Just had one of my moment of existential flux.
I was putting my lunch together and went to get my usual half a 2L bottle of Diet Coke to have with my meal when I opened the fridge and beheld an anomaly.
One of the bottles was already half empty.
And this made no sense as I just did the weekly shopping last night and therefore there should have been two FULL bottles of Diet Coke in there.
As if I had already had lunch today. But I knew I hadn’t.
Or… had I…?
So I stood there stock still for a few tense moments as my mind whirled with confusion and I tried to figure out if I had lunch yet.
But then I remembered that, quite unusually for me, there was a half bottle of iet Coke left over from the previous week’s supply.
Phew! Reality restored. That was a hell of a trip, made possibly by the fact that my entirely forgetting a meal is sadly quite plausible in my sleep deprived world.
And, of course, by viewers like you.
Pre burn part 2 : Explanation
I realized after the fact that I never got around to actually explaining why I called Part II of yesterday’s blog entry “The Pre-Burn Phase”.
Got lost in my tangents, as usual.
So here it is : what I meant by that is that I feel like my mood is building up energy for another of my periods of burning rage, frustration, and angry apathy.
I need a name for that. Angrathy? Nah.
This periods are not exactly pleasant, although I am learning to weather them better, but they serve the vital function of letting me burn through another incinerator load of emotional garbage that is holding me back.
So ultimately the whole thing is therapeutic but it also hurts.
So expect some angry rants and big emotional expectorations in the near future as I go through one of my phases.
Pink Floyd said it best :
Space-time anomalies aside, today has been OK.
Was a little shocked but not that surprised when I checked my blood sugar this morning and it was 18.7 mmol/L.
After all, I had spaghetti and meatballs at Denny’s last night and that’s pretty much all carbs. Got to start ordering more healthy fare.
Anyhow, that’s at least 6.7 points too high, so I got the three fast beeps of warning instead of the happy little chirps of okayness from the reader.
So I injected 80 fairy farts of insulin and checked again an hour later. It had barely moved. So, another 80 units.
Couple hours later things were finally headed in the right direction.
Small problem : now I gotta eat. Which will send it back up again.
Blimey, this adjustment of blood sugar levels is more complicated than I thought!
I am sure things will work themselves out eventually. Maybe I will try a little bit of (very) light exercise in hopes of using up some of that nasty glucose.
More after the break.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I don’t know.
And I don’t know why I don’t know, either.
On the surface, it seems like the easiest question in the world. Just state your desires. Even a little kid can do that.
But of course, it’s not that simple. Despite having little problem writing 1K words a day about them, I am actually profoundly alienated from my own emotions.
To the point where I have to write about them just to find out what the hell they are.
And that ego (in the Freudian sense) of mine always gets in the way with such monkey brain madness as to what I should feel or what I want to feel or what I can logically deduce I must feel and other such inanities.
Logic can be such a bore.
So while I am capable of deep reflection upon my own soul and its foibles, it’s all very clinical and antiseptic and intellectual. Emotions frozen and sliced and place under a microscope for “examination”.
But it’s not really science. It’s simply a compulsive rendering of the scary, realtime, chaotic, and unpredictable world of emotions into something my supercooled superconducting supercomputer of a brain can handle without melting like snow.
This mind of mine comes at one hell of a price.
And of all the species of emotion that I cannot handle without rendering them inert, by far it is my desires which are the most inherently unpalatable to the Overmind.
Because desires by their very nature make you want to do things and that means leaving the icy confines of my frozen palace of the mind where I can pretend life is as rational and controllable as a game of chess and entering into the far less ordered and comprehensible world of ,mundane reality.
And mundane reality is so much messier than life in my frigid palace. It’s full of chaos and overstimulation and anxiety and suddenness and dangers and emotions and an overall total lack of ability to control things.
And if i am not in control, I am not safe, and if I am not safe, I can’t cope at all.
Shames me to admit it, but it’s true.
One of my worst fears is to be left completely exposed to the world without anywhere to hide and then be forced to deal with everything in realtime, without any chance to reflect and choose the “right” option.
To have to improvise, essentially, and go with my instincts.
Well, I assume I have instincts. So far, we’ve yet to meet.
Part of that is fear of my own later judgment. Of that time afterwards when I am kicking myself for my “stupid” decisions when it is “obvious” that I should have done X instead and I would have known that if I had only taken time to think.
So let’s en that shit right now : I made the best decision I could in the time I had.
I have very little experience with going with my gut. In fact, I have avoided having to o so to a deeply and tellingly pathological level.
So it should be no surprise that I am not great at it.
Guess I need more practice, then.
It’s the only way to learn.
By being a real(time) person for once.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.