I got a bunch of highly viable topics in my notes, but meh.

All of them require more perspicacity than I can summon right now.

And yet, words like “perspicacity” come to me without effort.

Anyhow, I am feel very fried by bad sleep, so I guess all I can manage is two indie coffee shops and a Stuckey’s.

Er, I mean…. all I can manage to do is ramble.

Oh well, at least I can still be funny when I am semi-comatose.

You should hear my hilarious take-down of the faces nurses make when they are changing your IV.

White nurses be like….

---

Got to Wound Care^[1] this morning, which was a relief.

I’d been in the same bandages for a week and they were getting gross. The adhesive was melting off in clumps, looking like so much loose mucilage (sorry), and the body of the bandage was feeling clammy.

Now I feel all clean and refreshed, like a freshly changed infant.

Only not as sexy.

---

After Julian and I did Wound Care, we dropped by 7-11 so I could get fuel for my Diet Coke addiction, and while I was there, I saw this weird looking thing in the hot rack.

It was like this odd tube shaped formation of what looked like fried chicken on a skewer. I asked what it was and was told it was a “chicken skewer”.

Well, ask a silly question….

They were only 2 for $5, so I figured, what the hell.

Would not recommend.

The flavour is fine and the meat is juicy and all. But in order to form the chicken into something that wrapped around a skewer, they did something to it that gave it a very unpleasant rubbery feel, like it was chicken fried neoprene.

So ick, no thanks, 7-11.

Next time I will stick with your sausage rolls.

---

Consulted with my buddy Maelkoth about a potential graphic card for this ol’ compubox.

Was glad to here that they all will work for this computer. Apparently everything still runs on the old PCI interface.

I was worried everything would have changed in the five years since I got this thing and I would need a whole new motherboard before I could even think of a GPU upgrade.

And I have his recommendations :

“If you can find a Nvidia 3080 of whatever stripe, that. 3070 next best. 3060 a distant third. if you can’t find any of those, 2080, 2070, and 2060 in that order.”

All a bit too expensive right now. Hell, the 3080 costs more than this entire PC.

God this chip shortage sucks.

But then again, the world is gripped by plague as it self-destructs in a cataclysm that is totally our fault for not being able to stand up to pouty billionaires.

Oh, and that will surely kill us all as Biblical weather tears civilization apart.

Kind of puts things in perspective, dunnit?

Enjoy the last days of the Golden Era, folks!

THESE ARE THE BEFORE TIMES.

More after the break.

---

For a plump female comedian :

“After all, I’m eating for two. ”
“Oh, you’re pregnant?”
“Nope. Just HUNGRY. ”

---

Smile when you say that

Realized I had gotten pretty self-negative again lately.

It really creeps up on me.

I guess that’s how it is with deeply ingrained bad habits. It’s easy to suppress them while you are focusing on the subject. You might even fool yourself with one of those, “well from now on, I will never do it again!” type statements.

Like I do. Except I am old and jaded enough that I am not really fooled. I make these bold statements in this space not really expecting them to act like magic spells that keep the darkness at by forever.

That’s not how this shit works. The psychological forces that make me be so negative to myself are stronger than mere logic or words.

But the positive and affirmative statements do have an effect. They are a step in the right direction, so to speak. A push upstream.

And it’s important that I do that whenever I find I have the energy to do so.

Slowly, I am learning to switch from seeing my life as something I can program and dominate and control via intellect and cunning and will (nope) and more as a set of changing variables I do not and cannot control except via my reactions.

The sailor doesn’t control the sea yet they always get where they want to go.

This is not an easy transition for me, though. I have been unable to control my need for the illusion of control for a very long time and to accept that I can do no “better” than to wait for favorable conditions is a hard pill to swallow.

Makes me wish it was a suppository. Way more fun.

Perhaps there is a lesson in growing up hidden here. Perhaps part of growing up is realizing that the world is not and can never be an extension of you : your will, your power, your agenda, your being.

That no matter how smart, clever, powerful, tricky, or whatever you are, you are still subject to vast forces beyond your control and the best that you can hope for is to get good at handling whatever life throws at you.

Like a lot of profound truths, it is also gobsmackingly obvious, especially when stated out loud like that.

As hard as accepting my own limitations will be, it is the only way to escape the overwhelming burden of responsibility I have placed on myself.

Somewhere between utter helplessness and feeling like I am responsible for everything lies something approaching sanity and god damn do I want to get there.

My soul needs walls. Structure. Form. This wide open existence might be very “free” but it’s also cold as hell and leaves me crippled and useless to myself.

So whatever the hell the point of it is supposed to be, it missed it by nautical miles.

If I want to overcome this, I will have to learn to tolerate some permanence, or at least long term stability, in my spirit.

Right now, a ferocious demon tears apart anything solid within me in a ruthless attempt to maximize my options at all times for both safety and creativity.

Somehow, I need to calm that motherfucker down. Right now it’s like an out of control autoimmune disorder, attacking healthy and foreign tissue alike.

Someone has to teach that damned thing to tell friend from foe.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.