Hoo boyo, did it work.
Decided today. Saturday the 16th of October, would be the best day to take a Quetiapine and try to get caught up on sleep for once.
It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for quite a while now. I have been way behind on sleep for a very long time. I could feel my ability to concentrate and remember things slipping away to be replaced by the shiny white blank feeling I’ve talked about before.
That white void might seem harmless, even pleasant in a vacuous way, but it spells doom for my working memory and mood.
And I have the solution : Quetiapine. But as patient readers know, I kept putting off using it because I did not want to have to deal with the immediate fallout from taking one, namely sleeping all day with barely enough time awake to eat and blog before I have no choice but to let sleep’s cloak o’ertake me once again.
So I took a big Q this morning at around 10 am and went to bed. Jerked off a little, stretched a little, played my synth a little . Then fell asleep.
Smash cut, I wake up and it’s 3:45 PM and I am extremely confused and disoriented and I am really tempted to get up, take a leak, then go right back to bed.
But I know I have to eat and blog or I will end up feeling far worse, so I drag myself out of bed, get lunch together, and sit down to blog.
And here we are. I got around six hours of continuous sleep, and w00t to that. I’d been in that pattern where I couldn’t sleep for more than 1.5 hours for far too long and we all know that’s no good because the really good deep REM sleep doesn’t happen until you have been asleep for at least 2 hours.
And I am still quite sleepy. This has been but an interlude and despite the Diet Pepsi I have been drinking, the tide is pulling me down and I must sleep again.
Me versus sleep. Round 2
Slept a whole bunch more. Now it’s a bit after 7 pm and soon I will need to figure out what I want to order via DoorDash for supper.
Assuming my VISA still has enough $ on it. Just tried to check my balance and that’s apparently not a thing any more, so I suppose I will just keep spending till I get an “insufficient funds” error and give up.
Not an acceptable solution. But it’s all I got right now.
I am going to investigate something called Visa Debit. Debit cards that work just like VISA cards, or at least that’s what I hope that means.
If it does, then fine, I would just deposit my cheque into my bank account each month and spend it that way. It would amount to the same thing as my reloadable VISA as far as I the consumer am concerned,.
Whatever. I just want to continue to be able to buy stuff online. You would think that would be super easy in this virtualized time.
But no, of course not. The modern motto is :
Nothing is ever simple, nothing is ever easy, and nothing ever just fucking WORKS.
At least, that’s how it is in my life,
At least I am a lot more awake and coherent now. I am pretty sure I still have some major hardcore sleeping to do in the very near future, but at least I can string some thoughts together semi-coherently and making with the words is not nearly as hard as it was in Round 1.
Being mega sleepy like this hasn’t been fun, but it’s not been as bad as I thought it would be either.
Sure, I’ve been very sleepy and slept a ton and been kind of blearily incoherent while awake, and that doesn’t make life any easier.
But I haven’t been abjectly miserable while awake either, like other times I have done this. Dealing with reality might be more stressful and confusing than usual, but I am not utterly miserable either.
So yay for THAT.
Well that’s it for this segment. I’ll be back for the denouement when my food arrives.
On second thought
I ended up not bothering with ordering food tonight.
My reasoning might not have been strictly logical, but whatever. It’s not like anything important was on the line.
It’s just food.
Basically, my computer was being crazy slow and I had no idea how long it would be that way so whether I tried to solve it with a reboot (aka turning it off and on again) it was going to be a long time before I got to order, let alone eat, so I said fuck it and went and made supper while my computer was grinding slowly towards opening the browser.
Part of me is disappointed to be missing the “treat” of ordering in and I probably still could have done so if I had been more patient and less cranky but I was feeling hangry so to hell with it.
I think part of maturity is realizing that no matter how wise you get, sometimes you are going to do dumb shit for dumb reasons and that’s fine.
Human beings are not capable of being fully rational and “smart” all the time. We only have a certain amount of higher intelligence to use in any given day and once that is used up or committed elsewhere we are stuck with the same emotional and/or intuitive reasoning all higher mammals employ.
It’s certainly not random nor is it completely mindless. It’s merely not as precise or “intelligent” as our full reasoning faculties.
The important thing for the likes of me is to shield these less-than-rational decisions from the later harsh and inhuman judgment of the ego and superego.
Yes, that was a “stupid” decision. But you rationalist guys were not around to make the call for whatever reason, so we were forced to take out best guess.
It’s like a boss who refuses to give you input beforehand but loves criticizing your every move after the fact.
Well fuck you, Rick. We did the best we could.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.