Still haven’t made that fucking phone call.
Really wanted to have gotten it done by now, but fate (with a possible assist by subconscious self sabotage) stepped in and I am have a whopper of a sleepy day.
In that I have spent most of today asleep, barely managing to stay awake long enough to eat before returning to the dark waters from which I arose like Godzilla at the end of the movie and going the fuck back to sleep.
Not because I want to.
Because I have to. Sigh.
I might make it to the phone call anyhow. I assume the hotline is 24/7 and it’s only 3:45 pm so I have plenty of hours left in the day to do it.
And now that I am eating and imbibing precious, life-giving Diet Coke, I am feeling somewhat closer to sentience than I have all day.
So there’s hope for me yet.
But right now I still feel very mentally fried. And crispy on both sides. It’s hard to stay focused on the screen and I am as dizzy and disoriented as usual. My sinuses are full so I have a head full of a fun goo that sloshes around when I move my head, and I have a very slight tremor going on throughout my entire body.
And when I move, it kind of feels like I am underwater. Like I can almost feel the water flowing over my skin and resisting my motion.
And I can’t even swim.
So today’s been a matter of doggedly swimming against the tide.
Even just getting my pills together to take with lunch feels like I am trying to solve the puzzle box from the Hellraiser movies.
I still feel a strong resistance to making that stupid call to the Dexcom hotline.
And I keep asking myself, “Whyyyyyyyyy??”. What’s the big frigging deal? What do I think is going to happen? What turned this into such an object of dread? \
All I have to do is call up and explain what happened. Then listen to what they say. I am hoping it’s a known problem and they just send me a new box of sensors.
And hopefully, THOSE will work. If not, I will have to assume it’s the transmitter and get a new goddamned one of THOSE.
Damn I miss the previous system, the OneTouch Libre.
Not gonna make it to 500. I will be back soon.
I live again.
Hopefully I am through the worst of it. I feel marginally better than I did earlier.
A bit more alert, a bit more awake, a bit more alive.
A bit more horny, for some reason. Guess I am waking up all over.
Increasingly of the opinion that if I am going to get my life moving so I can finish growing up already, something in me has to die.
Something deep and vital and very, very broken.
And I am fine with that. Like I have said many times before, there is nothing in me that is more important than my happiness.
I will burn my very soul to cinders and ash if that is what it takes to be free.
I will drown myself in my own icy cold waters if that’s what it takes to be free.
I will bury myself alive and suffocate if that’s what it takes to be free.
I will even do scary things I don’t want to do that will hurt and that involve confronting my deepest fears if that is what it takes to be free.
Anything to finally escape these deadly doldrums and reach the open sea.
More after the break,.
Just chillin’ and being a genius
You know, it’s kind of amazing that I know as much music as I do.
Like, I have 30.1 gigs of mp3’s in 5,096 files and I am pretty I could recognize 90 percent of them within 3-5 seconds and sing along with some or most of the lyrics of probably 75-80 percent of them.
That’s a hell of a lot of music.
And that’s nowhere near the entirely of my musical knowledge. It’s just the ones I have acquired as MP3. I quite frequently come across songs I know and like and remember and I then grab them off YouTube and add them to the collection.
And I don’t see this ever ending. I have been collecting MP3’s for 25 years or so, so if there was an end point, I would have reached it years ago.
I can only conclude that somewhere in the vast rat’s library of my mind is pretty much every piece of music I have ever heard just waiting to be triggered via re-exposure.
And that’s not even counting the brand new music I will like.
And it’s not like I ever thought having such a vast internal musical database was normal. exactly. Heck, there’s people out there who can listen to the same song dozens of times in a row.
What a horrifying thought.
But it’s only now that I am realizing that it takes a real genius to have my kind of musical consciousness. What’s more than that is that it’s an entirely different kind of genius that the stuff I tend to identify with, like my deep insights and my strings of rapid fire deductions and my awe inspiring humility.
Oh, and verbal skills. I got them. They’re godlike.
So the evidence just keeps piling up that I am one amazing dude. I have a whole bouquet of extraordinary abilities, any one of which many people would donate favored appendages to acquire. \
So I got that going for me.
Now if only I wasn’t so scared of everything all the time. If only all that fear didn’t trap me in this meaningless life of filth and futility. If only all this power and ability was accompanied by the strength, courage, willpower, and vitality to use it/
There must be someone out there who would recognize my extraordinary abilities and be willing to give me the sort of support, shelter, and security I need if I am going to truly get out there and shine.
A lover? An agent? Both? I dunno.
But I can’t do this by myself.
And I o not know how to get help.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.