Daily Archives: June 5, 2017

These fucking security questions

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This is stressing me out.

I get an email saying my web host (the people who host this lovely blog) can’t process my latest payment. This is weird, because when I cashed my cheque a couple of weeks ago, I put $75 on the card and I have not spent any of it. So the only place the money could go was to pay for my web host ($12.95/month… ouch) and Netflix.

So I go to look up my balance, and get stopped because it won’t let me log in unless I remember the answers to security questions I set up a year ago.

One of which asks for the model of my cell phone, and I don’t even own one.

So I call the card’s 1-866 number, set up a callback, phone rings, it’s the credit card people and the nice dude I talked to on the line gets me to fail those questions three times so it locks me out. He then unlocks the account and resets the security questions so I can put in new answers.

Lovely. Except I remember how maddening this process was the first time because of the insane damned questions.

Here’s what I have to choose from.

What is the LAST name of your current manager at your primary place of employment?

I have no idea. Upwork does not give last names, just last initials. So as far as I know, my manager’s last name is N.

What is the BRAND of your primary desktop computer at home? (EG If you have a Dell Inspirion 660, enter “DELL”)

My computer doesn’t have a brand because it’s a custom build.

What is the BRAND of your primary desktop computer at home? (EG If you have a Dell Inspirion 660, enter “DELL”)

I work from home, so it’s the same computer from the previous question.

What is the HOUSE NUMBER of the home you lived in ten years ago? (EG If ten years ago you lived at “123 Main Street”, enter “123”)

Seriously?? Who the fuck knows that kind of thing? I’m lucky if I remember where I was yesterday, for crying out loud.

What is the BRAND of your primary laptop computer at home? (EG If you have a Dell E6420, enter “DELL”)

Oh, my PRIMARY laptop. Like most people have more than one. My laptop, intriguingly enough. has nothing on it to indicate a brand name or anything of that sort. And it runs Linux, so I don’t know how to figure it out through software.

What is the MODEL of your primary cell phone? (EG If you have an iPhone 4S, enter “IPHONE 4S”)

No cell phone. Which means I am a cave-dwelling troglodyte by modern standards. I will get around to getting a Fido phone eventually, I am sure.

What is the BRAND NAME of your primary grocery store? (EG If you primarily buy your groceries at “Johns Groceries”, enter “JOHNS GROCERIES”)

OMG, one I can answer. It’s Costco. That’s where we get our groceries. Us, and like half the other people in the GVRD.

What was the BUILDING NUMBER of your primary place of employment five years ago? (EG If five years ago you worked at “123 Main Street”, enter “123”)

Not applicable, as I was not employed five years ago.

What is the BRAND of your primary laptop computer at work? (EG If you have a Dell E6420, enter “DELL”)

Same laptop as above and I still don’t know.

See what I am up against? Some of those questions, I submit, are things most people won’t know off the top of their heads. They turn the questions into a bizarre pop quiz on the details of your past. Like you are being interrogated by some extremely picky and fussy police officers trying to find inconsistencies in your story.

It has, of course, occurred to me that my answers are going to be recorded without any verification, making them basically arbitrary strings of alphanumeric characters. I could put anything I want in there. Nobody would know the difference.

So I am seriously considering answering “kumquat” to every single question. Last name of current employer? Kumquat. Model of current laptop? Kumquat. House number of that little pl;ace where you bought a map in Paris thirty years ago? KUMQUAT.

I have to answer four of the questions in order to be allowed to have money in this digital age, or something like that. It makes me feel like I am being asked for my papers at a checkpoint in some fascist state.

Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but still. It’s harsh to go to do something very normal, like checking the balance on my reloadable Visa, and suddenly have it become this whole thing fully of unexpected complications and stress.

Still pondering the kumquat thing. The part of me that is the well behaved product of the Canadian middle class feels like it would be wrong to do said kumquat thing and that somehow, I would get caught and be in trouble.

But the supervillain side of me, the side that makes me fall in love with my own cleverness and the desire to prove to the world that I don’t have to follow its stupid rules, wants to do that and laugh afterwards.

So it remains to be seen which one will win out. Odds are that I will behave.

Yeah, I behaved. And my balance is 77 bucks, so the payment was not blocked due to lack of funds. But it says my account is suspended.

Which means I will have to call the hotline AGAIN and find out WTF that is all about.

Why must things be so darn stressful? Why did I want to get a life again?

Oh well, I am sure I will have it all cleared up soon. I just get stressed out about things very easily when it has to do with money. I have never had much, and I have to be super careful with what little I get, so I end up stressing about it a lot.

But that would not necessarily change with more income. I think there’s a good chance that I am just cautious and careful by nature and that even if I had a million bucks in the bank, I would fret about spending.

I can’t help it. I’m a Taurus, and we deal with the nuts and bolts of life through our caution and foresight. It’s your only choice when you are not exactly quick off the block.

Of course, I would fret a lot less about the little stuff with a million bucks in the bank. Or in low-risk low-yield investments in order to stay ahead of inflation and allow me a nice little annuity to live on.

OK, I have officially started to babble I better end this now.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

 

20 Fun Things To Do In An Exam You Know You’ll Fail Anyway

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20 Fun Things To Do In An Exam You Know You’ll Fail Anyway

1. Instead of the actual answers, answer each question in the form of a highly penetrating and acerbic analysis of the professor’s character flaws and psychological maladjustment, as illustrated by the inclusion of this question on the exam.
2. Write a letter to your mother in the blanks. Praise the professor’s wisdom, erudition,
personality, and refined good looks. Suggest a date. Remind your mother how much she likes men who give her child good grades.
3. Learn obscene origami. Nuff said.
4. In the middle of the exam, stand up and exclaim “Ha ha, foolish professor! You cannot fail whatyou cannot SEE!”. Then strip naked while cackling like a madman. For extra effect, begin picking up small objects and moving them around while making spooky “oooweeooo” sounds.

5. Read the exam as though it was a deeply personal letter from the professor. Laugh, sigh,blush, and giggle. When you’re done, draw a big heart on it, hand it back, and say to theprofessor “Right back atcha, you stud. ” Then leave. Bonus points if the professor is female.

6. Hum droningly. When asked to stop, sudden fall silent and look at your professor with hushedawe, then in small voice whisper “You mean…. you can hear it too?”. Then resume.

7. Refute the entire existence of the subject of the exam. This is especially fun with physics or human biology.
8. Number the pages of your answer book in a widely spaced progressive series (like 1, 7, 15,22). Make sure each page after the first starts with something that implies the previous, “missing”page contained something really interesting and salacious, like “..which could only be explained by the size of his phallus. ” Page endings should be similar.
9. Read out each question as though it was a poem. Use a highly ornate Shakespearian
declamatory style. Or, alternately, rap.
10. Act all smug and conspiratorial. Talk about how you know have to take this “exam” (wink) so you can pass the “course” (nudge nudge) because you really need the “marks”. Then pass your answer book in with $2 really obviously taped to it. Wink at the prof one more time, then stagewhisper “Worth every penny!”.
11. Complete nearly all of the exam, then stands up and exclaim “Wait, this isn’t History of the Male Orgasm!” (or some other fun course to imagine) and leave.
12. Treat the exam as though it was an opinion poll. Answer “some of the above” for at least half of the questions.
13. Show up in your underwear. Complain about how much you hate this dream. Pinch yourself repeatedly, then progress to slapping your own face. Then go to sleep.
14. Write a heart-wrenchingly poignant plea for mercy. Cite family tragedies, illnesses, and
nobility. Beg piteously to be allowed to re-take the exam. Then, write the “outline” for this letter on the back page of the exam booklet. Include such sections as “Lie about relatives” and “beg idiot to allow a re-take”. End with “If the moron falls for it…. ski vacation!”.
15. Bring your significant other. Discuss each answer with him or her, out loud. When the
professor complains, say “What? They’re my better half. You wouldn’t want half a student to take your test, would you?
16. Bring a pocket tape recorder. Narrate your life in minute detail into it. “The poor, starving student entered the cruel confines of the exam, trembling in anticipation of another cruel and unfair exam at the hands of a man who takes out his frustrations with his lack of academic credibility and his latent homosexuality on his innocent students.”
17. Make up a highly intricately diagrammed answer for each question. Include map symbols, flowchart arrows, Greek letters, and a lot of schwas and ergo symbols.
18. After having filled out half of the exam in English already, suddenly start speaking a made-up foreign language. (If you’re stumped, just talk like the Swedish Chef. ). Claim, in gibberish, that you don’t speak English, and demand a copy of the exam in your native tongue. The only two words of English you know are “No English!”
19. Pretend the exam is really, really turning you on. Moan things about “yeah… test my
knowledge! Make it hard! I’ve been a bad, bad student!”. (How far you take this is up to you, but don’t sue me if you get arrested.)
20. Answer each and every question with “It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.” or “I AM THE LIZARD KING”.