Well, I had no sooner finished the first part of this article that I thought of a bunch more really cool bits of knowledge to take back in time with you when you head back to make yourself Emperor (or Empress) of Earth for all time forever.

So put that brain back in its mason jar, save your place on mineallmine.com, and grab that special book on your bookshelf that opens the passage down to your Cackling Room, because it’s time to learn more wonderful ways to completely crush the primitive humans of centuries past.

Concrete

This one is so huge, I can’t believe I forgot it on the first half of the list. Concrete is one of the basic ingredients of modern society and is well within the capabilities of a Bronze Age civilization, if somewhat complicated to get started because you have to get cement together first. But once you can get all the ingredients together and make it work, your society can now build ramparts and buildings far stronger than your pre-industrial enemies could possibly even dent, let alone destroy. Add in steel, and you could make skyscrapers if you wanted.

Glass and glassworks

Talk about low tech! All you need for basic glassworking is heat and sand. With that, you can blow glass, and once you have blown glass, all you need is the right sort of fine grained surfaces in order to be able to polish glass and make lenses. And from lenses…. eyeglasses, telescopes, binoculars, maybe even lasers if you’ve very clever. Granted, it’s not quite the amazing civilization changer that concrete or steel might be, but still, those prehistoric skyscrapers are going to need windows. Hell, windows! Before the invention of decent glass, there was no way to light the inside of your hovel without either having a big hole in the wall, or using a candle. But thanks to glass, your empire will have indoor sunshine!

Steam power

This is a bit of a dicey one because the art and science of steam power is well known, but actually harnesses the awesome power of steam requires extremely high quality engineering, machining, and people who are willing to go in there and do that amazingly brave, dirty, hot, and dangerous job known as “steamfitting”. It’s not necessarily something you can just jump into without burning through a lot of slaves really fast, and that might not be the best thing for your rep as a semi-benevolent dictator. Still, once you rule the world and have retired to a quiet life of reflection, statesmanship, and orgies, you might find the time to tinker a bit and get at least basic steam power working without too much carnage. At the very least, you can make toys to amuse your masses of progeny.

What coal and oil are good for

And for that matter, where to find them! Think of the riches and power (both political and literal) to be had by knowing where all the good stuff is.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Coal and oil! Aren’t those Bad? I mean, just because we’re power mad megalomaniacs willing to trash all know history just to put ourselves in control of the Destiny of Man, that doesn’t mean we’re not sensitive to the effect our Empire has on our one precious Mother Earth!

Relax. You don’t have to use these things for energy forever. Eventually, you will build up enough modern society to have access to solar, hydro, tidal, and whatever. But until then, you will need a good energy source, and coal and oil really fit the bill. And if you’re still not convinced that you need that sweet sweet crude oil for your globe-spanning empire, I have one word for you : plastics.

Basic human nutrition

I wasn’t sure whether to include this in the “hygiene” section of the previous article, but they are not really the same thing, so what the hell. It might seem like knowledge of the Food Pyramid is not the kind of thing which brings nations to their knees, but remember that the reasons the British are known colloquially (and affectionately) as “limeys” is that they were the ones who figured out that scurvy was caused by a lack of Vitamin C, and so their sailors were given limes to prevent it. And just like that, their sailors were the only ones in the world who never got scurvy, and well… rule Brittania. So between nutrition, hygiene, and antibiotics, yours will be the healthiest empire in the world. And a healthy soldier is a powerful one.

OK, that’s it, I swear. I am totally done with this concept and can move on now. I promise.

(You hear that, brain? No more bright ideas!)