I am in a not so fun part of my mood cycle right now. I’m cranky and moody and sullen.

I’m in a Gen X state of mind.

It’s always a bad sign when I find myself thinking, “I hate my life!”. It generally means my anger and frustration is building and I am going to need some sort of catharsis soon in order to vent it.

Last thing I need is for it to vent internally.

But it’s on the list.

There’s a few external factors too, though those might be symptomatic of my bad internal state too I suppose.

I am stuck in not one, not two, but three different video games, and it only takes being stuck in one to put a little black cloud over my head.

Stuck on a tough fight in Fell Seal. I even set all my fighters except for one to AI control and I still couldn’t do it.

Turns out not even the computer can beat this encounter.

I know what the problem is, and it’s that the tactical thinking part of my brain refuses to cough and sputter back into life.

Picture me trying to get a very stubborn engine to turn over.

So I am playing rather stupidly. If I want to progress in the story, I am going to have to up my game and start thinking logically and precisely.

Kind of like a chess player. I assume. If only the game had a grid overlay… I do better with grids. Grids give me quantities I can deal with.

Way easier to deal with “this unit can move three spaces” than “this unit can move three meters”, at least for me.

Also stuck in another game, Thronebreaker : The Witcher Tales. I have reached a point where there is a sort of puzzle that I have to solve and I am currently at the, “argh, this is IMPOSSIBLE!” stage even though I have beaten the game in the past so I kind of know for certain that it is, in fact, possible.

Which only makes things more frustrating, because god damn it, I figured it out before, why can’t I figure it out now?

It’s these kinds of things that make me realized I am not nearly as mellow as I think I am. I am, in fact, pretty ornery and testy sometimes.

And that pleases me in some obscure way.

I guess I am just glad to have a self-defense mode. We need anger. Anger is a vital part of our sense of safety. It assures us that we can stick up for ourselves when needed.

Without it, we are helpless to advance our own self-interest.

Take it from one who knows. I have been so out of touch with my id, especially my anger, for so long that I have barely done anything to help myself at all.

I don’t even clean up my room. Or myself.

The third game is Daggerfall, which is the second in the Elder Scrolls series of games and is thus an ancient artifact from the year 1996.

And I am not stuck in it per se. I’ve just been trying different character classes and can’t seem to find the right “fit”.

Today I was trying different magic wielding classes, but they are all limited by the fact that all the useful spells use up like half your starting MP and so you basically have two tries to zap an enemy and then you’re a really shitty warrior.

Presumably it gets better as you level up. But I dunno if I will have that kind of patience!

More after the break.

I don’t want to do anything

Apparently, this depression is worse than I thought. It just took me over half an hour to get out of bed because I was having a very hard time finding the motivation.

I was in one of those very negative mood states where it’s hard for me to remember why I ever do things at all.

The very thought of doing anything so onerous as actually getting out of bed seemed like veritable death march of drudgery.

Obviously, I got there eventually. Managed to get myself up and on my feet and into the kitchen to nuke myself a chicken burger.

Side note : at least I am getting better at having something genuinely tasty and appealing (and full of Vitamin B12, of course) for supper every night.

Stuff that beats the hell out of all that bologna. Ick. I might be off that shit for life.

Anyhow, got my chicken burger together plus a can of carbonated beverage (Diet A&W Root Beer, yum), and that will be my supper for right now.

Because with lack of motivation comes lack of appetite. Sadly. My appetite might bounce back eventually, though. It does that sometimes.

After all. my metabolic needs haven’t slackened, just my desire to fulfill them.

I know what I need : a good cry. Once I am done with my words for the day, I will turn the lights off, get into bed, and attempt it.

I swear I had made myself able to cry when I needed to for a while. I don’t know what the hell happened to make me freeze up inside.

Probably the same thing that caused me to stop remembering dreams.

Anyhow, it’s just depression. It happens to me sometimes. It’s probably a delayed reaction to all the emotional work I have been doing lately in regards to tearing down that wall between me and the world.

That’s the sort of thing that is bound to cause some fallout.

Won’t stop me, though. Won’t even slow me down. I am going to keep grinding away at that fucking thing until it collapses or I do.

Because I have to be free. It’s well beyond any pragmatic concern now. This is something I need all the way down in my soul, and to hell with the consequences.

That god damned wall has to go.

I won’t bother invoking Pink Floyd.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.