Something is coming. Something big.
Something big enough to utterly destroy me so that I might finally renew myself
Something that will eclipse the sun and drown me in its shadow
Something that will blast me to cinders so that I can be reborn like the Phoenix
Something that will shatter me with a hammer’s blow like a cometary impact that’s been coming for 48 long years and is just now starting to make the pebbles dance
My hungry void will finally finish devouring me, and only then can I be reborn
So here I sit, trembling and nervous as a virgin sacrifice, knowing that I am about to die but eager to see what happens next.
I’ve not been feeling so great lately.
Emotionally, I mean. Physically too, but you all know about that.
But for whatever reason, I have avoided talk about my increasing depression. Despair has been closing in, along with that ever so dangerous “trapped animal” feeling.
The kind that leads to a creature gnawing off a limb.
No danger yet, though. I feel increasingly anxious and restless and hopeless, but I am not feeling the impulse to self-harm just yet.
But if I go there, I go there. I’m not worried. It’s an urge I am very good at suppressing, both via simple denial and by recognizing it for what it is and doing my best to listen without actually always it access to the controls, so to speak.
And when needed, reciting all the reasons I know it’s a bad idea to myself.
You’re just feeling frustrated. This too shall pass. Don’t apply a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There’s still a lot of fun to be had.
And so on.
But I do feel like this is all building towards something. A crisis, I hope. A nervous breakdown. Some sort of spiritually epiphany. Something. Anything, really.
I will take whatever train can get out of this stinking dead end town I can.
Stuff me in the back of a cattle car. Make me bunk with smelly hobos. I will even shovel coal if I have to.
Just get me the hell out of here.
Once more I say : there is nothing in me right now that I will not sacrifice in the name of becoming a saner version of me. Absolutely nothing.
I will become a completely different person if that is what it takes. I will be anybody at all as long as that person is functional and happy.
I’ll try not to become an asshole. Big Bad Bear and all that.. But no promises.
Because there is going to be a reckoning. A purge, perhaps, or some kind of holy war. Things are going to be resolved at last, and all the mental trash I have built up over all these years will be put to the torch, and the in the flames I will be reborn anew.
And I will shout my joy unto the sky, and dance the dawn away.
More after the break.
Getting tired of living in Oblivion
Boy, does that work on multiple levels.
But mostly I am talking about the video game. At least, for now.
As patient readers are somewhat aware, I have been playing the game The Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion quite a lot for the last 4 months or so.
Most of that has been me exploring various mods and character builds. The last month or so, I have been checking out the various Quest Mods on the Nexus.
According to Steam, as of this moment I have played it for a little over 450 hours total. Fun with math time : that is 18.75 days, or 2.78 weeks, of my ever-dwindling lifespan spent staring at a screen and pretending to stab Orcs.
Time well spent? Time well….. spent, anyhow.
Who cares? At this point I’m waiting to die anyhow.
Anyhow, after a measly 450 hours of entertainment, I am finally getting sick of the game. The more unique elements are wearing thin and the fact that all I am REALLY doing is traveling from dungeon to dungeon with annoying city quest bullshit in between is becoming more and more evident.
And when the pattern becomes increasingly obvious like that, it’s time to jump ship and find a new game. Preferably one that is as different from the previous one as possible.
Coincidentally and serendipitously, my good buddy Maelkoth just bought this monster bundle of games in support of Ukraine, and offered me whatever games were in it that he already has.
Perfect! I went through the list, found some that looked good to me, and asked for 4.
The first was Dear Esther. The Stream description made it seem interesting and the trailer featured narration in a very striking and intriguing writer style, so I tried it.
Holy crap what a snorefest. The entire game consists of walking occasionally punctuated by narration. That is IT. You can’t even interact with the scenery, or run, or jump, or anything.
Maelkoth told me it’s the “game” for which the term “walking simulator” was coined. And it is not a term of endearment.
Then there’s Endless Space 2, which it turns out I already had.
Gave it another try. Remembered why I uninstalled it after trying it before : there is so much to learn right at the beginning!
Makes other, less onboarding intensive games look real good.
But I knew that going in this time and this time I am determined not to wimp out and actually learn the goddamned thing.
Everything sucks in the beginning, after all. And I am tired of giving up too easily on things. So I am going to hang in there and see what’s on the other side of the learning curve for once.
Then there’s Ring of Pain, a pretty decent take on the minimalist CCG RPG. Of the three, it’s the most promising. Fast-paced but still turn based. Best of both worlds.
There’s one more, Sunset Overdrive, which I have not tried yet. I doubt I will enjoy it, but the trailer was so merrily insane that I just had to give it a shot.
At least one of those is bound to be my new love, or at least keep me busy till I find it.
I am not entirely done with Oblivion yet. But I’m not far off.
Who knows, I might even get desperate enough to buy a brand new game!
Wish me happy hunting in finding one.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.