Still trying to climb to the very summit of this issue and plant my flag there.
For someone who is never really there, I do okay. I mean, I have had no complaints about my relative absence that I know of.
Guess I have everybody fooled.
Or maybe I just have me fooled. Maybe this whole idea that I am not really here and have been living behind a miles thick invisible wall my whole life is the foolish thing and yet another layer of my tiramisu of tormented delusion.
My ex-roomie Eamon Jones once told me that I wasn’t crazy, I just thought I was.
TO his credit, he immediately saw the logical problem with that statement. Because what is the delusion that you are insane but another form of insanity?
Still, there might have been a milligram of truth in there. Or not, I dunno.
I am just in the mood to doubt everything I think I know about myself and my life. Now that I have realized I have deep and profound reality issues, everything has come into question and I am determined to just keep peeling back the layers until I get to the truth.
After all, I have always sought the truth above all else. This era of my life is no different.
The problem is, you can’t know all of what you failed to perceive. So I don’t know if there were people who tried their best to get through to me and failed.
I know about some who tried. Like pretty much every teacher I ever had in elementary school. Being decent teachers, they did try to connect with me.
But I was on another planet, far far away. Like so many people in my personal history, they tried to get through to me, I gave them the bizarre mixed messages of seeming like I was there and not there at the same time. they realized they had no idea how to tell wiht me, and they ended up just shaking their head as they gave up on me.
Not ideal behaviour for a teacher or other adult caretaker, granted. But perfectly understandable. They had a bunch of other, more comprehensible and “normal” kids to look after. So there was only so much time they could spend trying to crack the shell of that weird little fat kid.
At the time, though, I didn’t know I wasn’t there. That was my normal. Still is, more or less. I am trying as hard as I can to come down off of my cloud but all my instincts rail against it so it is very rough going.
As always, as I push through via sheer determination and weaponized precision hate, I will also be looking for a key flaw I can exploit to make the whole thing crumble away like so much broken shoreline in a rainstorm.
Erosion is real, y’all. Take it from someone who grew up on a glorified sandbar.
Every day, I feel like the machinery I have assigned to the destruction of my wall growing bigger and stronger and more determined.
That’s what makes me certain that I have passed a vital tipping point and from this point on the process can only accelerate.
Every bit of Midnight Tundra reclaimed frees up more of my latent energies for use in freeing up still more.
And one day soon, the whole stinking wall will come down.
And there I will be, exposed before my peers.
Hi. I’m Mike. I’m new here.
And things are never going to be the same now that I’m here.
More after the break.
This is freaking savage
Warning, this will chill you to the bone :
What gets me is how angry and affronted he is that someone DARED to question him. He’s super pissed off that his evening’s entertainment was interrupted. There is no sense of fear or even worry in him at all.
Great idea to re-enact police transcripts, BTW, and superb acting. I have seen the same thing done with court transcripts too.
There is a lot of meaty drama in those documents if you are willing to dig for it.
The liberation of Michael John Bertrand
As I peel back my layers of (potential) delusion, I get closer and closer to something like “the real me”.
I’ve always been a little uncomfortable talking about that kind of thing. The “real you” or “who you really are” or “going to place X to find yourself”.
To me, it always sounded like bullshit. Just an excuse to fuck around.
But now I see the point of it all. I know that there is a “real me” that has been buried under layer upon layer of numbness and delusion that I wear like an underpowered mech suit to “protect” me from the big bad world.
Freedom, therefore, will come from taking that damned thing off. I have to be willing to defiantly bare myself to the world and breathe free, clean air and feel the sun on my skin for the first time in a very long time.
I don’t care what happens to me after that. Whatever it is, I will deal with it.
I always do.
It will be a process of spiritual liberation and I will go into it and through it knowing that I cannot possibly know where it all is going or really control the outcome in any way.
All I can do is have faith in myself and my ability to deal with the unexpected.
Yeah, I hate surprises, but that doesn’t mean they are fatal to me. I can handle myself. I can deal with life in realtime. I can be naked before the world.
I can leave my shell behind for good so that I can finally outgrow it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.