Well, here it is 5:30 pm and I am just now getting around to eating lunch.
That’s right, lunch. The meal usually eaten somewhere around noon or 1 pm.
I thought it was bad enough when I was forced to move lunch from 2 pm to 3:30 pm (!), but this is downright insane.
I am feeling like the tiny bit of control over my life I have is slipping away and I don’t know what to do about it.
Why am I eating so late? The usual reason : I got very sleepy right when I should have been eating lunch.
And I tried to resist. I tried to stay awake, But when I am that sleepy, eating and blogging in that state seems utterly impossible.
And I dunno what to do about it. I feel so helpless.
I mean, am I really going to eat another whole meal at 8 pm? I can’t see how.
Normally, I order in on Tuesday nights. But that seems ludicrous under these circumstances. A big meal only 2 hours after the previous one?
And yet, it would have been a very bad idea to skip this meal. Lunch is the meal where I take the majority of my pills. And going 11 hours without eating is a bad idea.
Oh well, I am sure I will figure it out. I just had to vent about it to keep myself from getting too freaked out by the whole thing.
Who knows, maybe this is just a side effect of some grand psychological and/or spiritual transformation that will remake me anew.
Or maybe I just need to have a little more self-discipline. I dunno.
Oh, and in other news, that fight in the Oblivion mod I went on and on about yesterday?>
Further correspondence with the mod’s creator has revealed that said fight is literally impossible for me to win because I need to go get a thing first, otherwise the bad guy is completely invincible to all attacks.
Ha ha ha. How very amusing.
Whose fault this cockup is remains to be seen. I vaguely recall being told I better go get the thing, but then when I went to look for that quest in my quest journal, it wasn’t there.
So either the game fucked up and “lost” a quest or the instructions to go get the thing were part of the ones for my current quest and I missed it.
Even then, it’s not entirely my fault. Because if those instructions are there, they are well hidden. Which sucks and is stupid.
Whatever. I am just glad I know how to finally fucking finish the goddamned thing so I can move on to something more fun.
The futility of my grueling and (as it turns out) pointless fight against this guy doesn’t really bother me. Chalk it up to experience. I got a lot of practice in sticking to something despite it being really hard.
And I need that. Not only is it good practice for taking on tougher challenges in my life, it exercises a part of my brain that rarely gets used and therefore really needs it.
Mental note : seek more futile endeavours.
More after the break.
A quick update
Well I got the Magic Nyeah-Nyeah of Power in my game of Oblivion, so now I can re-do the assault on Asshole Occupied Imperial City, fight Sir Gareth again with the actual possibility of my winning this time, and hopefully be done with the fucking thing.
And then I am going to uninstall it with a vengeance. Not because it’s horribly wrong or brutally dysfunctional or anything.
But it’s not nearly good enough to justify all the aggravation it’s put me through.
Hopefully my next mod, Kvatch Rebuilt, where I will get to rebuild the poor city of Kvatch which got destroyed by demons early in the game, will work better.
Or be better. Or both.
Hopefully by tomorrow, I will be rid of the fucking thing.
The life of a compulsive completionist is fraught with peril. You never know when you will end up compelled to finish something you are not enjoying at all just becuse until you finish it, it will not let you go.
It will just hang there in your mind as an unfinished task, taking up valuable space in your working memory and making it hard to think about anything else until you finally give in and finish the god damn thing.
I suppose all compulsions have a way of complicating your life.
Ironically, they are some of the most reliable motivations I have.
Lately, this (non-erotic) fantasy keeps popping into my head.
It involves me being in some kind of job interview or other gatekeeper appeasing type situation when the interviewers exchange a look then start to grill me with increasing intensity till it becomes almost like a police interrogation but for job related skills.
But by sheer luck (and because this is MY fantasy), everything they are asking is well within my wacky little wheelhouse and I answer all the questions and challenges easily and with my usual cheerful flair.
Eventually other people from the office join in, till there’s quite a mob.
Finally, they give up. They tell me that the point of that part of the interview was to find my breaking point and they have never had someone just plain not break before.
And I say, quite sincerely, “Oh really? Because I found it all rather fun. “
Then they throw up their hands and say “I guess that means you’ve got the job.”
And end scene.
I think the reason my brain likes this little fantasy, besides mere ego gratification, is that it posits a scenario in which my academic prowess is actually a job skill.
Or put another way, in which the sorts of things I’m good at are things someone will actually pay me real spendable money to do.
What a happy world that would be for yours truly.
Still looking for my childhood dream of being paid to be smart all day.
It’s got to be possible, right?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.