Pain is really depressing.
We shall now pause while you try to get your minds unblown.
When I woke up a little while ago, I actually felt pretty good. The nap had done me some good, the sun was shining in the window, and I was relaxed and at peace.
Then came the panoply of agonies that I have to go through just to sit up from a prone position these days. and now I want to murder a lot of something.
It’s not just my back, by the way. I think I fooled myself into thinking that so that the problem would not seem so scary but no, it’s every joint in my body.
Ankles, knees, hips, wrists, elbows, shoulders. and neck. They all scream in protest when I bend them.
One little motion and the joint goes CLICK in a bone-deep and sickening way and I get a thunderbolt of deep tissue pain that I can feel in the pit of my stomach.
It almost always makes me whimper, moan, or curse, and having it happen multiple times when you’re doing something as simple as getting out of bed makes you want to break down and cry.
So live and let die.
I wish I had realized it was body-wide when I talked to that gitt Doctor Stitt.
Explain to me how a fall on my back made my knees stiff and painful as the rest of my joints and in the exact same way, Stitt you feculent fool.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to lay down any more because I know that means I will have to endure another agonizing ascent.
I actually checked out sleeping in my computer chair just to see if I could avoid having to lay down.
Sadly, it did not work out. I might be able to rest that way but there is no way I could relax enough to sleep.
Might try again some time though. Or figure some other way to work around this fucking torture. Something clever that keeps the weight off the big joints.
I keep imagining some kind of soft rope that I could use to haul myself upright. That would no doubt work but what the hell would I tie the rope to?
Not a lot of common household objects will support my weight in such a configuration.
I have at least improved my technique a bit. The secret is to take my weight on my arms as much as I can, so first I raise myself up on my elbows.
Sadly, I then have to get the rest of the way via the usual method, and agony ensues.
Overall, my life has gotten a fuckton worse since I fell. If this is the first act in my long prophesied slide into worse and worse health and more and more suffering, then things have certainly started off with a bang.
I wonder if I should get a second opinion from Doctor Chao?
More after the break.
The dependent male
The dependent male is… not allowed.
Our cultural programming tells us that men are supposed to be, above all, independent. Self-sufficient. We take care of you, not the other way around.
Sure, we may have to begrudgingly allow ourselves to be dependent for short periods of time due to illness, grief, and other extreme cases.
But we’re supposed to hate every minute of it and be chomping at the bit to get back in the action the second we are ready if not sooner.
And there is a time limit of sorts even on that. Anything that takes more than a month to get over will make people suspect you are goldbricking – which is a terrible crime against the whole “chomping at the bit” thing.
If you are supposed to be eager to get back into the fight, then deliberately remaining dependent to avoid the fight is the worst kind of cowardice.
And what of the permanently disabled? Those of us so sick that getting “back into the fight” is simply not an option and we have no choice but to remain dependent on those around us if we are even to survive?
That’s what I have been facing lately : the possibility of losing my independence and having to rely on others to do even the most basic of things.
I will have an extremely hard time making that adjustment.
As patient readers know, I have a very high need for autonomy and.or control and dependence on others flies in the face of that.
I get the feeling that if I am placed in such a state of dependence, I will become extremely difficult to deal with for a while. The lack of control will hurt me and freak me out so badly that I will end up lashing out at those around me.
You know, the very people on whom I am depending in the first place.
It’s not a pleasant picture but it’s the one I see as of now.
Honestly, I would probably be one of those disabled people who goes to enormous lengths not to need anybody else’s help.
So like…. monkeybars all through the apartment. Specially adapted toilets and faucets. Wheelchair accessible everything. That kind of thing.
Tacking back towards the point, there is the deep and terrible shame of being a dependent male. It cuts right through my heart and is one of the biggest wellsprings of the deep deep underground river that feeds my deep reservoirs of self-loathing.
How can I have any worth as a human being if I can’t even support myself?
How can I stand being such a god damned liability?
Why should I live when my living is such a negative for all, including me?
Wouldn’t the world be better off without me?
Wouldn’t I be better off without the world?
These are the deep and terrible questions that haunt my soul and pollute my blood and take me to very dark places I don’t want to go.
But I know these things can be overcome. I can grow stronger than anything that darkest side of me can throw at me.
I can build up my fire till it is too hot for the icy beams of self-negation to effect.
I can shine so bright it banishes night and makes dawn of dusk.
I can overpower these paltry ghosts of mine and be reborn unto the light and warmth and spirit of a brand new age.
And I can leave this pathetic little town behind me.
The enemy is strong.
But I can still win.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.