April 26, 2017

Midnight to 3 am : Social time with friends.
3 am to 10 am : Sleep
10 am to Noon : Free time/struggling towards conciousness
Noon to 12:45 pm : Lunch
12:45 pm to 4 pm : Therapy (I arrived an hour early and I got home by bus)
4 pm to 5 pm  : Bloggin’.
5 pm to : Free time. Looks like I will not get much work done today, except that…
9 pm to Midnight: Paragon story meeting with Felicity, Garth and Amos


The winner mindset

Here’s what I have figured out about the winner mindset so far :

  1. Winners are not overly concerned with objective reality. To them, everything is either a stepping stone to their success or irrelevant. This keeps them focused and driven, and it’s that drive that powers them through obstacles that would stop a loser.
  2. Winners don’t quit. This seems obvious on the surface of it, but a lot of people waste a lot of time ignoring this basic truth. Winners take the attitude that they will never quit pursuing their goals unless the universe forces their hand. Otherwise, it’s eternal striving, and the joy it brings by making you feel alive.
  3. That means winners do not make excuses. They recognize that hiding behind excuses – especially flimsy ones – is loser thinking and refuse to go there. If they don’t succeed at something, they don’t make excuses. They don’t assign blame. They know that no matter what, their response will be the same : get up and try again. Excuses and blame only get in the way of that.
  4. Winners are brutally honest with themselves when it comes to performance. You either make it or you don’t. They will scrutinize themselves after every failure, find the weakness or lack that led to the failure, then attack it with great ferocity.
  5. Winners see obstacles as challenges, not roadblocks. Winners believe that the greater the obstacle, the more glory there is in overcoming it, and they know that when they overcome it that it will only make them feel stronger.
  6. Winners believe in strength.They know that strength is the key to success and they strive to become stronger all the time. They are attracted to anything they can use to become stronger : stronger body, stronger will, stronger character, stronger mind, stronger everything. They know that the stronger you are, the easier life gets, and the more they can take on. They cherish the feeling of strength and will do what it takes to preserve and expand it.
  7. Winners are not afraid of pain or hard work. They don’t relish pain but they do not let the fear of pain keep them from getting what they want. They know that pain is temporary and success can last a lifetime. So they are willing to work hard to get what they want and the fact that this makes life harder doesn’t bother them.
  8.  Winners are deeply connected to their id. They feel the inner fire that drives them and they intuitively grasp that it is this fire which will power them to victory as they define it. Instead of trying to kill it off, they give it all the freedom they can, and only suppress it when it gets in the way of their goals or does not conform to their sense of themselves. If it registers to them as weakness, they will drive it out of themselves. But otherwise, they let their inner fire burn freely, and this is the source of their seemingly limitless energy.
  9. Winners have a high opinion of themselves. This is often seen as a weakness, but it is vitally important to success. You can’t succeed unless you believe you deserve to succeed, and unless your definition of success is extremely modest, that is going to require going quite a bit beyond the ordinary world into the realm of high achievement. Their self-esteem is the same size as their goals. It has to be.
  10. Finally, winners act on their emotions guided by their reason. They act on impulses and accept the consequences. They understand, deep down, that acting on their impulses strengthens their will, and that things which seem stupid in the short term can pay off on a personal level, at least as a visceral lesson of what NOT to do.

That’s what I have so far. But know this : this does not mean that if you do not think that way, you are doomed to being a loser forever.

You are only a loser if you refuse to even consider the idea that they know things you don’t and you could learn a lot from their example. If you want what others have, you have to think about how they got it and what part their mindset played in that.

If you are willing to learn, and open yourself to change, you can move from loser to winner. Not instantly, of course, but over time. You can dig deep and find your id connection – here’s a hint, it’s located near your lust and ambition – and learn to open it up and harness its raw power to your dreams, and ride it fearlessly to your destination.

You also can start catching yourself employing loser thinking – like “that’s too hard, I could never do that” or “someone like me could never do that” – and replacing them with winner thoughts – like “this is going to be an amazing challenge” and “there is nothing wrong with me and I deserve success as much as anyone else does”.

I am just starting out on this journey myself, so don’t think I am coming at this from a place of smug security I have been the victim of loser thinking for a long long time, and it is not going to be easy to reprogram myself to shake the loser dust off myself and learn to think like a winner.

But I know it can be done. I have seen the results of my small efforts in that direction and they are amazing. I have full confidence that as long as I stay on this path, I will be able to transform myself into the person I have always wanted to be : charming, confident, decisive, easygoing, and primed for success.

So no more excuses. I am going to spend my days kicking ass and my nights taking names. I want to succeed so bad I can taste it, and instead of suppressing that feeling, I am giving it a blank check to take me there.

I am not saying that I will become a famous television writer some day – that’s a contradiction in terms.

But I will be a highly respected and very well paid one.

And to think, you all knew me from Way Back When!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.


April 25, 2017

12 am to 10 am : Sleep!
10 am to 12 pm : Free time
12 pm to 12:45 pm : Lunch
12:45 pm to 1:45 pm : Looking into freelance work.[1]
1:45 pm to 3:00 pm : Unscheduled naptime [2]
3:00 pm to 4:20 (heh)  : More depressing freelance and/or job research
4:20 pm to 5 pm  : Portfolio work
5 pm to 6 pm : Checking out craigslist
6 pm to 7 pm : Dinner
7 pm to 8:30 pm: Bloggin’
8:30 to 10 pm: Trying hard to marshal my thoughts so I can write.
10 pm to Midnight : Free time. (Maybe on the weekend… )


Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. As usual, everything requires experience and/or qualifications I don’t have. Inventing my own job seems inevitable.
  2. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice

What I can see

Is very little, as it turns out.

I have been pondering the question of my eyesight ever since I mentioned it in yesterday’s blog post. And I have reached a difficult but inarguable conclusion.

I’m a high functioning visually impaired person.

I don’t think my vision has ever been corrected properly. My glasses just get me to the function range. But there are still lots of occasions where I run into difficulties due to my visual difficulties and that’s been so true that I bullshit to compensate without even thinking about it. It’s second nature to me.

The big locus for this in my life is noticing things. Thousands of times in my life I have faced the question “How could you not notice that?”, and I never have a satisfactory answer for the person who is asking, often quite angrily.

I’ve passed this off as my just not paying much attention to my environment – and that’s true as far as it goes. I am a deeply interior oriented person. I always have a lot on my mind, both consciously and unconsciously, and that means I do not have much room on my cognitive pathway for input from my senses.

Basically, I think so hard that it blocks my sensory input. I will notice the thing I am paying attention to and little else. It’s rare that I spontaneously notice things in my environment. There needs to be a reason for me to start paying attention to what I see.

Otherwise, I get enough information to enable what I am doing, and that’s it.

.That’s why there is no point in honking at me as you drive by. By the time I pull my head out of clouds and look, you’ll be long gone.

Even as I sit here typing away at my computer, I have most of reality tuned out. I can read the screen and hear my music and that’s it. My bed is right behind me and it could be on fire for all I know. That’s how deep focused I get.

OK, the light and the smoke of a burning bed would likely get my attention. But you know what I mean.

Now when I say I am visually impaired, I am not claiming to meet the legal definition of it. I can function perfectly well in society and that means I am not, strictly speaking, impaired. My problems are more subtle than bumping into things.

But speaking of that, I think my visual acuity issues are behind my lifelong clumsiness. If I find myself unable to do what others find very simple, it’s because I am working with far less information than they are.

For instance, for me, the edges of things have always been blurry, and they have always wavered. To me, there is no such thing as a straight line, at least not subjectively. What others say is a straight line, I have to take on faith.

It’s like I am constantly trying to see things through a thin layer of heat distortion. Must be from my fiery passionate nature and burning desire for success.

Well, okay, that’s only recently come to light. I am working on it.

I think I suppressed it for so long because of the intellectual folly of trying to control outcomes with the power of your mind. That places far too large a burden on your “self control”, or at least what you think it is.

It means that you can never fly off the handle, never directly vent your emotions, never let emotions get in the way of clear and logical thought, and above all, you can never include raw emotion in any of your “logical” decisions.

Well if you’re so logical, why aren’t you happy?

This suppression is at the heart of much of what is wrong with Western culture. At some point (probably the Greek Revival period), the culture embraced this emotion-denying, soul-numbing, life force suppressing rationalist bullshit about how we should suppress our “lower” animal selves and force ourselves into the ignorant ego’s idea of the “higher” self.

As if you can build a tower while destroying the foundation! If we manage to be human, it is on top of (and at the mercy of) our “lower” selves. Those “higher” selves can only exist if the rest of our hierarchy of needs is taken care of, from the bottom up.

A person who desperately needs to use the bathroom is highly unlikely to be thinking thoughts of a deep and spiritual nature or pondering the eternal verities.

The Athenians understood that. That’s why they had “body slaves” whose job it was to look after all those “lower” needs so that their master would be free to think lofty (dare I say Olympian?) thoughts.

I would keep mine SO BUSY.

But no, the West got stupid again and began promoting the lunacy of asceticism as the most holy way of life and even something towards which the average person should aspire in order to be “closer to God”.

You know, the same God that created humans to have those “lower” emotions like lust and hunger and such. Apparently, the life-deniers of Christianity’s death cult (got that one from Nietzsche) think God is the sort of being who does things just to make doing what He wants you to do harder.

Either that, or they think God screwed up when he made us.

And while we have survived generation after generation of progressive reform, we’re still not ready to simply accept ourselves as the complex beings we are. We still wall emotion off from reason and create this inane split in people’s mind where they feel shame for simply being live animals on Planet Earth.

We will not truly be enlightened until we can accept our whole and integrated selves without any unnecessary divisions or mindless shame.

The same creatures that build skyscrapers make sure to put bathrooms in them. The same great people of history who created cities, circuses, and symphonies also masturbated. Human beings have stepped onto the surface of the Moon, but they never would have made it if they hadn’t brought their own oxygen.

We are not purely animals. We are not purely human.

We are animals who know how to be human.

And that’s all we’ll ever be.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.




April 24, 2017

12 am to  12:00 pm : Free time
12:00 pm to 12:30 pm : Lunch
12:30 pm to :3:05pm :  First-stage portfolio development – compilation (I think I got it all… )
3:05 pm to 3:50 pm : Researching freelancing work (There’s a heck of a lot of it. )
3:50 to 4:40 :  Contest work(they’s so expensive 🙁 )
4:40 to  6 pm : Forum exploration (Cracked)
6 pm to 7 pm : Supper
7 pm to 8:45 : Bloggin.’
8:45 to 10 pm : Naptime
10 pm to Midnight : Free time.

So far, I have the “job hunting in the afternoon” thing going good, but the “writing at night” is proving to be a trickier beast.

I need to make some concrete plans in that direction.

See ya tomorrow!







Listen to this

Let’s talk about sensory priorities.

I have realized recently that I am heavily biased toward audio. Because I was born with very poor eyesight, I learned to rely on my ears instead. That’s why I love two hearing biased activities so much: music, and words.

And hearing is how I interact with people. I listen to them. Almost all the information I get about a person comes from their voice. And not just the words. I get a lot of information from things like tone of voice, phrasing, diction, and so on. In fact, I would say that 85 to 90 percent of information I get from people comes through my ears.

Actually looking at them comes in a dismal second. To me, faces are like a label on the audio source that is that person. I think that’s why it tends to take me a longer time to associate faces with names than most people. My mind is working so hard on the audio that it lives little space for visual tasks.

That’s why I can tell you what someone said… but not what they were wearing when the said it. I’ll remember facts about their lives… but not whether they parted their hair to the left or the right today.

I am just plain not very visual. I can see well enough to get through life but very little of what I see makes it to long term or even medium term memory. The only way I remember deeply visual information is if there is a strong emotion anchored to it.

Or, of course, repetition. Places I stay for a long time get deeply ingrained. I could draw you a floor plan for my elementary school, my junior high, and my senior high. I could draw you an extremely detailed floor plan of the house I grew up in. Every piece of furniture, every painting, every item in the kitchen. All of it.

Heck, I could probably do floor plans for everywhere I have ever lived for more than a month or two.

That’s one of the dubious benefits of agoraphobia, I suppose.

But that’s it. Otherwise, it’s audio all the way.

And the thing is, I think this makes me, in a very specific way, intellectually impaired. I say that strictly in the sense that there are definitely cognitive tasks (and not just visual ones) where my performance would be significantly below average.

It’s all part of being the over specialized hothouse flower that I am, I suppose. If I was making a version of myself in a point-based RPG like my fave, Champions, I would have to put tons of points into things like intellect and creativity but almost nothing in anything else. Just the absolute minimum required to function in society.

So like other hothouse flowers, I only thrive in a very specific environment, and anywhere else, I wilt and dry out.

I have yet to find the environment in which I evolved and to which I am perfectly adapted.

Maybe I will find it in entertainment.

The real problem with being so audio fixated is that it interferes with social interaction. I don’t look at people when I talk to them most of the time, let alone make eye contact. If I do make eye contact, it’s extremely brief, like a rock skimming the surface of a puddle.

That’s a whole different thing as well, though. Eye contact freaks me out. The connection is too intense and the barrier between me and others threatens to collapse.

It’s possible that I am further along on the autism spectrum that I previously thought. I just hide it really well by being so goddamned intelligent and articulate. It doesn’t take much effort for me to prove to the world that I am brilliant, and I am capable of such things as spontaneous humour, deep empathy. and startlingly accurate insights into people’s personalities that Asperger’s patients, stereotypically, find extremely difficult or even impossible. So I am far from a “textbook case” for Asperger’s

Story of my life, really.   Nothing about me is typical.

But I do have a lot of trouble with social interaction. No doubt it stems back to my extremely isolated childhood. There’s so much that we are meant to learn from our fellow humans, especially those our age. I got none of that.

It expresses itself as anxiety in me. I feel very lost in social interactions when they go outside the group of people I know and trust.

I am getting over that, thank goodness. I’m not going to get far in show biz being a recluse. I plan to build up a number of activities that demand I leave the apartment and go out into that great big beautiful world out there.

Because there is only one cure for the effects of social isolation, and that’s social exposure. Like any other phobia, social anxiety can be conquered via exposure therapy, although that alone is unlikely to do the trick.

You need therapy too.

But it’s only via exposure you can overwrite the bad tapes with new, more positive tapes. It’s also the only way to desensitize your hair-trigger fear response.

My goal is to get out of the apartment on my own around three times a week. Not sure if that will come from three weekly things or three one time things or whatever, but the point is to get myself used to going out to things and at least checking them out.

Who knows, I might find myself a cozy little spot in a compatible subculture. That would do me a world of good. There’s all shorts of odd little niches I might reasonably occupy.

Like bears (the gay kind). Or writers. Or ga(y)mers. Heck, just getting together with my former classmates (if there are any still around) could be fun.

And, of course, I will be scanning for media events in Vancouver I might be able to get into on a constant basis.

Gotta get to know people who know people, right?

And hopefully, somewhere along the line, I will learn social skills.

That would be nice.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.




April 23, 2017

12 am to 4 am : Video games

4 am to 2 pm : Sleep (for reals)

2 pm to 3:30 pm : Blogging

3:30 pm to 5 pm : Nap (ten hours wasn’t enough, apparently)

5 pm to 5:20 pm : Shower

5:20 pm to 12 am : Social time

So I didn’t get any job stuff done today. Guess this was my Day of Rest! I will have to plan around that in the future.

And yes… I am going to do one of these a day no matter what.

It will help me stay motivated.



The opposite shore

Slept like ten hours today. Highly unusual for me. I must have needed it pretty bad.

It was somewhat difficult sleep. I woke up feeling kind of crappy. Nothing like when the issue really hits me hard, but not wonderful either.

And it gives me a feeling of survival. Like I barely made it. That’s probably caused by the sleep apnea. My body works very hard just to breathe when I am asleep,. It is a body fighting itself. So when I do finally emerge from the murky and turbulent seas of by troubled sleep, it feels like my time asleep was one very long swim to cross the river of the night and make it to the opposite shore.

It’s a serious problem, and yet, as it stands, I am not doing a damned thing about it.

I still haven’t gotten myself to try CPAP again. The machine just sits there, gathering dust by my bedside. I remember how life was better when I was using it every night. It did help. The problem wasn’t solved but it did help,.

But it’s also a lot of hassle and it feels unnatural and it involves a ton of struggling with myself and suppressing panic.

And that’s what it was like before the thrice cursed thing failed me in the middle of the night causing me to wake up gasping for the air it suddenly stopped providing me.

This is why I have trust issues.

So let’s say, for the sake of argument, that there is no chance I will ever try CPAP again. The logical thing to do now would be to go see my GP and tell him CPAP did not work for me and ask to explore other forms of treatment.

That’s not going to happen either.

Why? Because then I would have to confess to totally ignoring the issue for over two years. That’s a major roadblock for a social phobic like myself.

It also intersects with my strange relationship with authority figures. It is very hard for me to fight the urge to protect myself by telling them everything is okay. And other things I feel like they want to hear.

It’s how I used to deal with my parents and siblings. I think it was because I was so desperate for any form of approval. And I was so shy that exposing my vulnerabilities felt like an intolerable risk, like crossing the street without looking.

It’s another manifestation of my core duality, aka the fight between my desire to be noticed and recognized and loved versus my desire to be left alone and thus feel “safe”.

It was (and is) a highly maladaptive coping mechanism.

Nobody can help me with problems I do not admit even exist. I can’t blame people for not being able to see through my repeated assurances that everything was A-OK. Perhaps if there had been an authority figure who invested a lot of time and attention in me, I would have eventually felt safe enough with them that I would tell them how miserable I really was and how horrible my life was.

But nobody has ever been willing to invest that much time and effort into me. For much of my life, attention was something that came in small doses and at random intervals. I think I felt like I had to make the most of those moments and not spoil them by being a downer.

Plus, as a socially anxious person who is very sensitive, I knew that when people asked how I was, if I told them how I really was, things would get very awkward. They would say “Oh. ” and a vast gulf would open between me and them because they did not expect to have to deal with a negative reply. What’s worse, it would be a reply so negative that it would be like the ice cracking under their feet, threatening to dump them in my icy depths.

They didn’t really want to know. Even if they thought they did.

Person : How are you doing?
Me : Well, I contemplated suicide six times yesterday, which is an improvement over the previous day’s ten times, and currently I feel so depressed that nothing feels real and a voice inside my soul is silently screaming for death 24/7,.
Person : Oh.
(seconds of intensely painful silence)
Person : But other than that, you’re okay, right?

Plus there is a certain kind of pleasure in telling people what they want to hear. It comes with its own little empathic thrill because you have made that person happy, therefore you feel happy for a few moments.

It’s the same kind of feeling I get when I make people laugh. It’s like my own capacity for happiness is so broken that I can only feel happy when I bypass the broken circuitry via my empathy channel and get my happiness from someone else.

I suspect that’s true of a lot of comedy type people. That’s why so many of us are depressed people who turn to substance abuse to self-medicate. You have to do something for the pain for all those hours when you are not onstage and are forced to deal with yourself all day.

Thank God that modern antidepressants came along and offered people an alternative. Substance abuse is still rampant but modern antidepressants must have reduced the number of addicts by a substantial amount.

Or at least reduced it amongst depressive neurotic intellectuals like me.

Not that I have not been tempted. In fact, to be brutally honest, I think the main thing that kept me from substance abuse was that my poor social skills insured that I would never have contact with the sorts of people who could get me illicit substances.

I’m just not cool enough to be a junkie. Or even a drunk. My addiction is food, and while that’s a highly deadly addiction, it has virtually no cachet.

Instead, I commit very slow suicide by neglecting my health due to the rampant fucked up issues in my head.

At least I can go back to weekly therapy sessions now.

That should help me sort out all the bad writing in my head.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.



Today’s Work Tally

1 pm to 2 pm : Worked on series proposal

2 pm to 3:37 pm : : Google centric job hunting

3:38 pm to 5 pm : Creating and editing public profiles

5 pm to 7 pm : Breaktime, which includes mealtime.

7 pm to 9 pm – : Bloggin’

9 pm to 11 pm : Naptime

11 pm to Midnight : Fun time

And that’s my day!


The social defective in society

I just watched an episode of a pop-science show called Brain Games about how people tend to “follow the leader” in a lot of things. It culminated with a simple and brilliant experiment where all they did was set up a sign that said LINE STARTS HERE on the Vegas Strip and set up  a few velvet ropes behind it and get one person to stand at the head of the line .

Sure enough, after a few cautious sniffs from the passing crowds, a vacationing couple joined the one guy (who was a plant, of course) and after that, people started lining up behind them. And the longer the line got, the more people joined.

And remember, none of these people have the slightest idea what they were waiting in line for. They joined the line because anything with a line that long has to be good, right?

And that is the normal response in human beings.

But that would have never worked on me. I know this because I have encountered this situation. What I did was walk up the line (from outside the line) and asked someone at or near the front of the line what everyone was waiting for.

Then I exercised my own judgment as to whether the thing they were waiting for was worth the wait to me.

Admittedly, nobody ever said “I don’t know”. If they had, that would have tipped me off instantly, especially when the person at the head of the line said it. I would instantly know that someone was fucking with them and it was probably a TV or a social science experiment or possibly both.

That’s because I am socially defective.

Due to my intensely lonely childhood, I was (in effect if not strictly true) isolated from others of my species and therefore did not receive the proper socialization from other members of my species. I never learned how to tap into the zeitgeist and let it lead me.

On the contrary, I act like any under-socialized primate and actively avoid anything everyone else is doing, at least till I have made my own judgment.

And that’s the thing : I only trust my own judgment. Nobody else’s. I defer to others on matters of facts and knowledge if they are more learned in the subject than I am, but when it comes to judgment, I make up my own mind about everything.

That makes me, perhaps, some kind of ruggedly individualistic intellectual, but it’s just a side effect of being socially defective I don’t think I am capable of taking on someone else’s judgment without verifying its logic myself. That part is simply not installed in me. If I tried to do that, I would immediately panic and ask myself “But how do I know that they’re RIGHT?”. And then I would have to use my own judgment anyhow.

Us social defects usually have massive trust issues. Without the ability to partake in the mutuality of human life, we do not get the rewards from social interaction that healthy humans do, and that makes us a suspicious and mistrustful bunch.

That is only reinforced when our isolation from the social stream attracts negative attention. We are not conscious of what we are missing, and so these attacks seem absolutely unprovoked and without meaning.

But while I would never call these attacks justified, I understand them, Having someone who is not in sync with the group is disturbing to those who are perfectly in sync. They don’t know how it is possible to be so “weird” (remember, everyone else they know is in sync) and that makes the aggression come out. The anger is supposed to either force synchronicity on the social defective or drive them away so that they stop disturbing the members of their synchronized in-group.

They are seldom aware of this, of course. They are simply responding to the messages their social instincts are feeding them.

It is sometimes said that the problem with us social defectives is a lack of empathy, but I find that term misleading and inaccurate.

It’s misleading because it makes us sound like sociopaths. Like we truly do not care about others. But that’s almost never the real picture. We care as much as anyone else[1], the problem is that we are operating on much less information that the socially healthy.

The problem, then, is not empathy in general but that particular subset of empathy I will call social empathy, That the empathic channel dedicated to sending and receiving social cues. That is as opposed to emotional empathy, which is more about syncing with individuals and feeling what they feel.

Despite the fact that society tends to shun us, it actually needs us.

Society will always need people who are immune (or resistant) to the social illusion and can see what is really going on. We act as the voice of reason and do our best to warn the herd when they are about to collide with harsh reality when it doesn’t match social reality.

It also needs us as independent thinkers who can solve seemingly unsolvable problems due to this ability to see through things.

Ever since I was a tween)and first read Flatland) , I have felt like I am not in the same dimension as everyone else. There was so much that I could see that others could not, and things others found obvious were perplexing mysteries to me. My radio was not tuned to the same frequency as others’.

In a previous era, I might have been a holy man, a seer, a scholar, or even a leader by dint of my unusual capacities. I might also have been a miserable recluse, a madman, a misanthropic hermit, or simply one of history’s many clueless victims.

In this current era, it comes across more as my being a totally clueless dork with some surprisingly good ideas.

I can work with that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.


Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. In fact, we often care a lot more than others because of our suffering