Oh right. I was going to talk about WHY I had to kill The Committee.
Basically, my id needed to rise up against the tyranny of the corrupt and malignant judge that was my overweaning superego and its cackling demented lackey the brutal prosecutor that is my ego in order to bring these three forces into balance.
There. That should make things perfectly clear to everyone.
And dang, now I’ve started a whole new metaphor.
I think I’m ready to admit I have a problem.
Put more clearly (but less elegantly),The Committee is the part of my mind that suppresses and brutally punishes 99.9 percent of my impulses.
Every impulse has to pass through The Committee before it can lead to action and it rejects almost everything. It rejects anything new and unfamiliar especially hard and so I end up doing the same things over and over and I lead this tiny, drab, half-dead life.
Ergo, those fuckers had to go.
Because I don’t want to be that way any more. That shit is over and done with. I have caught a glimpse of a better me and I want to be that guy so bad I can taste it.
Kinda salty, as it turns out.
I want to be the happy, energetic, enthusiastic version of me that loves life and has lots of fun and does cool new things all the time.
This cowardly shell of mine is not the real me. It’s just the version of me the illness has created by suppressing so much of my true self.
It is a rotten and false identity, and I owe it absolutely nothing but the back of my hand.
My imagery has gotten more violent and oddly more old-fashioned lately.
Maybe I am just so unused to expressing anger and aggression that my brain has to take some very odd paths in order to get it out there.
So ixnay on the backtalk, flatfoot, before I send youse to the Grey Bar Hotel.
Thing is, I don’t need no goddamned Committee. They were a product of pure neurosis, created out of layers of impacted anxiety and the false and dangerous belief that by scrutinizing everything from a million different angles and rejecting anything that didn’t seem completely risk free, I could keep myself “safe”.
And let me tell you, if there is one thing I have learned in the last year, it’s that being obsessed with “safety” is a very unsafe thing.
It puts you at severe risk of making yourself miserable by cutting off nearly all sources of joy, human warmth, and simple animal happiness.
It’s like starving to death to prevent poisoning. The solution is much worse than the problem. Sooner or later, you have to learn to accept risk.
And to see past all the ghosts in your head that scream in your ear and make you scared of everything, no matter how absurd those fears might be.
Laugh them away. They are shrill, but insubstantial.
There has to be a path out of this forest of anxiety.
And if there isn’t, I will burn one into existence.
More after the break.
Did not think that through
Did a bit of a derp.
Downloaded an Oblivion mod called Reclaiming Sancre Tor (RST)because I finished my previous quest mod, The Heart of the Dead, and needed something new.
And RST sounded pretty impressive.
Reclaiming Sancre Tor is a questbased expansion pack for the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. It adds approximately 40+ gameplay hours to the game, fleshing the Blades out into a complete joinable faction. Much more than just a quest mod, see for yourself!
Sounded pretty groovy to me.
So far no derp. But further reading revealed that this quest would not start until I had completed the entire main plot of the game.
Which, as you might imagine, is quite extensive.
The derp came when I said, “No problem!” and downloaded and installed it anyhow.
And then realized that I really did not want to go through the main plot all over again in my current incarnation (mage) because I had done the whole thing in my previous incarnation (archer) and I was quite bored of it.
Just the though of going through all that earnest bullshit all over again makes me urk.
I am such a fussy little flower.
So now I have a number of options.
- Force myself to plow through the main questline in order to get to an admittedly very large mod I may or may not like. Erf.
- Uninstall the damned thing and forget all about it except for a mental note to reinstall it if I ever do the main plot again. Possible, even probable.
- Start a new character and do the main plot with them. That way, doing the main plot is a lot less boring because I would be doing it with a new character that is quite difference from the previous two. Probably a finesse based fighter – I already did Mister Brute Force And Large Weapons like three incarnations ago.
- Make drop biscuits, brush them with melted butter, and sell them on the street as “Buttery Nipples”. But that probably wouldn’t help much.
Right now, it’s up in the air. I probably won’t do #1 because tedium. And I would be starting the main quest from almost the very beginning, and that would be a drag.
Starting a new character is not out of the question. Got my mage up to level 16, so he’s starting to get long in the tooth. Reincarnation is a real possibility.
But I am having a lot of fun as a wizard with a ton of wacky spells. I love chucking fireballs and summoning critters to fight for me.
Truth is, I’m just not tired of being a mage yet.
So odds are, I will just uninstall the thing for now, and go get something else.
Which is a shame. It sounded quite impressive.
But that starting condition…. oy!
Watch out for that first step. It’s a lulu!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.