I’m sorta of two minds on the subject.
On one hand, I desperately want to be noticed. I want to shine, shine, shine for people and have them bask in my glow. I want to show the world (especially those parts of the world with money) how brilliant and talented and funny and deep and wise and spectacularly humble I am and I want to reap all the praise, recognition, and cold hard cash such luminescence deserves.
I’m fucking amazing. Give me stuff.
I am a poet both lonely and obscure and that shit has got to change. I have a lot to say and a lot to tell this crazy old world that it definitely needs to hear.
Whether it likes it or not!
I honestly and truly believe that my words backed by my vision and my will could help make the world a better place. I am a thinker and communicator of rare depth and insight and I ache to add my voice to the global conversation and help move public thought forward like the visionary I am.
And, ya know. Get paid to do it. I don’t need to be rich but a solid middle class income would do wonders for my lifestyle and my self esteem.
Heck, I might even be able to afford to finally upgrade this computer.
It deserves it.
So basically, I want the whole world to see how shiny and amazing I am. Gaze upon me and wonder, ye mortal folk! I am your future.
On the other hand, I want the exact opposite.
I want to disappear forever. I want to be invisible. I want to get as far away from my fellow humans as possible.
Like…. Unabomber far away.
That’s the unhealthy part of my mind, obviously. The part I call The Troglodyte or Trog for short. All it wants is to squat in its deep dark hole at the bottom of a deep dark cave and think deep dark thoughts about how miserable it is.
It’s not a lot of fun, is what I am saying.
And I am trying to evolve past it. It’s a disease and it’s holding me back. Keeping me down. Keeping me from getting all that shiny success I crave.
But it’s still with me. Like a legacy system you can’t replace, I am still running a lot of really rotten old software and it is going to take me a lot of time to replace it all with something more competently designed.
I am really taking my paradoxical self-loathing to new depths today.
It’s still a lot easier to hate myself than love myself. It’s still the default state. In order to love myself I have to let my ego run rampant in text like in the above.
It’s highly therapeutic to do so. The only cure for shame is pride, and so I have to build up my pride to the point where it can fill in the hole left in my self-worth by all that pointless and baseless self-loathing.
I mean, what do I have to hate myself about? I’m an amazing dude. Sure, I have not made much of my life yet, but I’ve been very sick with a serious mental illness.
And I am getting stronger, even as my body grows weaker.
Some day I will break free of this cage and find my way to someplace where I might finally get noticed.
And I really (mostly) want that.
More after the break,
Medical Misadventure : This Is A Test
Did the labwork for Doctor Caswell today when I was out running errands.
I keep forgetting that going to the med lab is a radically different experience than it was before Covid. Now you either make an appointment (which I never remember to do) or end up waiting for like an hour.
Luckily, I had another errand, so instead of waiting in the hallway outside the lab, I just went and got my check cashed at my bank.
That cut like half an hour off my wait.
Blood draw went fine. I am cool as long as they only have to go in once. Yeah it hurts but whatever, it’s just pain.
It’s when they can’t find the vein and have to dig around that I get upset.
Carb addiction is real
Not that I ever doubted its reality.
The science is sound. High carb meals make our bodies secrete a hormone that acts a lot like a tranquilizer and/or depressant and it’s to that hormone you get addicted.
But as I have been cutting down on the remaining carbs in my diet, I have been experiencing the reality of the addiction and that makes them VERY real to me.
For example, there are the pangs of denial. T You would not BELIEVE how my emotions reacted to my ordering nothing but Caesar salad from Pizza Hut,
Great was the wailing and the gnashing of the… gut, I guess?
And along with that came the flashes of temptation. The thought of getting garlic bread to go with it kept popping into my head, along with the memory of the taste of it.
I even added it to my cart. But then took it out again. Fuck that shit.
I’m beginning to really hate carbs. And they are freaking everywhere. Practically all snack foods, both savoury and sweet, are just lumps of carbs.
I think that if carb addiction was considered as real as alcoholism or other substance abuse issues, we’d find that 90 percent of people are junkies.
So for me, it’s no extra carbs of any sort until my blood sugar is down to normal. Right now it is 17.2 mmol/L and that is not acceptable.
I want it below 10 like it was before. And I will keep blasting it with insulin till I get there.
Were it not for my bum ticker, I would also be exercising to help lower it.
Oh, that reminds me….
Tempt not the snarkshooter
I am proud of myself for leaving a pretty snarky voicemail when I called Doctor Bui’s office today to remind them I exist.
I mentioned how they were supposed to have gotten back to me ages ago so they had clearly forgotten I existed again and how I really hoped I heard back from them soon because I’d really rather not die.
There was more but those are the highlights.
And that was pretty snarky,…. but I can get much, much snarkier.
They have yet to taste even one tenth of my power. What I left them today was a warning shot. My way of giving them an idea of what they might be up against.
And if that doesn’t work, I will escalate.
Oh brother, will I escalate.
Because I’m trying to save my fucking life here.
That means my “by all means necessary” clause has been invoked more fully than ever before, and trust me, I mean ALL means.
So what happens next is really up to do.
I will not die without a fight.
I will not go gentle into that good night.
I will rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And I will take as many SOBs with me as I can if I go.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,