Who, what, where, why, and PORK CHOPS? Are we back in the charming boutique country of Fooblesvania for another round of uninspected and tariff free silliness? Is it that time again? Are these questions rhetorical?
Yes little children, it is once more time to break open all the piggy banks and open all the windows on our Advent calendars at the same time (stickers? What a ripoff!) and get all crazy with the Cheex Whiz as we once more plunge into the deep dark heart of the Fooble Jungle and find out if it truly contains all the wisdom and secrets of the ages, or whether the rumours are true and it’s just full of cholesterol.
Inquiring minds want to know!
I know…. let’s start with some outrageous cuteness!
Turns out, baby cheetahs don’t meow. They squeak, which, amazingly enough, is even cuter. Just look at that fluffy little kitten squeaking at you because it’s hungry. Don’t you just want to pick it up and cuddle it and pets its fuzzy head?
Its mama might not think much of that, though. Helpful hint : if you and Mama end up in a dispute, don’t try to run away. You will not get far.
Cheetahs are weird felines in many ways. They don’t have a meow, they instead have a sort of barking sound they make. Their claws don’t retract like most felines’ do. In many ways, they are more like dogs than cats.
Plus, you know, they’re the fastest animals on land. But don’t worry, they are cool about it. They don’t hang around being all smug about it just to make other creatures feel bad or anything. They know they are fast, and that’s enough for them.
You have to admire that.
Next on our whirlwind tour of this fascinating nation, we have an informercial from Japan that should make us here in North America feel better about things like the Shake Weight and the Forever Lazy.
I think the lack of English really helps this clip. I don’t speak Japanese at all, so to me, this is a fascinating pantomime about a mysterious product with hilariously obscene action.
Realistically, it is easy to deduce that this product is presumably a piece of exercise equipment designed to mimic the sort of exercise one gets from riding horseback.
I know, I know, from the point of view of us city folk who are used to less equine forms of transport, getting exercise from horse riding seems as silly as claiming you get a good, stiff workout from riding the bus.
But from what I am told, it’s actually very good exercise for the rider as well as the horse. It takes a lot of balance and skill to stay upright in the saddle, grip the horse with your legs, and match your movements to the movement of the horse at the same time.
And from the action of the exercise machine above, you can certainly see why girls on the cusp of puberty find horses so appealing.
No, I won’t explain that. You can either figure it out on your own or you are not old or mature enough to know. Moving on!
There’s a terrible blood sport happening in a chic suburban neighborhood near you, and this brutally frank expose blows the lid off all of the sordid details.
Brutal Spouse-Fighting Ring Discovered in Miami Basement (Preview of Season 2 on IFC)
A very clever idea for a skit, well executed by the people over at The Onion News Network.
A lot of people would enjoy that kind of thing. For some reason, there are people who enjoy watching other people have big verbal altercations. To them, I suppose, it’s happening to them, so they feel free to enjoy it like a spectator sport.
Me, I am far too sensitive for that. My instinct is to try to end conflict, not sit back and enjoy it, and if I can’t, I will want to just get the heck out of there.
Bad vibes, man. Harsh, negative vibes. Not good for us sensitive types. Like I always say, being sensitive is not for wimps.
Despite what you have probably heard all your life.
Well, that’s it for our tour of Fooblevania. Thank you for coming to visit us. You will find that there is absolutely no way to leave except through the gift shop, where you will find many things you would never buy if they weren’t related to a thing you just did.
Have fun, and come back soon!