Both against my depression and, ya know, life.
Still getting the sneaky sleepies. Almost fell asleep during wound care this morning. It’s just a matter of time before it happens unless I become a hell of a lot chattier.
If I was keeping up my side of a conversation, that would keep me awake. I hope.
Unless the conversation was really boring.
But I am not a chatty person. I respond to other people’s small talk but I am not capable of generating my own.
I don’t generate my own big talk very easily either. I swear there was a time when I could start conversations but now my mind just goes blank.
Maybe I used up all my creative energies blogging now. I dunno.
Going back a parenthetical, I did have an amusingly odd experience at Wound Care. I kept hearing what sounded like someone’s impression of what an old man sounds like.
No words, just gibberish in a corny old wheezing old man voice, kind of like some old person puppet in a kid’s show whom everyone seems to understand but us.
And whilst I was sitting there with a nice lady working on my feet, I pondered this surreal phenomenon. But the penny didn’t drop until I heard the nurse talking back to him and realized the conversation was in Chinese.
No wonder I couldn’t understand him! 🙂
Meanwhile, I continue to be somewhat depressed. To be honest, it’s beginning to grate on my nerves. I want to be rid of this pall that seems to be clinging to me and waiting to pounce on my when I stop being too busy to pay attention to it.
I wonder if it’s related to the sleepiness. Perhaps its all a sign of my untreated sleep apnea getting worse. I dunno.
I know the depression is at its worst right after I wake up. And lately I have been waking up in that sweaty, incoherent, don’t even know my name state quite often.
Not hard to see how that might leave me depressed even after I physically recover.
Just to be on the safe side, I will start doing my breathing exercises when I feel myself feeling really bad and see if those help.
If my oxygen level has been low, that sure would explain a lot.
But I can’t forget the psychological aspect too. I have been breaking down long established walls inside me and those walls, while toxic in the long term, were holding back my depression and anxiety in the short term.
Whatever. I will trudge on through. No retreat, no surrender. This tank is going to just keep rolling over everything in its path like a bulldozer from hell and whatever gets in my way will be crushed like peanut butter under the weight of my treads.
Slow. But inexorable. Like glaciation.
And of course, if things get bad enough, I will go to the hospital. Though it occurs to me that I have no idea what happens when you go to the ER with depression.
I feel like they would probably say, “Yeah, nice try, druggie!” and call Security, but that is probably just the depression talking.
I suppose I could call or text chat with a hotline or something instead. Talk to someone who will listen and hopefully understand my problems.
Or at least sound like they do. I know that I am not the easiest guy to relate to for most people. Even my fellow nerds can only meet me part of the way.
Being a unique little snowflake really fucking sucks sometimes, ya know?
It’s like I’m from another planet.
More after the break.
How to terrify a killer
This is EXACTLY what made the original Equalizer such an amazing show.
This is exactly the sort of thing I would do if I was a vigilante. Merely bringing them to justice would not be enough. Not for the real scumbags like this guy.
By the time I was done with them they would be BEGGING TO BE ARRESTED.
In my own highly refined way, I am a very brutal man. Not every criminal would warrant that kind of treatment, in fact, most wouldn’t.
I would specialized in those that did.
The friendly alien
I was pondering the conflict between being friendly and personable and being weird and alienating earlier today.
Maybe that’s why the idea of being an alien or a robot or the like appeals to me, and to a lot of other alienated nerds just like me.
Because then there would be a reason. An explanation. Instead of awkwardly trying to explain and/or justify myself to people (which never works), I could relax assuming people would just go, “Well no wonder he’s alienating, he’s an alien!”.
I definitely feel like I have been trying to be someone I am not. Not in the conformity sense exactly – I lack the social skills to conform even if I wanted to – but more like I have a software conflict in my personality that causes me to try to be Mister Wonderful when my weirdness always shines through and ruins it.
I would be far better off coming up with a persona that works for all of me. Hence the idea of being a friendly alien or robot or whatever.
Obviously I am not going to try to actually be those things, but they give me something to aim for in this world which has furnished me with very few role models.
Because there’s nobody else like me in the world. I am one of a kind. The most I have gotten from others is little fragments of identity like random pixels of a picture.
I still have nothing even approaching a single, unified, suitable conception of self that I can use to anchor my identity.
All I can do is improvise.
And that’s so very tiring.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.