Here comes the aggravations.
So, no wound care for me today. Not in this weather.
We have melting slow everywhere making everything extra slippery. Not good. I would rather be out in a blizzards.
Blizzards are a lot more predictable. Wet ice is treachorous.
Technically, I could have taken a cab. But I am under strict medical orders not to go outside till Sunday.
In that my therapist, Doctor Costin, told me not to go out till at least Sunday due to how nasty the weather is going to be.
Hey, he’s a psychiatrist, which means he has an MD, and ergo whatever he tells me to do is a medical order.
If I want it to be.
And this time, I do.
Because I don’t want to go out in this shit. This is one of the worst kinds of weather that I have experienced personally. It combines the worst aspects of both water AND ice.
Oh, speaking of which, know what else we have? Freezing rain.
Man, FUCK freezing rain. It’s pure evil in weather form. It coats everything in ice, sometimes invisibly. It looks pretty but it’s pretty fucking deadly to both cars and people.
It’s like it’s made to create slip and fall accidents. Makes me want to run around wrapping old people in bubble wrap while occasionally shaking my fist at the sky.
Compounding the annoyingness of being stuck inside is the fact that I only have $15 left on my prepaid Mastercard, and that limits my options on ordering in by a lot.
Like, I am out of my precious Diet Coke, and technically I could order more from 7-11, but last time I did that, the 2Ls of Diet Coke ended up costing me $15 once tax and tip and so on were added.
That is $7.50 a freaking bottle! Um, no thanks.
So I guess I am going to do without for now.
That’s probably for the best. I have been having trouble sleeping for the last couple of days. Perhaps going caffeine free for a couple of days will help with that.
Part of the reason I can’t sleep is something kinda scary though. Lately, when I lay down, my feet get really cold.
Especially the left one. It goes cold all the way up to the knee.
That makes it kind of hard to sleep. To fix it, I have to get up and walk around a bit, then sit and rub my feet vigorously.
Obviously, I got some serious circulatory issues to deal with. I’m going to have to talk with Doctor Chao about it when I consult him about my back et al.
If it gets worse, I will go to the ER, because this is starting to scare me. No part of me should ever feel that cold. It feels like part of me is in a deep freeze with a cold airstream blowing over it constantly.
I would be better off if I could raise the head of my bed a little so that when I lay down, my feet were lower than my head.
Then when my blood was heading toward my feet, it would be going downhill.
Right now, I can only get that by using a thick stack of pillows. And that doesn’t work very reliably for some reason.
But wait… what if I just slept the other way around?
BRB, gotta try something.
More after the break,
An unusual conclusion
A thought keeps popping into my head :
Maybe I’m stupid.
Hear me out :
I am in no sense denying my high academic IQ. That would be some serious off-brand insanity on my part. I have amazing intellectual abilities that in a just and fair world would be earning me upper middle class dough right about now.
So yeah, by that rubric, I am smarter than your average fuck. School was super easy for me, even college, never had to study, turned in first drafts and got A’s anyways, etc.
But stupid is as stupid does and I does a lot of stupid.
So maybe it could be said that I am smart but not wise. I can sound wise. I can say wise things. I can give people very wise advice.
But in terms of the choices I make, I am a D student at best.
And they don’t even feel like choices. Because they are so rarely reasoned out. Despite my extraordinary powers of logical analysis, actual life decisions are almost entirely emotional reactions based on whatever gets me out of the tension inducing decision stage the fastest.
As ways to decide important things, that’s somewhere between “wheel of fortune” and “which Bingo number a fly poops on”.
That’s because I can only make my ever so excellent coolly logical and deeply wise decisions when I am not emotionally involved. The minute actual stakes for me personally enter the equation. my neurosis slams the accelerator to the floor and drives me into the nearest wall at top speed and I fall to freaking pieces.
After all, I’m going to fail anyway, so might as well get it over quick, right?
That is honestly how the unhealthy part of my brain sees it.
And giving up is such a huge release of tension! It feels so good! So why wait?
Fella can get heavily addicted to that kind of pleasure. So much so that they don’t even know they are choosing failure over and over again by giving up so fast.
See? Wise as fuck, yet, I’m still the same dumbass.
I want to make better choices. But I am still too damaged inside. I am still crippled by that huge psychological wound I am carrying around, and any kind of pressure or strain makes it scream with pain till I have no choice but to quit.
And then get my soothing fix of blessed relief.
No wonder I have so much trouble healing. Resistance is punished. Compliance is rewarded. Do not disobey.
It’s like I’m in a Skinner box of my own devising.
And it’s all so wrong. I don’t deserve any of this. There has to be some way to get out of this hell I am in.
For now, all I can do is keep writin’.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.