I am a very shy person.

Except that, no I’m not. Not really. Or am I?

The problem is that I do not necessarily come across as shy.

First, there is the whole issue of this slab of lard I call my body.

In life, I am a big huge bearded fat guy. I weigh well over 300 pounds, I am six feet tall (ish), I am broad of shoulder and long of limb and huge of hand and foot. I sport a thick beard and long unkempt hair. I am a large quantity of human. And I am male.

As unfair as it is to judge people by their appearance, nobody looks at a guy who, glasses aside, looks like he might have stepped out of a biker gang or a prison rape sequence and says “I bet that guy is a shy, sensitive sort who is easily hurt. ”

People tend to assume that you are what you look like. I don’t exactly look like anyone’s idea of the shy and sensitive male.

When you have this kind of dissonance between inner and outer, people tend to subconsciously become annoyed with you for not fitting their preconceived notions and so they are already somewhat confused and angered.

Further complicating my comportment is the fact that I am both terribly shy and somewhat of an attention loving performer by nature. I love having people listen to me, and I love making them laugh or think I am clever or smart. In certain senses, I love being the center of attention, although deep down, I just want to be a part of something fun. Not necessarily the center, but somewhere near it, I suppose.

And yet, I am also painfully shy and sensitive. So I vacillate between trying to knock people’s socks off and simply wanting to run and hide and never come out again.

This sends mixed messages.

Along with this is the conflict between what my natural public personae is, my “mask” of public life (like the one we all have), and what I am like deep down.

All things being equal, I tend to try to come across as a cool, relaxed, funny, hip, sweet kind of guy. Zaphod Beeblebrox meets Nathan Lane, or something like that.

And it’s not like that is an entirely false image of me. That person is the person I would be, I would like to think, if all my mental health issues went away.

But they are still here right now, and so that image of me tend to flicker and waver and occasionally disappear entirely, and people just plain don’t like that.

All in all, I think there are a lot of conflicts in the way that I come across in public, and that might be a vital clue as to why I find it hard to get on with people sometimes.

I examine these conflicts in myself not simply to excoriate myself, but to try to figure out a thing or two which might help me to become more socially confident.

Because the thing is, lately I have become more and more aware that I have a heck of a personality when I let it shine. Vibrant, witty, kind, and warm. When I am relaxed and confident, I can be quite likable and charming, even charismatic in my own idiomatic way.

And that, to put it plainly, is the guy I want to be. I strongly wish to lose the shyness (as much as that is possible) and make use of my genuine assets in order to become more comfortable in my own skin and through that, more comfortable in the world.

The world is only as hostile as you are weak… the road is much longer for the crippled man. And it is possible to learn to be stronger, but it is not a simple thing that you can call into existence through a simple act of will. One does not rule one’s soul by fiat.

Instead, it’s a long process of rummaging around in one’s soul and finding the deep suppressed pains that drag you down and hold you back, and then going exactly against your instinct and bringing those emotions into the light, where they can be experienced, released, and plague you no more.

I am not saying that is easy. If it was, we wouldn’t need therapists.

But the prize is so enticing : living a happier, more relaxed, more comfortable life.

You have to let that draw you forward, and let nothing hold you back.