Feeling pretty run down today.

Worried I might be coming down with something.

There’s this heaviness in my limbs that I don’t much like. And I feel kind of woozy and wobbly, and my head is sore.

I feel like I’m lurching around like a drunken man – only without the fun part. My appetite is shot and there’s a gross feeling in the pit of my stomach, like there’s some thick cold slimy fluid in there.

Oh, and my joints hurt.

It all adds up to my having some kind of bug. A flu, or suchlike.

Kind of makes me wish I had remembered to get my flu shot last Wednesday.

Also makes me eager for that Covid-19 booster shot.

Well, no sense worrying about things I can’t control. Right now, the question is : should I go out to shopping and Denny’s tonight?

And I know the right answer : no. I both should not expose myself to the elements and should not expose others to me.

But that answer sucks, so I am going to try to think of a better one. Odds are pretty low but I have to give it a try.

What makes it even worse is that we were going to discuss what we all want for Xmas.

Yeah we’ve left it rather late. Xmas is only 6 days away. If any of our gifts have to be shipped, they ain’t gonna make it in time.

Whatever. I feel like the Scroogening of the Fru has begun, because I am finding it incredibly hard to muster up any Xmas spirit at all.

Even when I don’t have the flu.

I’ve officially reached the stage where Xmas just seems like a big hassle and I have even found myself wishing it was all over already.

This is a sentiment I would have previously described as “evil”.

I have always loved Xmas. It’s such a “me” holiday. People getting together with their loved ones, sharing good food and liquor, enjoying one another’s company, and with a big warm glowy vibe of love and family and generosity and openness and all those other good things that I love so much.

Presents are nice too, though I prefer giving to receiving. Not because
I am some impossible saint of selflessness. I just love getting to express how I feel about those I love with small gestures.

As a very sensitive soul who tends to be off on his own little planet most of the time, I get terribly worried that people think I don’t care about them or don’t think about them, so gestures become terribly, terribly important.

Got to send my love during those rare periods when I am in transmission range.

No idea what I want. Maybe I will talk it over with myself during Part II. That has always worked out for me before.

Of course, by then it will be too late. I really should have figured this out before I went to Denny’s. I will be asked what I want there.

But I’m not going to Denny’s, am I?

At the very least I shouldn’t.

But I might just do it anyway.

Julian and Felicity, if you are only now reading this and finding out that I probably exposed you to the flu Sunday night, um… sorry.

But I love you guys (and Joe, of course) so much that I couldn’t stand to stay home. Especially tonight of all nights.

More after the break.

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It’s not that complicated, Otis.

This line from the bridge of this song really jumps out at me when I listen to it today :

“I can’t do
What ten people tell me to do
So I guess I’ll remain the same!”

Otis redding, “sitting on the dock of the bay”

Because that’s horseshit, Otis.

True, you can’t do what ten people tell you to do. But that doesn’t mean you haeto remain the same.

It means you have to choose.

Figure out which of those ten people are right and do what they said. Or say to hell with all of them and do what seems right to you alone.

Or just do what you feel like doing. Whatever.

But you can’t blame those “ten people” ^[1] for your inaction.

It’s your unwillingness to decide for yourself that’s to blame.

I know this because I’ve used the exact same con on myself. I mean sure, I called it “option paralysis” and didn’t have specific people to blame, but the game’s the same.

Now I know making decisions is hard. Lord do I know that. It’s especially hard when you are delicate and timid by nature like me (no, really) and so it’s both hard to find the grit to decide things and hard not to give in to the fear of having things blow up in your face that leads to hesitation and, ultimately, immobility.

Because if you never choose, you can never make the wrong choice, right? Sure, people can say “doing nothing can also be the wrong choice”. but it sure doesn’t feel that way because nothing actually happens.

So it feels safe to do nothing. Even if, as in my case, it very much isn’t.

Doing nothing about my health problems is,.in fact, super dangerous to the point where it is killing me as we speak.

But nothing actually happens, subjectively speaking. There’s no pain. I don’t suddenly faint or have a spasm. My vision doesn’t dim. Nothing dramatic and obvious like that ever comes of it.

I just fall apart inside a little tiny bit at a time, all the time.

It’s like erosion. There’s no thundering tide or coastal megastorm that comes in to take away half of your coastline.

Just the steady action of the waves taking away a few grains of sand at a time. Always.

And you don’t even notice until your cottage falls into the sea.

And then suddenly it’s an emergency. And you freak out and you deal with it and lots of people help you and together, you manage to patch everything back together.

And then everyone leaves, with you heartily promising that you have learned your lesson and nothing like this will ever happen again.

But then they’re all gone and there’s nobody watching any more and it’s all back to you.

And you go right back to ignoring the problem.

Until tnext time.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.