Today, I gave storytelling a try.
And the video turned out fine. But I’m not happy with it.
I could have sworn that the story I tell in the vid was a lot funnier. But somehow it doesn’t seem all that humorous to me now.
Perhaps I’m too close to it.
Or maybe I need to add a laugh track.
Still, I have loads of anecdotes so I am glad I broke ground on telling them. I’ve never done much comedic storytelling but the internet runs on stories so there is definitely a market out there for funny stories told well.
Heck, maybe I could just record myself reading one of my short stories out loud.
It would be the closest I’d ever get to working from a script!
Today has been mellow. Did Wound Care this morning. Everything went smoothly as usual. The wound on my right foot remains closed.
I am supposed to be painting it with iodine once a day. Such a charmingly old fashioned kind of treatment. Like applying a liniment or taking headache powder.
So far, I have not remembered to do that even once. So if the dang thing ends up infected, I will have only myself to blame.
Well, myself and the germs, but they can’t be held legally liable.
Mood wise, I am doing okay. I still have moments where I feel scared and/or lost and/or like I wanna scream, but my brain is struggling to rewire itself so these things are to be expected, I suppose.
Which reminds me…
The way up
That’s what I am looking for, in my own way.
I’m searching for a way to raise my mood and I think the first step in that is convincing myself that it’s safe to be up.
Or if not safe, then good.
That’s how seized up my internal engine is in my ego’s quest for “control”. Being up might lead to doing unforeseen things on impulse, and that’s strictly verboten.
It’s like my mind has been occupied by a fascist regime that oppresses and suppresses me in the name of “national security”.
Safety uber alles. It’s a terrible way to live.
And it all leads back to that primary trauma of being raped when I was 4 and that convincing me that the world was a horrible place that I should have as little to do with as possible in order to not disturb the big part of me that went to sleep back then.
And it’s still sleeping now, the poor thing.
The bullying was the final nail in the coffin of my relationship with reality. Especially when it happened outside of school.
That’s when I concluded that the only safe place was home, and the only truly safe place at home was alone in my room, reading.
That way I wasn’t in anyone’s way and nobody would notice me and I wouldn’t feel ignored, dismissed, neglected, or like I was getting on someone’s nerves.
It’s always better to feel alone when you are alone that to feel alone when you are surrounded by people who technically love you.
Man I’ve led a lonely life. No wonder I’m so god damned weird.
And even now, I only feel safe when I am alone. That does not, sadly, keep me from being lonely. I want to be with people. I’m happiest when I am around the right people.
But I still isolate myself because anxiety doesn’t give a shit about happiness and it’s going to enforce the edicts of my inner regime come what may.
I’m working on it.
More after the break.
I finally did it
I bought a new game!
It’s called Rogue Trader and I mostly got it because it’s by Owlcat Studios, who made the two Pathfinder games, Kingmaker and Wrath of the Righteous, that I absolutely loved to bits.
Plus the reviews are good and it was on sale for a non-insane price of around $40.
So far it’s pretty cool. They are really leveraging the awesome “fantasy meets science fiction” vibe of the Warhammer 40K[1] universe on which the game is based. The setting reminds me of Dune that way.
Plus it is that rare thing, a science fiction (ish) RPG, and I am enjoying the hell out of that. Finally I can play a turn-based isometric RPG that doesn’t rehash Tolkien.
I have nothing against elves and orcs and stuff but it’s EVERYWHERE in my preferred genre of game and I am sick of it.
And I am very, very definitely a science fiction guy deep down. I’ve read a fair bit of fantasy too but science fiction is and always be where my heart is.
My character is a close combat specialist. I figured I might as well do something different that my usual wizards and sharpshooters/archers.
Though I dunno. In a universe with guns, melee skills might seem a little quaint. I assume I will have abilities to compensate for that.
Like deflecting blaster bolts with my light saber or something.
Do you suppose that there’s such a thing as a heavy light saber?
I’m just glad I finally frigging picked something. I’ve been dickering and dithering for weeks with like $60 sitting there on my Steam account waiting for me to make up my mind and find something!
I’m also glad that, if I want to, I can stop playing Tyranny. It’s not a terrible game but I don’t find it very inspiring to play.
Part of that is the dark and semi-evil tone, part of it is the lack of an overall noble quest, and part of it is the drab and depressing brown and grey art design.
I might keep playing, I dunno.
But Rogue Trader is turn based and Tyranny is “real time with pause” so it’s not really a fair fight. I’m a thinker, and thinkers prefer turn based.
In fact I wish the real world was turn based.
I’d be so good at it!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.