Still feeling a little grumpy, although nowhere near as bad as I felt before writing Thursday’s soul-cleansing blog entry, so there’s progress.

Today’s grumpiness has less to do with feel trapped and crazed and more to do with just feeling existentially blah. I’m not angry at the world, I am just somewhat disappointed in it, like the world is someone you take home from the bar because they are gorgeous but they turn out to be crap in bed.

The main issue, that of not being satisfied with my life, remains. I mean, looks at this thing :

Save this pic to your hard drive. There is a lot of wisdom in it.

Like most people lucky enough to live in the modern world, I have the bottom layer pretty well covered. I don’t worry about where my next meal is coming from. (Odds are : it’s the fridge.)

I have access to clean water at the turn of a tap (except for occasional ‘turbulence’), I have heated (if not cooled) shelter so my homeostasis needs are taken care of, I have air to breathe and a nice place to poop. As for sex, well, I am flying solo there but still, it’a taken care of.

Then we go up a layer and the results become more mixed. I have security of resources, my body, and property. Not so much employment (I have none), health (multiple medical issues) or the family (mine is far, far away).

And I am not sure exactly what security of morality is. Feeling safe that you will not have to morally compromise yourself? Security in your moral well-being?

Either way, I imagine I have it, because in order to be in danger of doing something to morally compromise yourself, you have to be in danger of actually doing something.

And that’s not too likely.

Up to the next later, Love/Belonging, and I start really losing ground. I have friendship, of course, and I would be so very lost in this world without it.

But family? Sexual intimacy? Nope and nope. I recognize that sexual intimacy is something I presumably need, but I have never had it, so I don’t crave it or anything.

Sometimes it’s good not to know what you are missing.

And my family is out there, but far away from me both emotionally and geographically. I certainly do not feel like I have them to count on or that they are a major part of my life, nor am I a major part of theirs. I love my family… but we’re not close.

The next layer up, the Esteem layer, is where I come up goose eggs. I don’t have any of that. Self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others…. I can’t imagine any of that relating to me. I might be respected by others without knowing it, although I can’t imagine why.

And as for respect for others, let’s not go there, OK? Because I can’t go there without the howling demons of my deep sense of rage, abandonment, loneliness, and betrayal roaring into life and starting to take big fat bites out of my ability to respect or trust anybody, and I am forced to face a very dark and dangerous part of myself.

And I just don’t feel up to that right now. Maybe I will talk to my therapist about it. It seems like the sort of thing that is important.

Interestingly, I actually do better on the top layer, Self-Actualization, than the one below. I have found outlets for my creativity (you’re reading one of them), I am pretty good at some kinds of problem solving, I consdier myself to be highly unprejudiced, and I am all about accepting facts.

I won’t claim to lack self-delusion, because of course, thinking you have no delusions is the biggest delusion of them all.

But once I know the facts, I face them and accept them as best I can. I am a philosopher at heart and the core of being a philosopher is to be completely submissive to the truth.

You know, looking over that list, I notice there is no entry for freedom. I consider that to be a pretty big need that all animal life shares.

Plus there is not an entry for romance per se, just sexuality intimacy, which does not really cover it. We’re a pair-bonding species, we need to have a mate.

I find it hard to imagine myself in either romance or sexual intimacy. Not, at least, until I get over my mental health issues well enough to get out there and meet people already.

Quibbles aside, you can see that I have a lot of unmet needs, especially Esteem ones. Those are the ones whose bite I feel most sharply as I sit here at 40 years of age with very little to show for my time here on Earth. Most people my age have families, careers, achievements, material luxury and comfort, and are only just beginning to get around to that Self-Actualization layer.

Me, I have never been in a relationship, barely ever dated, have spent most of that time leading a pathetic and highly dependent lifestyle that I dare anyone to try and respect, and have basically lost almost my entire adult life to mental illness.

I feel like I have been frozen all these years in crystal-clear ice, so I could see the world, but never be a part of it or partake of its warmth.

And no doubt, my icy prison has preserved and protected me from the world. And that’s a bad thing, because I never got the kind of stimulus from the world that would lead a healthier person to go out there and seek their fortune and meet their soulmate and do all thought other things that normal people do in order to fill in more of those needs boxes than I have ever had.

I am long overdo for a thaw.

But I am so, so scared….