Did the monthly trip to the bank this morning.
I have stalled out on my plan to eliminate the need for said trips by finding a way to spend money online and have it come straight from my bank account.
Seems ridiculous having to keep buying these prepaid VISA cards from PayPower every month in this day and age.
It would be so much easier if I could cut out the middleman. My cheque would b e deposited in my bank account once a month and I would spend it from that same account and everything would be peachy.
But like I said, I have stalled out in the process of making that happen because fate’s dastardly machinations have seen to it that in order to do it, I will need to…
…MAKE A PHONECALL!
And that’s never easy for me.
See, there are two ways to sign up for RBC’s Virtual Visa Debit Card program : their app, and via phonecall.
Well it turns out there is no version of the RBC app that works on my Amazon Kindle Fire 10 tablet.
I’m beginning to wish I had spent the extra $60-$80 on a Samsung.
So that leaves me trying to work up the nerve to make the phone call. Eh.
And it’s not like I expect the phone call to go badly. I am quite good on the phone. Smooth, articulate, with well modulated tones and my own brand of self-effacing goofy charm. There’s no problem there.
It’s the act of opening myself up like that in the first place that daunts me.
Anyhow. Where was I? Oh right, the bank.
It went great. There was no line so I went straight to the teller, and she offered to do my transactions while I was sitting in one of the nearby seats that are normally used for when people have to do something complicated like talk about their mortgage.
So I got to be nice and comfy while I withdrew $1750 out of my account.
You think thay’s impressive, there’s still $750 in there!
I dunno why I withdrew so much. No way am I going to spend the $650 in cash I will have left in cash after buying my monthly $500 card and paying Joe $600 in rent over the span of a month.
Oh well, we’ll see. I might need to buy a second $500 card once I spend a large chunk of the first card on Xmas gifts.
I love buying gifts for people. It lets me express my love for them. And hopefully make them happy in the process.
The other item on today’s agenda was lab work. And there was no line there either. I showed them my CareCard, went to the assigned room, a nice nurse came along and drew some blood with no problems, and I was done.
I didn’t even have to pee in a cup.
So everything went fab. And I am doing my best to hold on to that truth and use it to fight the usual incoming tide of negativity that would wash it all away.
My life isn’t all bad, dammit!
But it hurts so much to remember that sometimes…
More after the break.
It hurts to remember
Yeah, about that.
I think part of what drives depression’s black negativity is a desperate fear of hope.
If you never get your hopes up for anything, you can never be disappointed. If you never rise, you can never fall. Hope is for suckers.
Viewed in this light, a black as night view of the world can be, paradoxically, be quite soothing. It constantly reassures me that I’m making the right choice by laying face down in the metaphorical mud and never so much as looking up.
So it hurts to remember that things are not all bad because it violates this internal taboo against hope and makes part of me yearn for something far greater than what the negativity machine will allow.
My bonds don’t hurt as long as I don’t strain against them.
And by such simple mechanisms even I can be tamed. Domesticated. Made to blindly obey an oppressive system just as long as I still have my toys.
But I am so much more than the sad little puppet boy I have been. I am a magnificent golden dragon who shines like the sun as he soars through the sky. I am a proud and mighty beast who prowls through the forests of idea and who can smell what you’re thinking. I am a wise and devious trickster god, with jokes and tricks to make you thinkj as they make you laugh and who defeats evil with his sly and mocking tone and his ability to see straight through to the core of things.
I am also a marvelous and mysterious spirit creature of unknown and unknowable origins who shines against the cloak of the night and haunts hallowed halls.
Hell, I am even a white hot firebrand capable of setting the world on fire with my overstuffed bag of ideological dynamite, ready to choke hypocrisy, delusion, and evil to death with their own foul emissions.
And I’m also just some guy. A nerd with health issues and far more brain power than he knows what to do with. A brilliant man who tragically has been trapped at the bottom of a deep dark well of depression for far too long and is watching his health and life force slowly fade away feeling helpless to change this negative trajectory even though the means to do so are right at hand.
Something is desperately wrong deep inside my soul. It’s that fucked up circuit breaker again I can’t raise my energy to stretch and grow and progress along my spirit path because every time I try, the power cuts out and I am left hanging.
Disappointed again, this time by my own failure.
Total hopelessness is seeming better and better. Why try when it is so much easier and so much less painful to just lay down and wait for death.
Because I want to be alive, cries the id.
But I am not strong enough to give birth to it yet.
But it’s getting closer….
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.