No really. I do.

Today was Therapy Friday^[1], something I managed to completely forget until I answered the phone and it was Doctor Costin.

It was a good session. I felt like I got a lot of emotions moving in it.

Given my usual state of emotional constipation, that means a lot to me.

One of the resulting revelations was that I have been blocking my own growth and healing by letting the Trog have too much power.

Because the Trog hates and fears and fights change. It wants everything to stay exactly the same so that it never has to leave it cozy, polluted nest.

Hence my only be able to help myself through the relatively passive mode of speech. Speech is safe. I can talk and pontificate and intellectualize and cogitate till the cows come home as long as it doesn’t start making me want to do things.

Doc C nailed it when he said I block all emotions that might lead to action. In the frozen world of the avoidant, motion is exposure and exposure is danger and danger is death.

Ergo safety is all-important. Absolutely nothing – not even saving my own goddamned life – is more important than staying “safe”.

It’s like my soul is a fascist state suppressing practically every form of self-expression amongst its citizens in the name of “security”.

And because I block all action potentials as “unsafe”, I can’t do any of the things that might make me happy.

Like I said once before, it’s like my worst enemy is my own adrenaline.

Obviously, there is no change without action. And there is no healing without change. Healing IS change – a change for the better, but it’s still change.

So it seems like I need to step up my campaign to oust the Trog forever, or at least keep him locked away where he can’t do any harm.

Another thing that came up in today’s session was despite my vain self-image as a rational person, I am only as rational as the Trog lets me be. As long as I am not thinking the scary action oriented thoughts, I can be a goddamned secular Buddha for all it cares. Sitting here thinking my big thoughts and feeling superior to all the ignorant people who just don’t “get it” like I do.

But rouse the Trog and all rationality is gone, and I am that scared little animal hiding from everything and ready to fight like the proverbial cornered rat if anything tries to take it away.

Like, say, a healthy urge to do something productive.

So that shit has to go. I can’t let my most scared and irrational side hold me hostage any more. Somehow, I have to talk that psycho into putting down his gun and letting the hostage go before he gets us all killed.

But how do I convince him that the danger is long gone and we are safe now?

Where’s one of those police hostage negotiators when I need them?

More after the break.

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Well this is pretty damned good. Warning, contains explicit gay sexytimes.

For Emergency Use Only.

Damn right that mouse is cute! POUNCE!

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Hot and bothered

I am not well.

I feel hot. From the inside. Like I have a furnace in my chest.

Worse, I feel dizzy and woozy and stiff. Getting around is rather trick because I am lurching around like a drunken sailor on a rough sea.

I have a mild headache with a focal point in the middle of my forehead, right about where my third eye would be. It feels connected with the dizziness et al.

Oh, and I have a detached, floaty feeling too. And it’s getting hard to concentrate. It’s like my mind is a cloud being pushed gently across the sky by a breeze.

No. Come back. I want to stay.

Pondering whether I should go to the ER. None of these symptoms seem quite bad enough on their own, but maybe together……?

Then again, I don’t think I could take showing up there and spending three hours plus waiting around in the ER only to be told it was nothing again.

I know I shouldn’t care. Better that than ignoring something major that could have been nipped in the bud if caught early.

But I do care. Way too much.

I guess my avoidant personality disorder is stronger than my hypochondria.

Fight, neuroses, fight!

The possible fever definitely makes this seem like an infection of some sort. But I did just start a new drug, Jardiance, and according to that link, known side effects of that oddly named drug include weakness, dizziness, and lightheadedness, and I am certainly experiencing all three of those.

Another side effect is joint pain, and I suppose muscle stiffness sort of applies?

Sad : was supposed to go to McD’s with Le Gang tonight but had to bow out due to symptoms. Was going to order in like I usually do on Fridays but decided low appetite plus not wanting to commit to walking all the way to the apartment door and back made that a poor idea.

I might still do it. As often happens with me, eating a little made me hungrier. Stupid low blood sugar. But I doubt it.

Speaking of hypoglycemia, got to be on the lookout for that. The whole point of Jardiance is to lower your blood sugar but that can go too far.

Better make a mental note to NOT SKIP ANY MEALS any time soon, too. No matter how non-hungry I am. Eat some fucking food.

Oh, another development : finally bought myself a B12 supplement.

I don’t like supplements in general. The best nutritional supplement is always food.

We did not evolve to get our vitamins and minerals from pills.

But I have failed miserably at my modest goal of eating one meal containing animal products a day and so I have to be realistic about it and get that shit elsewhere.

And when I say fail, like, there’s a can of flaked turkey in my cupboard with a “best before” date of almost exactly a year ago.

Is there anywhere I can buy boiled eggs in bulk?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.