And it’s beginning to worry me.
For over a week now, I have spent a majority of my day in the general vicinity of the edge of sleep. I find myself having micro-naps when I didn’t even know I was sleepy.
And it seems to be lasting longer and longer every day.
Like, today I went to Wound Care at 3 pm, and I was falling asleep while the nurse was working on my feet.
At 3 pm, for crying out loud!
Side note : One thing that sucks about having the appointment at 3 pm was that I take my evening dose of Gabapentin at 8 pm or so, so by 3 pm I am almost halfway between doses, and therefore, my pain was a lot worse than it usually is when I do this whole Wound Care thing in the morning.
Also, by the time we got home, it was 3:40 pm or thereabouts, and that meant that at 4 pm, when I usually go make lunch, my muscles were still way too sore for me to even think about a trip to the kitchen and back.
So here I am, surviving on trail mix (good) and No Name All Dressed chips (not good).
In general, I have been buying too much junk food lately. Chips are especially bad because they digest so quickly and therefore hit my bloodstream pretty hard.
Anyhow, where was I? Oh right, sleep.
It really has me worried because I am way too young and pretty to be one of those old people who drifts off to sleep super easily.
And I especially don’t want it coming up in socially awkward situations. Like if I am talking to someone, or the nurse is doing my Wound Care.
I would be very embarrassed if I fell asleep in those kind of situations.
My God, am I glad I am not a university student at this time. There is no way I could stay awake during most lectures when I am like this.
And not only would falling asleep be an insult to the professor, I would fall behind the other students, and I HATE HATE HATE the idea of falling behind.
That must be somehow related to being the youngest of four kids and spending my formative years shouting, “Wait up! I’m coming! Don’t leave without me!”
Anyhow, yeah, so I keep drifting off to sleep at weird moments. I am tempted to call it narcolepsy but that’s a serious medical condition that has to do with a part of the brain not doing its job at all, and I don’t think the problem is that bad.
At least not yet.
The problem seems to clear up once the sun goes down. So maybe the real issue is that I have finally meta-morphed into a true day-sleeping creature of the night.
I hope I’m not turning into a vampire. Hunting victims seems like so much work. Imagine having to hunt down human prey, wait until they are alone and isolated, then stalk them and sink your fangs into their neck so you can drain their life essence as they futilely struggle against your vampire strength. then suddenly stop as the sweet embrace of death silences their beating heart forever, EVERY TIME you wanted to eat.
And in some versions, you have to do that shit EVERY NIGHT.
More seriously, if this daytime sleepiness continues, I am going to have to bring it up with Doctor Chao before it gets totally out of hand.
I wish I could just wake up, take a leak, then go directly back to sleep like a normal person, but I can’t. I have to get out of bed and do something on the computer while my body and my bed cool down from my fevered sleep
Holy shit, I just fell asleep for a few seconds while writing about my sleepiness
This is nuts.
More after the break.
Maybe it’s transitory
Of course, this big nap attack business could be just a phase I am going through.
Something I have to endure on the long and rocky road to recovery
I’ve had the idea that my mind has somehow become more permeable to sleep flash through my brain a number of times when pondering this subject.
Also, somewhat less mystically, the notion that as I awaken and arouse the sleeping giant of my full personality, I become more willing to cede some of my precious “self-control” to sleepiness.
For most of my life, I have reflexively fought sleepiness like a cranky toddler. Like becoming sleepy at the right time was some sort of violation of my autonomy because I decide when to go to sleep, dammit.
Even I can see how batpoop insane that is.
And I think maybe a lot of my progress towards sanity is going to involve my giving up the illusion of control in favor of a flexible and intelligent attitude that cedes control where it is a wasted effort and concentrates more on controlling myself to do the big things that actually matter.
It’s a matter of prioritization. A lot of things are best left to essentially run themselves, without the messy meddling of the conscious mind.
And I think as I relax my rigidity, I will regain some of my self and who I truly am as I reclaim the energy that was being wasted on self-opposition.
All these years later, I am still trying to become one with myself. I first read about that concept – of striving to become united in thought and action and emotion so that you can function as a single being without inner conflict – when I was a teenager.
It still sounds like a great idea to me.
But now I know that this is going to involve a lot of internal surrender. “Arguments” that have been happening within me for decades will have to be resolved in whatever manner yields the most peace and harmony, regardless of who is “right”.
As always, the hardest part of recovery is changing yourself.
Luckily, I am prepared to do it.
Open the hood and hand me a wrench. And a blowtorch.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.