Going to attempt to cover different things that are on my mind tonight.
I will try to keep it within the usual 1K words, but I might go over.
Let us begin.
I. The fever has broken
I think I am now recovering from the fever dream that is or was my new hobby.
For those of you fresh to the subject, said hobby was downloading and installing adult-oriented modifications to a video game called Skyrim from many years back.
For a while, I pursued this like a madman. It was all I wanted to do. I neglected every other aspect of life, including basic things like eating.
I am not at liberty to explain exactly what I was pursuing so feverishly. Let me just say this : there are aspects of my sexual being that I could express there that it would be very bad idea to discuss here, on a website where the URL is my full name.
But I have done all that now. I now know that I can “have” those things whenever I like, and so the rush to acquire them while I could.
When you stumble upon a way to have what you thought you could never have, it can drive you crazy with the need to get it at all costs.
But once you get them… reality can return.
So I have removed most of the sex-related modifications from the game. Not permanently…. I can get them back whenever I please.
But I have found that I am a lot more interested in playing the actual game now than using it as a sexual wonderland. I am bored with the sexual aspect of it and hence I want to shelve it for now.
After all, I have three expansions for the original game that I haven’t even touched yet. I’ve been too busy with the sexual side of things.
And it’s a damned good game. Even without the sex.
I think I will actually play it for a while.
II. Our goddamned chemicals
Been struggling with the chemical reality of human existence today.
It goes something like this :
I am mentally ill because there’s a problem with the chemicals in my head. I don’t have enough of the right chemicals and I have too much of the wrong chemicals. And even when my braon does have the right chemicals, it does the wrong things with them. That means that I am broken and the rules for others don’r work for me because of this malfunction. My brain is just plain bad at chemicals.
I take drugs that attempt to fix these broken chemicals by tricking my stumbling fool of a brain into producing more of the good chemicals and holding on to the good chemicals it already has. So really, my antidepressants are chemicals I add to my blood chemicals so that when they combine with my brain chemicals my brain makes the right chemicals and in the right amounts.
And these chemicals help a lot. But the bad chemicals are only a symptom of a deeper chemical issue that has to do with my brain reacting to psychological trauma by producing lots of the chemicals that make me numb. It produces so much of these numbing chemicals that it makes me sick. Sick from the bad chemicals.
So I feel listless and tired and sad and like I am all alone in the world because that’s how I feel. I am so numb fromt he bad chemicals that I can’t feel the love that is in my life, so I conclude there is none.
And this is subjectively true.But only true in the sense that when you are blindfolded, the world disappears. You know that everything is still out there. But you can’t see it.
And I know people love me and care about me, even though I can’t feel it. And I won’t be able to feel it until the psychological injuries heal.
All because of a bunch of stupid fucking chemicals.
III. The State of the Chemicals Address.
Right now, my chemicals have me feeling lost and disconnected and hence very, very alone. I feel like I am floating motionless in the icy void of space with no propulsion system and only minimal life support and no way to contact anyone for help.
Well, no way besides this blog, anyhow.
I feel very tired. Sleepy. Even though I have already slept for most of today. Seem like I have not caught up yet.
Not until my medium-term memory is empty will I be able to relax.
I wish I could just dump the damn things content to a file and forget about it. Start over again. Clear the backlog via brute force and ignorance and start over with a clean slate and a dogged determination to keep on top of things this time.
Right now I feel like I am in that long dark canal I have written about before. There I sit in my narrow gondola only slightly smaller than the dark walls of this never ending chamber. I slide forward smoothly and silently, the lighting dim almost to the point of not being able to see. But no, that would cause panic. So it is merely soothingly dim.
It engenders a deep sense of hushed reverence, as if disturbing it would be blasphemy. Like the silence in one of those churches older than any Christianity we’d recognize as such, places where the worries of the world can be left behind as in deference which does not diminish, we pray, and hence come into contact with our higher selves.
It’s an introvert’s paradise, really. As low stimulation as it can be without setting off that certain biological panic that comes from insufficient environmental stimulation. Someplace I find myself when, perhaps, I need some time away from it all so I can flush my buffers, gently but firmly put reality on the shelf, and slip away into the darkness of the night’s swift sweet slumber,.
I need a nap.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
Oh, sorry about not bloggijng yesterday. Sleep happened.