An odd thought struck me this morning. I was feeling overwhelmed and depressed (happens to me a lot lately) when a strange voice in my head said, “Fuck it, I’ll be over here being happy. ”
This was accompanied by a thought of myself simply stepping out of the maelstrom within and wrapping my arms around myself to keep warm and sheltering inside.
And then something like the formula above occurred to me as a way to express what I was feeling. What if I just concentrated on whatever I am missing in order to be happy?
And then just kind of… gave it to myself?
It’s the distant progeny of my “what’s wrong with being happy for no reason?” thoughts. And it’s essentially a formula for religion, at least as I see it.
X is God, at least for some.
But not for miserable materialists like myself, presumably. We’re too “smart” for that.
Sometimes I get sick of my own god damned cleverness.
Still, the concept holds. I don’t need to drag a whole bunch of mystic dogma and logically absurd fairy tales and belief in that perfect Daddy in the Sky in order to get a sort of basic religion going on in my head.
I mean seriously. Fuck reality. It’s never done me any favours. It’s never met my needs. It’s never even come close. It’s never even tried.
It’s done such a shitty job of meeting my needs that I don’t even know what they are. X is a wide open variable to me right now. I have no idea what I need in order to be happy.
Better get working on that, I guess.
Most of the time I am just struggling to stay afloat. When you are barely keeping your head above water, you tend to lose your ambitions.
Maybe that’s the point, though. My depression generates all this turmoil to keep me thinking in terms of survival instead of having dangerously subversive thoughts about happiness, or maybe even….. thriving.
I’ve been in survival mode for so long that I have no idea what that even looks like.
Seriously. I try to imagine myself happy and all I get is static. Null input, no signal, channel not found.
Let’s try something else.
Talked with Doctor Chao on the phone about my dizziness et al today. He seems to think it is low blood pressure, which would be ironic.
Usually the problem is the opposite.
Got an appointment to see the doc in person at 3:30 pm on Friday. Dunno how I will be getting there. In a cab, I suppose.
Certainly not in the JoeMobile, he will be at work by then. Whatever. These things can be managed. Who gives a crap.
Not in the best of moods at the moment. Life seems pretty crappy right now. I continue to fall apart and birth fresh medical horrors on the daily.
I want to stop drowning and swim to shore but I dunno how.
Guess I will just give up and drown then. Find out what’s next.
More after the break.
I have to agree
I’m a fairly agreeable dude.
It’s how I was raised. My role in the family was to go wher3e I’m told and stay where I’m put. Whatever you need is fine by me. My needs and desires are completely unimportant and instantly disposable.
I was so eager to please and hungry for positive attention that I would never have dreamed of telling you that I can’t do that or that doesn’t work for me or that would majorly fuck up my life.
What’s the compared to the brief feeling of usefulness and competence I am aglow with when I can actually help someone?
No wonder I liked working retail so much,
That was demonstrated today when I made that appointment with Doctor Chao. He asked me if 3:30 pm on Friday was good for me and I cheerfully replied, “Sure! No problem! ” even though that’s actually a very inconvenient time for me.
But here’s the thing : In that moment, I honestly couldn’t see that. I literally could not imagine what might be wrong with that time.
Um, maybe it’s that by then, Joe will be at work along with the car? So no ride?
That occurred to me a few minutes later, but in that moment, nope. That’s how badly I want to tell people what I know they want to hear.
This is a particularly bad approach to handling medical situations.
I should always be telling everyone involved in my care the unvarnished truth about my problems and my needs. But that’s so hard for me.
The fact that doctors are not just authority figures but intellectual authority figures only makes it that much worse. It makes me want their positive regard all the more
Same thing with my teachers. And my mother.
Now some who know me – teachers especially – might be a tad shocked to hear me describe myself as agreeable.
That’s because while I am quite agreeable, I am also quite opinionated. And to most people that seems like a contradiction.
Well, one man’s contradiction is another man’s nuance.
My agreeableness takes the form of being fine with whatever you want. I don’t have strong preferences on a lot of things and I’d rather just get on with things so like, whatever, you know?
I do have strong opinions on a lot of things, though.
Front seat or back seat? I don’t care.
What restaurant will we eat at? Meh. Most places have something I can eat.
Who goes first? I don’t care. You, if you want.
But if the question is, “Are homeless people just lazy?” you’re goddamned right I care.
My (long lost) point is that there are times when I am far too agreeable for my own good. And I keep trying to compensate for that by telling myself I need to be truthful and direct in these situations, but apparently it takes a lot more than just a pep talk to tix.
Maybe if I tell myself that only the most truthful answers will make the doctor happy….
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.