Well, we’ve officially entered the part of my sleepy phase where it starts pissing me off.
Can’t be helped. Like I’ve said many times before, I wish I could be all harmonious and philosophical and Zen about the whole thing so I could relax and enjoy this period of extra calmness and renewal.
But I am too damned cranky and ornery for that. I fight it. I resist it. I resent it.
Because I want to do things, god damn it. Not just sleep my life away. I want to be awake and having fun with my games and such.
Sleeping all the time makes me feel like my life is being stolen away. Like precious time is slipping through my fingers.
And yeah, it’s true that the odds were heavily in favour of my not doing anything particularly worthwhile or productive with that time.
So nothing truly of value is lost.
But it’s still my time, for fuck’s sake. I want to use it. I don’t want an overzealous Mister Sandman drowning me in a sea of his sand. I want to bite and kick and scream!
But I guess I have no choice but to ride this shit out. It will set me free when it sees fit and all I do by getting pissed off about it is cause myself undue stress.
Oh well. At least the anger proves I ain’t dead yet. Some part of me resists the coming of the tide and is determined to keep me awake and alive and feisty.
Now the trick is staying awake long enough to finish my meal and this half of the blogging before I have to zonk out again.
Diet Coke, do your thing!
So as far as I can tell, this “metaverse” thing is mostly bullshit.
Everything they say about why it will be so awesome is stuff we have been able to do since the 90’s only without needing to strap a brick to my face called a VR helmet in order to do it.
“Isn’t it exciting? You’ll be able to hang out with your friends in VR! Shop in VR! Play sports and games in VR! Be advertised to in VR! Pay bills in VR! Get sexually harassed in VR! Be cyberbullied in VR! Why, it will be just like real life, only way clumsier and stupider and less convincing and rewarding!”
I mean seriously, what the fudge is the point? As my roomie Joe pointed out, we’ve been able to do all that shit in “VR” since the days of Second Life.
The only difference is that we have true VR now so you will be immersed in this shared worldspace like never before.
And that’s far from nothing. It’s pretty amazing, to be honest. I can’t wait to try it.
But if all it has to offer at the end of the day is a way to do ordinary things but in a much clumsier way than the highly efficient ways we have already developed, the whole thing is going to crater once the novelty wears off and it will get tossed into the shitbin of technology with things like pagers and MySpace.
Maybe then the industry will contract to mostly being just about video games and gamers, as is proper.
More after the break.
Won’t stand up
Because I am too damned dizzy.
No, not him. And him puffing his cheeks like that still freaks me out.
Why? Because I am worried they are about to pop, that’s why. I mean….that’s what Arnie looked like right before the air turned on in Total Recall.
Anyhow. Got up too fast when I got up to get my Taco Del Mar order (mmm, shredded taco beef!) and got very dizzy.
Now that’s perfectly normal. Can happen to anyone. We did not evolve to compensate for the circulation issues caused by sitting on flat surfaces.
You sit, veins in your legs get squished and blood flow is restricted. blood pools in your legs, then you stand up too fast and all that blood starts circulating again all at once and throws your poor brain off and you get that “blood rushing to your head” feeling.
Only with me, it takes a frighteningly long time to go away.
I guess that is because those narrowed parts of my carotid artery are making it harder for my body to rebalance things after such an incident.
And that’s exactly the kind of shit that will lead to my having a stroke if I don’t get my act together and start taking care of myself real soon.
And the sick, sick, SICK part is that the bad part of my mind is like “Oh great, a stroke! Surely after that, nobody will expect anything of us and we will be cared for by nice hospital people and everyone will be sweet to me all the time and I won’t feel like a failure any more because now I have a VISIBLE disability, the kind people actually respect and feel compassion for. ”
Ain’t that a barf bucket full o’ crazy.
But that’s really how that revolting part of my mind thinks. It’s that perverse flight instinct that wants out and doesn’t care how much damage it (you) takes in the process.
Makes sense when you’re running from a lion, not so much when you’re running from yourself and your personal demons.
And I know that there’s nobody in my life who actually sees me as a horrible disgusting shameful failure of a subhuman being.
That’s all on me.
But one of the darkest secrets of abnormal psychology is that knowing something is not real does not always make it go away.
Because the existence of something like my annihilation level self-loathing was never based on evidence or logic in the first place. It’s based on bad brain chemistry.
Ergo, as long as those chemicals stay bad, my self-loathing remains “real” in the most important way possible.
In that it is real to me.
Compared to that, whether anyone else can see these ghosts of mine ain’t worth shit.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.