Things just keep getting worse.
For starters, my leg endurance is lower than ever, and that is quite troubling.’
I just got back from the kitchen after gathering my lunch there and it was a very bad trip. My legs started hurting the moment I stood up and it took only seconds to reach the pain level I usually only experience at the end of a trip.
Granted, I did go to Wound Care at the CCC this morning, so my legs might still be fucked up from that.
But this sort of thing has been happening all week.
Plus my back has started hurting again. I had a lovely peaceful period there where my back barely bothered me at all but now the pain is back to remind me of just how fucksd up my body is.
Compression fracture of the L4 vertebra, reporting for duty, sir!
But by far the thing that worries me the most is that I think my eyesight is getting worse.
I am doing a lot more squinting at the monitor of my PC these days. In fact, just this morning I had to almost double the size of my virtual keyboard just to be able to see what the heck I am typing.
Never had to do that before.
It would be different if I could wear my glasses, but the goddamned things make me farsighted such that anything closer than three feet is a blur.
So most of the time I don’t have them on. And that might be the very reason my eyes are getting worse.
Wouldn’t that just figure?
More after the break.
The storms of recovery
Been doing some shuddering and weeping tonight. And that’s a good thing.
Because it means another iceberg of frozen emotion has calved off the glacier that sits on my heart and floated to the south to melt, be experienced, and disappear.
Because at the end of the day, the only way to get rid of old emotions is to feel them. They only hang around, dragging you down and wearing you out, because at some point you hit pause on them and froze them in place.
Do that enough and you become like me : a walking freezer chest kept eternally and internally the temperature of interstellar space by a massive backlog of frozen emotions that stretches out to all horizons.
With a backlog of over 40 years of unprocessed emotion, there is no way I can experience each thawed emotion individually. I’d be overwhelmed.
But on a good day, when the stars align just right, all my digging into myself results in some much needed catharsis in the form of shaking and tears.
It doesn’t feel good while it is happening. But I feel a lot better when I am done.
And this is no fleeting thing. When it is done, I will have reclaimed another little part of myself by releasing it from emotional storage duty.
So cry away, cry away all. Let it all out. Let all those toxic memories and diseased emotions flow down your body, out through your feet, and down the cracks in the floor, into the good clean Earth.
You don’t need them any more .
Time to find out who you REALLY are!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.