It was Therapy Thur, er, Friday this morning and had a really good session.
Now let’s see how much of it I can remember.
Let’s start with the Inciting Incident.
Yesterday morning, I was on TikTok just scrolling through random yet mostly delightful video clips when I came upon this one very upbeat and sunshine-y dude.
I quite liked him. He was positive yet cool, which is hard to pull off.
And he started talking about how important it is to have purpose and to stay humble and other generic advice like that.
Now, this dude did nothing wrong. With the best of intentions. and a lot of relaxed charisma, he recorded a video to try to help people and cheer people up.
But it didn’t cheer me up.
Instead, it set off a huge explosion of bitterness and anger and darkness in my soul. By the time that harmless little video ended I was filled with a black rage that made me want to reach up into the sky and blot out the sun by squeezing it in my hand.
This is not normal for me.
And I didn’t know how to deal with it. So I went to sleep.
A very sad way of coping, I agree.
But whilst I felt a lot better after sleeping, I still remembered this uncharacteristic upwelling of negative emotion from before and figured that is the exact sort of thing one should discuss with one’s therapist.
Luckily, I had a session scheduled for later that day.
Sadly, as you know, that didn’t happen. My therapist had a problem and couldn’t do the session and had to reschedule for 10 am this morning.
Grumble, grumble. Hate surprise changes. But whatever.
So today’s session started with me telling my therapist Doctor Costin about my little emotional hellstorm and drawing a parallel with a previous rage tsunami unleashed when I tried to join up and participate on mydepressionteam.com.
It’s a sort of Facebook-like site where people with depression can go to support one another and help one another heal. I signed up and signed on.
And seeing these well intentioned people genuinely and sincerely help one another with words of comfort and support set off an even bigger tactical nuke of darkness and bitterness and burning rage in my mind.
And in both instances, when the dust had settled, I was left wondering WTF was that
So that’s where I started today’s session.
OK, so NOW we will see how much I remember.
I remember that I started out by theorizing that maybe I got so mad because it tapped into so much of the pain I had felt all my life from being so different from everyone around me that it left me emotionally isolated to the extreme.
And that’s most definitely part of it. I have been isolated for so long that it is normal for me and so I don’t notice it on a conscious ;level and haven’t since I was a kid.
But just because I’m not conscious of it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It hurts like hell all the time. The mind knows what should be there and what inputs it should be getting from the outside world, and I got and am getting none of them.
It’s amazing how long you can starve.
More on this after the break.
More morning bounty
Another thing that came out of this morning’s session is the conscious realization that at a cerfain point in my life, I just gave up.
Gave up trying to get along with others. Gave up the idea that anyone could help me. Gave up on the idea of getting the warmth and love I so desperately need. Gave up on