Over my life, I have encountered some questions which never fail to aggravate me when people ask me them, because they have no decent answers and are never productive at all.

Here’s some of them.

What makes you think you’re so smart?

Standardized testing? High marks in school? A string of unprompted testimonials throughout my life? Puckish glee at annoying people like you?

There’s really no good answer here. (Thought that last one is probably worse than the others. ) No matter what you say, the person simply will not be happy. They have reached the point of asking you this because you have committed a mortal sin in their ears, namely acting like you think you’re smart or that you know something, and any honest, truthful answer will simply enrage them further.

So why do they ask it? I am only guessing here, but I think in their world, this question usually prompts the person to disclaim any impression they might have inadvertently given that they thought they were smart in any sense, and thus serves as a classic macho dominance move.

In their world. But in my world, between honesty and ego, I am never going to disclaim my intelligence. I do think I am “so smart” and I am perfectly willing to back up whatever I say with arguments or evidence or whatnot. I don’t think I am the smartest person in the world, but I am quite confident that I am a smart type person, and so all you are going to get in answer to this attempt to put me in my place is an answer composed of honesty and smartassery. Only the proportions will vary.

If you disagree with something I’ve said, or think I am attempting to dominate your group, feel free to disagree with me. I could be completely wrong. I am at times quite clever and even somewhat wise, but equally as often, I am completely out to sea. And if I am wrong, I’ll admit it, no problem.

But don’t ask me stupid questions like this one and expect me to back down. Homey don’t play that.

What do you think you’re doing?

Boy, do I hate this one. I’m a lifelong total klutz with three older siblings, the closest one being 4.5 years older than me, so I got to here this one way too often as a wee kid, usually when I was faithfully and carefully trying to do some task or chore and making a complete hash of it.

And like the other questions on this list, there is no good answer. Merely meekly stating what it is, literally, that you think you are doing (Washing the dishes?) does not satisfy.

And obviously, being a smartass does not help the situation.

“Well, I think I’m doing a very slow version of the “Boston Bop”, but I can’t seem to time the dip properly.”
“I think I’m being yelled at by someone bigger than me who is too impatient to explain to me how to do things so I am forced to wing it. That sound about right?”
“A poignant question. Does anyone truly know what they are doing? You know, I think it was Descartes who said ‘To be is to do…. ‘ ”

Not going to help you out, but when you’re at the bottom of the pecking order, you’ve got to fight back however you can, and sometimes, being a smartass and making your oppressors angry is the only kind of revenge you ever get.

“What, you don’t like what I said? It hurt you, and made you angry? GOOD!”

And then you just take whatever consequences may come, knowing you earned them.

Who do you think you are?

I don’t think anyone likes this one. It combined universal aggressiveness of intent with completely baffling vagueness and is nonsensical on the face of it to boot.

Again, my instinct is to give an answer which combines honesty and being a smartass.

“I don’t know, who do YOU think I am?”
“Are you asking me for ID?”
“I think I’m the Queen of the Pleasure Planet, but my underwear says my name is Tuesday…. ”
“Could you rephrase that in the form of a question with an answer?”

… or really, what I consider to be the definitive answer….

“I think I’m me. ”

I mean, what else can you think?

But obviously, none of these answers will actually help the situation. Nothing will. It’s just so incoherent and aggressive a question that just asking it is a conversation killer.

Now, being a lifelong smartass, I figure that whenever there is no good answer, you have every right to give whatever answer you will enjoy the most. I mean, you’re screwed anyhow, might as well have fun.

But I would much rather I had never been asked the question in the first place.

Who put you in charge?

OK, this one I bring on myself, though usually only by accident. I almost never actively seek a leadership position. It’s just too much of a commitment, too much of a complication, too much…. just too much, you know? But I end up in leadership positions sometimes because I have a big mouth, I’m opinionated, I express myself well, and I have natural knack for sounding like I know exactly what I am talking about.

So many is the time in my life when I have, without meaning to, ended up with everyone listening to me and following my advice and more or less electing me leader by primate consensus when I, clueless wonder, think all I am doing is stating my opinion just like everyone else.

And for someone who thinks a lot more about leadership and dominance than I do, it must seem like I am making an obvious play for power (possibly unwittingly taking it from them) and then compounding my crime by pretending innocence.

Through the years, I have learned how to do a little fancy footwork to try to avoid the situation whenever possible. But it’s always a possibility.

You can always verbal-judo the question and say “Nobody. Why, what makes you think I am in charge?”, but that will likely only make the asked confused and hence angrier.

Well, there ya have it, a random assortment of non-productive questions that I strongly dislike being asked. They have no good answers and serve only to make things worse.

I imagine I will continue to fence with questions like these my whole life. I suppose everyone does. It’s not like I am some kind of special case.

I mean, who do I think I am, anyhow?