Well, you know what the music means.
It means that it’s time for Fru to get sick again.
Let’s give that poor old fox a round of applause to cheer him up!
And then watch his vid.
I get wacky when I’m ill.
Update : I feel a little bit better than when I recorded that vid a couple hours ago. I’ve gotten more rest and that seems to have helped with the feeling of malaise.
But I still feel pretty crappy. I feel swollen all over. My joints are bitching a little louder than usual every time I move. I feel stiff.
And not in the fun way. Ba dum bump.
What the hell, I feel inflamed, let’s see if a naproxen will help.
The shortness of breath incident has me pretty worried. That’s not normal and it’s not good. Someone with common sense, like Joe, probably would have gone to the ER or Urgent Care based on that, but I am my own weird little being so I didn’t.
But obviously, if anything like that happens again, especially if it’s worse, I am calling 911 and packing a bag.
It still could just be the heat and/or dehydration, According to Microsoft Co-Pilot (who is my Jesus) it’s only 20°C out, although with the humidity and sun it feels like 25°C.
So, not exactly cool and breezy but not crazy hot either. Hmm.
I was kind of assuming this was a crazy hot like 30°C in the shade day. That would have explained my current condition quite neatly.
Once more a beautiful theory is slain by an ugly fact.
Other than feeling ill, it’s been a decent day. Checked my finances and I am doing fine, which is always a good feeling.
I’ve been contemplating saving up for that power supply upgrade for Mister Computer, although it seems like those got way more expensive all of a sudden.
I thought it would cost me $80 and now it’s looking more like $140.
Oh well, no blinding rush, I’d just like to be able to play games with a heavy 3D component without my otherwise very snazzy computer going on the fritz.
Pardon the lingo, flatfoot, but sometimes I drift.
There’s also the possibility of floating some AI creativity tool some cash for a subscription so I can play around with that for a while.
It would probably still be Descript. The 3D AI animation generators are all pretty cool, but until one lets me input my script and it then spits out a movie, I’ll decline.
It wouldn’t have to be all that complex a movie, come to think of it. My main superpower is funny dialogue and that just requires two characters, some basic facial animations, and decent AI voice generation.
That all seems pretty doable. Hmmm. Maybe there’s a business idea in all of this. Something like that old XtraNormal program but with way better voice gen.
Oh well, it’s not like I’m in a position to do anything about it.
I’m an idea fox.
The actual execution of the idea is not really my specialty, although obviously when it comes to things like videos I don’t have much of a choice.
I’d love to be able to just record the raw video and send it to someone else to edit.
Actually, there’s no way I would be able to trust someone else to do that. I would have to keep doing the raw edit myself.
But someone else can add the pictures and clips, dammit.
That shit is a lot of work!
More after the break.
A dark corner
I feel like I’ve turned one recently.
Which shows, I suppose, that my mood has gone through some necessary destabilization. Yesterday, after my day out at the Kinsmen center, I felt quite good about life in general.
Today, not so much.
Being physically ill in some as yet unknown way probably doesn’t help. Being sick is depressing. It tests one’s resiliency and I don’t have much.
Most days I am just barely holding myself together. I don’t talk about it much because I don’t like to think about it much.
But there is a reason I learned to hug the midline so hard. The way of the dysthymic style of depression like mine is to sacrifice the highs in order to avoid the lows and thus we live in a state of stable twilight where nothing much happens as we dwell in stasis.
Lowering my Paxil dose has been my adventure in abandoning that model. I am willing to endure the lows if that’s what it takes to be able to climb higher and maybe even find a place of superior stability.
This has amplified my mood cycle and I guess I am somewhere near the bottom of mine right about now. I find myself struggling to remember why I bother to do anything at all. Everything feels like such a struggle.
I guess this is another place where routine comes in. You don’t have to find the motivation to do things if you are just doing them out of a combination of habit and not having a better idea of what to do with yourself.
At this point, giving up and staying in bed all day would be way too big of a change.
Besides, I would get really, really bored. I need a hell of a lot of mental stimulation and there’s only so much I can get from playing my synthesizer and reading.
So I have to get out of bed. I don’t have video games there any more!
And thank God for that.
It’s times like this that I find myself pondering the bare ingredients of my paltry existence and what a sad little life this is for as great a mind as mine.
And it always comes down to the same brutal equation : nobody can dig me out of this hole but myself, and I ain’t up to the task.
All I can do is keep slogging away and trying to bring myself to life in the hopes that some day I will break through my inner walls into the sunlit world outside them.
And maybe that can only happen when I don’t need my walls any more.
And I have no idea how the fuck to bring that about.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.