Posted this to a YouTube thread about horrifying things that happened at school :
After finally snapping at my art class bully and throwing a desk at him, I was sitting in the teacher’s office getting a lecture when a dire thought hit me and I asked him if my bully was going to get a lecture too and he said, “Um…well I guess…. I mean, eventually… ” and I realized that he wasn’t going to lecture the bully because he was afraid of the bully and that’s why he was blaming the victim, namely me. And that’s how justice got inverted. How it had always worked for me. Shit flows downhill and there I was at the bottom. That’s why the teachers always sided with the bullies. Cowardice. That, and they secretly agreed with the bullies that weird and troublesome kids like me should be punished. For all I know, someone of them were former bullies themselves. And that’s when I was seized by the blackest rage, told him he was a coward and worthless and blaming the victim, and stormed out before I killed somebody,
me laying a truth bomb on youtube
The memory just spontaneously surfaced in response to the prompt and I knew I had to write it down.
So I put it in the thread, then I talked with my shrink about it, and now I am talking with you good and wholesome folk about it.
A lot in me died that day. For instance, the last vestiges of my faith in “the system”.
It was bad enough when it completely failed to protect me from my tormentors when I was in elementary school, forcing me to take justice into my own hands in junior high.
But if they were going to turn on me, the victim, because they lacked the courage to go after the admittedly scarier victimizer, fuck them,
So I withdrew even further into myself. In fact, that was probably the inciting incident for all of my high school depression.
And it got…. pretty bad. Closest I’ve come to suicide.
Could have been a lot worse, though. If that teacher had said or done one thing to challenge me instead of letting me stalk out the door, I would have hurt him bad.
Instead, I walked home from school thinking black thoughts.
Looking at it now, it’s a wonder I didn’t become some kind of libertarian neckbeard determined to protect my precious specialness from all the mindless feeders, or something equally monstrous and ridiculous.
Maybe that’s what would have happened if I had not already been so good at the hiding within yourself game.
Or if there had been some sort of oppositional force keeping me engaged. Some kind of opponent or protagonist to give me something to fight.
Because like I told Doc Costin, I have absolutely no problem sticking up for myself against any enemy.
In fact, I thrive on pushback.
But when there’s nothing to fight – when nobody will fight me – then I go back into my shell and fall deeper and deeper into myself till I forget what happy even smells like, and lo and behold, I am a Trog.
And there I will lay for the rest of my days.
Unless I do something to get myself out of his hole.
Aaaaaaaany day now.
More after the break.
Let’s talk innocence
Another one from the “Oh god, not this again” file.
The thing is, innocence was never meant to be permanent.
As far as I can figure, innocence is a word we give to a sort of protective layer of consciousness that both nourishes and protects young minds as they grow.
It filters out or stores the ideas, emotions. concepts, and experiences the growing mind can’t handle like a cognitive immune system, and guides the child’s mental growth along a healthy developmental path, all under the radar so that the child remains unaware.
We miss our innocence when it goes because, having contiguity of consciousness. we can remember things seeming much simpler and easier. When comparing our current more complex and stressful mindsets to the mind we had before, we cannot help but conclude that life was better back then.
But this is an illusion. If you truly look back at your true memories of the time, you will recall that you weren’t any happier then because you had no real idea of what was coming and were too busy being nostalgic for an even earlier time anyhow.
But we don’t need to plunge into the murky world of memory and nostalgia to see this.
Tell me…. are you happy all the time now because you are free of the problems you will have in the future?
Of course not. How can you be glad to not have to deal with things you don’t even know exist yet? How can you enjoy still having what you never lost? How can you celebrate all the good things you have now?
After all, you didn’t celebrate them back then. And you’re not celebrating the ones you have now, either.
And trust me, some day you will be nostalgic for these precious moments you are having right now, and wishing you had appreciated them more at the time.
So get started already! Celebrate these moments right now, no matter how rotten they may seem, because one day, you will wish you had, but it will be too late.
These are the golden years. Because what makes years golden isn’t the time or the place or the era.
It’s the attitude. Things seemed better when you were young not just because of the shows on TV or the songs on the radio, but because you had a youthful, hopeful, open attitude towards life. You welcomed life with open arms and when life knocked you down, you cried, wiped your tears, then got right back up again.
And while your youth can never come back, the youthful attitude can. Stop looking backwards and face the future. Be the person you will wish you’d been. Be old but think young. And remember that no matter what you think of the future, it’s still the place you are gonna live, so you might as well get used to it.
In conclusion… um…. something about innocence?
Man, I never end up where I am trying to go!
Oh well, I always end up somewhere worth going, anyhow.
Damn could I make a mint as a motivational speaker.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
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