The direction? Down.
Feeling pretty depressed at the moment. Little things going wrong. Knocking my bowl of trail mix and Smartfood popcorn on the floor. My computer spontaneously rebooting if a fly farts in the general direction of the power cord. A brief scare where I thought I had forgotten an appointment with Doctor Ebtia. The sensor for my blood glucose meter falling off my arm while I slept and there being no way to put it back on.
None of those things are all that major but together they leave me feeling anxious and afraid and overwhelmed and I just want to crawl into a hole and die for like, a day.
Sadly, death is always permanent. And I am just not ready for that kind of commitment.
I mean, what if I change my mind later?
The sudden reboots are what are really shredding my nerves. I move something on my desk and that pushes something else towards the power cord and boom, reboot.
It’s happened multiple times in a row too, which in addition to being a shock to my neurons is frustrating and maddening and makes me feel really clumsy and stupid.
And the thing with the sensor is just plain depressing. Over the last two weeks I have grown accustomed to being able to get a blood sugar reading whenever I wanted and I have found the ready availability of that information very soothing to my nerves.
So of course that had to end. Suddenly, unexpectedly, and arbitrarily. Went to sleep with it firmly in place, woke up and it was lying on the bed and nothing I did could get it to stick back on.
Not enough glue left, I guess. And even if I had gotten it to stick, its little needle probably would not have punctured my skin again so no readings anyhow.
Luckily I should be getting the new system tomorrow, and that will be that. But it’s amazing how insecure I feel now without that information.
My blood sugar could be up to all kinds of crazy shit and I wouldn’t even know!
Oh well. I am pretty sure that the previous time one of the things fell off in my sleep, it was in the same spot on my upper right arm, so I will avoid that spot in the future.
Must be something about the way the muscles flex under the skin on my dominant arm. Because when I put it in the same spot on the other arm, it stays.
So yeah. Feeling sort of beat up by life, which now seems booby trapped. No way of knowing when something is going to blow up in my face out of nowhere.
Were I a healthier and more robust specimen of humanity, these sort of things would not get me down because I would have a reservoir of positivity from all the human connection and happy memories I have.
But as is, I am as fragile and weak emotionally as I am physically and it does not take much to make me ill in either sense.
God my life sucks.
More after the break.
Words, words, words
Well, time to come up with another 500-ish words.
Not feeling it at all, to be honest. I just feel tired. Life is definitely taking more out of me than I am getting out of it lately and that means some time soon I am gonna run out of gas and have to collapse for a while.
I have been putting it off for a while now. I have felt like I was running at a loss for a few weeks now but so far, I have always dug deep to find more energy somewhere and kept going the way I wanted, not how my traitorous body dictated.
And I am going to keep doing it. I am royally sick of always wilting away from things at the slightest hint of trouble. Of being eager for escape from things before I even begin. Of eying the exits even when I am having a wonderful time.
I am not that weak. Not any more. I demand more out of life and I am going to goddamned well get it. I am strong and powerful and competent and completely qualified to face life head on and bend it to my goddamned will.
Yes, I am a very sick man, and that means I have to be careful not too much myself too far too fast. I accept that.
But that doesn’t mean I have to keep acting like I’m a limp noodle when I have a solid steel spine, nerves like high capacity transformers, and a mind so powerful it warps reality around me without me even trying/
Mental note : start trying. Could be a heck of a lot of fun.
And that’s what I want out of life : fun. I want to enjoy what time I have left as much as I can. My main objective is to entertain myself and the boring ol passive way of just playing video games all the damned time just won’t cut it anymore.
I need more. I need a more active kind of fun. The kind that involves other people and utilizes my powers of mischief and disruption to really mess with people who richly deserve the kind of mockery I can deliver.
The kind that can use my hypno-magnetic charisma to attract young, idealistic followers ready for the new consciousness I want to give to them so they can spread it in the world. And not in some bullshit transcendentalist way : truly seeing the world better.
The kind that involves using my gifts to write things that charm, inform, and delight people, and leave them better off as people as a result.
The kind that makes me the figure of controversy and notoriety that I have always known I was destined to be. Some will love me, more will hate me, but everyone will know my name and a new age with begin with me,.
I can do it all, and so much more.
And all I have to do to unlock the magic is toughen up inside a little.
I think I can manage that.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,.