Having a super sleepy day. Damn it. \
Hence my once more not getting around to eating lunch till 4 pm.
Man am I getting sick of this shit. It’s always the same : 2 pm rolls around but instead of getting hungry for lunch I am getting sleepy for….um, sleep.
Please excuse my faulty parallelism.
In fact, I am still so sleepy that there’s a chance I won’t make it out tonight. I am waiting to see how I feel after some food and some Diet Coke.
I will try my level best to make it out. I love our Denny’s meals, and having to do my shopping online at the last minute always introduces delays, complications, and uncertainty to my week.
And I hate all of those things!
Oh well, at least I got the new credit card activated at last, so ordering in is at least possible should it become necessary.
But I hope it does not. Do your magic. Diet Coke!
I think seasonal adjustment is part of the problem. Part of what makes me sleepy in the afternoon. As the days get super short, some messed up instinct is setting my circadian “day” to end in midafternoon, so that’s when I want to sleep.
And that’s livable six days of the week, when I have nothing to do in the afternoon and in the evening.
But not on Sunday, dammit. Sundays are sacred!
But for like… um, non-ecclesiastical reasons.
I will do what I can. There’s the Diet Coke, and I will take another nap after I am done with this portion of my daily blogging. Hopefully that will get me sufficiently ahead of game to do shopping and Denny’s.
Ah yes, Denny’s, where I will also drink much Diet Coke. Got to keep that in mind.
I can do this, dammit!
Meanwhile, in the real world, I beat Inscrypion.
Hard to say what I thought of the ending, as the plot had gotten pretty damned complicated by then and I am not sure I know what the heck happened.
We beat the evil AI. That I know. More or less.
So I have been mostly playing Oblivion. I finished the Arcane University plotline and so I am now the University’s Arch-Mage.
As in Skyrim, my showing up at an institution means death for its current leader. Not that I will do anything to kill them – the plot will, so it can have me replace them.
Hard not to feel a little guilty about that.
The final fight against the King of Worms, Mannimarco, was pathetic. He was barely any harder to beat than the dozens of his lesser necromancer underlings that I dispatched in order to get to him.
So that was a disappointment. Now I am just sort of dicking around delaying having to resume the main plot for as long as I can.
I am foot-dragging bout it because I’ve come to the point where there has to be some big climactic battle, and while I love battle, I hate war.
Battle is simple : kill them.
War is super complicated and chaotic, with noise and screaming and people moving everywhere and no clear mission and the ever present threat of friendly fire, not to mention my total lack of a soldier’s battlefield awareness… ick.
Hopefully my actual part in it is simple and straightforward.
More after the break.
Careful, I just might be happy
Or at least, way less sad.
Careful, though. I don’t want to jinx it or anything.
In face, it’s kind of hilarious how scared I am of being openly happy out of a deeply superstitious fear that the universe will punish me for daring to show joy.
Shhh! If it sees us, it will remember it hates us and get real mad!
Put like that, it’s obviously ludicrous. I’m not hiding from some malign entity who is out to GET me so my only safety is in remaining unnoticed and concealed.
Tell that to my adrenal glands, though.
But yeah. I feel pretty good right now. It started when I was doing my weekly Sav-On shopping and really blossomed while we were at Denny’s.
Nothing blissful about it, just a feeling of a buoyant blossoming inside of something like a radiant sunflower inside that gently propped me open like an unfolding umbrella.
And it feels quite nice. I could really get used to this.
No, really. I could!
Because this is my new goal. I have a mood target now. To be all opened up inside like this instead of scrunched up in a ball like an anxious armadillo like before.
After all, I have no idea what I am doing. I can admit that now. It doesn’t matter how smart I am “supposed” to be or how clever I think I am.
I haven’t the slightest idea what I am doing, I am not in charge, I am in no sense qualified to do anything at any time anywhere, and the best I can hope for in life is to keep stumbling through half-open doors till I get good at it.
I might be a genius but I’m not that smart. If you catch my meaning.
I am even wise from time to time. But that is not true wisdom, it’s insight. The kind of insight that lets one be the Wise Old Owl for others.
But true wisdom leads to wise actions, and on that level I score pretty poorly. The best thing you can say is that I don’t do a lot of really stupid things either.
Sort of a negative space version of wisdom.
But whatever. I’d rather be a happy goofball than a miserable wise man any ay of the week that ends in Y.
Above all, I embrace the opportunity to learn to breathe life in and out in the eternal cycle of living instead of trying to hold it all in all the time.
So fuck my wisdom. Fuck my truth. Fuck my reality. Fuck my knowledge, and my wisdom, and my insight, and my sense of the gestalt.
I’m just another soul looking for the way out of this crazy place.
But until I find it, I will just concentrate on having a good time.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.