That phrase popped into my head while I was taking a leak and I immediately knew that this was what I would be talking about next, because…
That’s what I’m trying to do alright.
And if I’d had any doubt as to whether or not this is the right subject for me to discuss right now, the fact that my corrupt inner mind is fighting me tooth and nail to keep me from talking about it would have confirmed that it was.
Now the thought right after “transcend the mental” was “but that’s impossible”. I mean, we are our minds, aren’t we? So how can we overcome our very being?
But that’s not all we are. Our minds are only a part of our total being. For instance, beyond the mental lies the physical and the spiritual, and everything in between.
In fact, the only reason why it seems to me like the mental is everything is that I am so goddamned bright that trying to see anything else is like trying to see the moon and the stars at high noon.
You know they are still out there, but it’s easy to forget all about them.
I think this solipsism of the mind is a big part of the deepest roots of my problems. It limits me in a deep and terrible way by making it seem like if a problem does not have a mental solution, it can’t be solved.
But despite appearances, life is not a puzzle. There are solutions that are hardwired into our minds as a form of self-repair that do not require the active participation of the rational mind at all.
In fact, existing outside the rational mind is a key part of this self-repair function’s entire purpose because it’s in charge of fixing the rational mind when it become corrupted.
And mine sure as shit has.
Problem is that said rational mind is constantly interfering with all things natural and normal and healthy in my mind, so these repair mechanisms get pushed out of the way by my chattering, nattering monkey mind.
I have a lot of monkeys in my head, and they’re ever so strong..
Because my development has been so lopsided in favour of the mental, I lack the tools to even address the rest of my being. Even if I go into the exploration of the remainder of my being with all due humility and the best of intentions, I will still come up empty more often than not because all my instincts are wrong. I will go into it the application of great mental force as my only tool and when that doesn’t work I am stumped.
Hence the need to transcend the mental. I have to dig far deeper than the light of reason can ever penetrate. I have to keep asking myself who I would be if I didn’t have far far more mental might than I have ever known what to do with until I get a satisfactory or at least sufficient answer.
Once more I wish I could just turn that overpowering brightness off for a while so I can get some real sleep and give my emotions a chance to catch the hell up.
Maybe the right strain of pot would help. I don’t know.
I just know I am in desperate need of some real darkness.
More after the break.
I feel responsible
You know…in general.
It’s a simple formula : I accept full responsibility for all the reasonably predictable consequences of my actions.
Simple, but the implications run mighty deep. Simple, which makes it impossible to dodge because it has no loopholes. Simple, but unforgiving.
Which might be a problem. For me.
After all, there must be a reason I’ve never heard of anyone else who formulates their ethics this way. Not even hardcore types like my man Nietzche.. Nor the moral grandaddy of all us utilitarians, Jeremy Bentham. [1]
And I am not the type to claim that the reason is that everyone but me is morally weak and lacks true commitment to their beliefs.
But the thought does amuse me.
No, I think that the reason most people have an area of exception to this rule or two is that they have an instinct of self-preservation I either lack or ignore.
IIt’s the very unforgiving harshness of this ethic that they are unconsciously but wisely avoiding. It may well be true that my starkly logical ethic is “true”, in that it follows logically from the idea of responsibility., but it’s not, as Felicity would say, true in a way that is useful.
Still trying to learn that lesson, dear.
It may be that this taking of responsibility on such a deep level is not compatible with being happy, or even sane. It’s too harsh for comfort, and while in the past I have taken a certain pride in the purity of my ethos and derived a feeling of moral superiority from it, it now occurs to me that it is a symptom of my being far too hard on myself in the name of logic and the “truth”.
After all, the fact that something is true does not mean it can’t hurt you.
That’s the problem with being, as I have said before, “naked before the truth”.
It’s really fucking cold!
And yet, I am not sure I can fix this fault in myself. I have lived my whole life without protecting myself from the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be, and I am not at all sure I can start doing it now.
It would require a more complex and nuanced definition of “true”, One that includes a level of protection for my tender psyche.
And I am not sure that can be done consciously. That which my powerful analytic mind deduces to be true will always be the truth to me. It’s the foundation of my entire sense of reality, and that’s not easy to alter.
No matter how good an idea it is.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.