because I’m fucking awesome.
More after the break.
Sunny, with showers
Right now, I feel a bit depressed.
Which is fine. Now that I am in contact with my real emotions (LTNS!), that means all emotions will have a chance to express themselves, including the sad ones.
Besides, the reason I am feeling a bit low could not be clearer to me : I have not been getting enough sleep lately.
In fact, I think I’ve been rocking a slight hypomanic state. That would explain why I have so much more energy than usual, and why I have been napping way less.
Good riddance to the naps, I hope they don’t come back. I’ve been abusing sleep by making it my escape hatch from reality for far too long, and I am sick of it.
What’s left now is to program myself to ignore the pathetic cries of the old habit that I have to sleep when I can, before the opportunity is taken away by having to actually do something with myself like blog.
This attitude creates an entirely bogus sense of scarcity and urgency, and I don’t need that shit any more. Like I have to hurry up and nap before the door to sleep closes.
Whatever. I’ll just sleep after I do the thing. Worst case scenario is that I end up blogging or going to Wound Care or whatever when I am feeling super sleepy and that is rather stressful.
But it’s entirely possible to go from feeling sleepy to being wide awake without sleeping. And it doesn’t take caffeine or other stimulants either.
It just takes pulling yourself together and digging deep into your energy reserves in order to get you through the next little while.
This is something most people learn to do when circumstances force them to stay up when they would rather be asleep. Things like school, or work, or looking after the kids, or other similar obligations.
But I’ve done almost none of that shit, so I have to learn this the hard way. Even my most recent experiences with school only took up a total of like, maybe ten hours a week, and the rest of the time I could snooze.
Granted, when it was VFS, that sleep was bracketed with a 45 minute Skytrain trip in each direction, and there were definitely times when it would have been really nice to just drift off to sleep cradled by the gentle rocking of light rail.
But I can’t stand the thought of class happening without me. The mere thought of falling behind and missing out was enough to get me to class and back.
Thank God for FOMO, eh?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.