Just woke up from bad sleep. Still sleepy, too.
So right now, life seems like a total drag, man.
Everything seems like so much work. Even my extremely low-effort life.
When I feel like this, it’s hard to remember why I do anything. Nothing seems like it is worth the effort it takes to do it.
Luckily. I am wise enough to know that this, too, shall pass and I will at the very least find life slightly worth living soon.
It’s just a matter of waiting out the storms.
Gonna basically finish Fallout 76 soon.
Because even a game as huge as it only has a finite amount of content and can only support my playing it for like eight hours a day for so long before I have done it all.
After that, I suppose I will have to go back to playing whatever, lesser games I played before I discovered the wonders of Fallout 76.
I am sure there were many of them that I played a lot. It follows that I must have enjoyed them, as hard as that is to imagine.
Seriously though, I always get this way when I find a game I really like. All other games basically cease to exist as I gorge myself on the Really Good Game every day like a pig let loose at the Sizzler.
Man, I wish we had the Sizzler here. It’s a fat man’s heaven.
I know I am getting close to being done with the game because I am finally doing the Brotherhood of Steel plotline.
For those who don’t know, the Brotherhood of Steel is a military style organization in the Fallout universe dedicated to finding and preserving pre-nuclear war tech and knowledge and helping to rebuild civilization in general.
They’re hardass pricks but in general I get along with them. I admire their focus and drive and for the most part they are a force for good when they are not being run by a bunch of racists.
But their plotline requires me to actually join their ranks and I am, to put it very very mildly, not the military type.
The very idea of joining a group like that and subjecting myself to all those rules and all that discipline and groupthink and having no freeom and so on makes my skin crawl and a cold sweat break out on the back of my neck.
I have an extremely high need for autonomy and the military life is the anathema of the sort of free thinking relaxed life I need in order to be sane.
Well, sane as I am, anyhow.
I am a dedicated non-joiner and it is not a matter of choice.
So I have dodged this plotline for a very long time, doing almost every other quest before this one.
Which is silly because it’s just another series of quests like all the others. It’s not like I am forced to play through boot camp or some shit.
But it still freaks me out to think about it.
I just can’t let my identity be subsumed by another, bigger one. For me, that feels like death. Like the larger identity is going to engulf and erase me.
I know this is most likely because I am a very poorly socialized misfit who never had to learn to preserve his own identity within a larger one because he was always alone.
But the damage is done and I am not likely to change.
So I just have to go on being the wild and wooly weirdo I am.
There are worse fates.
More after the break.
Today on “words you never thought you’d see together” : gummy bear butt plug
The old dilemma
Namely. I must eat, but I have no appetite.
Ordering in likely I usually do on Saturday nights is right out. Hard to decide what you want to order when the thought of food disgusts you.
Got up and took a leak. That seems to have helped. Moved me from negative appetite (food is disgusting) to neutral appetite (food is something that happens to other people).
The next logical step would be to defecate, but I am just not ready for that level of commitment just yet.
But if I keep drinking my Diet Coke, the issue will no doubt resolve itself when the caffeine in it makes me need to poop anyhow.
Stimulants are not the recommended method for resolving constipation by any means. In fact, it is a singularly terrible idea that could backfire (so to speak) so many ways.
But it’s what I’ve got.
And it beats the hell out of laxatives, which are an even worse idea if you have IBS.
But enough about my butt. For now.
Turns out the Brotherhood of Steel plotline in Fallout 76 is even tougher than I thought, and not because of combat difficulty.
It’s tough because I have to choose between a leader, the Paladin, who wants to take my chapter of the Brotherhood rogue so she can build a better future for humanity and her immediate subordinate, Knight Shin, who is loyal to the Elders and the Brotherhood as a whole and who is a total asshole right wing type.
Philosophically I am way closer to the Paladin. I would not trust Knight Shin to lead a two car parade. He thinks in the sort of emotional, brutal, fascist terms his type favours and has little patience for anything like compassion or moral restraint.
On the other hand, taking a chapter of the Brotherhood rogue is one hell of a big step and I am not entirely sure I can trust the Paladin to have her head on straight about this whole thing and not be prey to some kind of messiah complex.
At least they let me say “I’m not loyal to either of you” in the last confrontation.
But I know that the next time, I will be forced to choose, and I will back Team Paladin despite my grave reservations.
Still better than whatever reptile brain wankfest that Knight Shin has planned.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
P. S. I ended up skipping supper entirely. Not smart but WTF. My blood sugar is too high anyhow. Maybe this will fix it.