I’m a pretty low point in my mood cycle.
It’s a place I return to over and again where my anger, frustration, bitterness, and existential angst have built up to toxic levels and the Bad Thoughts start creeping in to my mind once again.
There’s good old “fuck my life”, always a bad sign. Then there’s the next step, “fuck everything everywhere forever”, which you must admit is the most impressively thorough expression of hostility you’ve ever read.
And then there’s what happens around half an hour ago, when I was getting dressed [1] and noticed that all the items of clothing I had selected were black.
And a voice in my head thought, “Hey man, what’s the deal with all the black?”?
To which a different voice said, in a kind of low affect Tommy Chong voice, “Well, whatever increases my chances of getting run over. ”
And that is…not good.
Not just because I thought it, but for the fact that for a couple seconds after I thought it I not only found it funny but thought getting run over sounded pretty good, actually.
After all, thinks the sickest and saddest part of my mind, if I got run over it would either kill me and end my suffering or it would land me in the hospital with a perfect excuse for why I am not going anywhere or doing anything with my life.
Yes, apparently to that part of my mind, there still aren’t enough barriers protecting me from reality and societal expectations and only a hospital environment, surrounded by people whose profession is to care for me and where I am never expected by anyone to do anything except cooperate with whatever testing is needed and be general a pleasant and easy to manage patient.
It’s tragic how good that sounds to me.
Even sadder is the fact that my lifestyle wouldn’t even change that much. I already lie in bed for most of the day, playing games on my tablet.
The main difference would be parting with my PC and eating balanced, normal, healthy meals three times a day in a setting that is actually clean for once.
It’s just too bad that I would have to get much sicker for it to happen.
Back to the point. I would not classify myself as currently suicidal or liable to harm myself, but I am nevertheless closer to that state than I ever wanna be.
Brace yourself, I’m gonna start talking about my dick again.
Because I know that part of my deep frustration has nothing to do with mental health and everything to do with physical tension.
Namely the kind caused when a human male gets sexually aroused without any chances of orgasm or ejaculation over and over again.
Blue balls is the colloquial name for this condition, or as I prefer to call it, Smurf nuts.
And it’s gotten so much worse lately because while my inability to reach the happy squirting time is the same as ever, my libido has really ramped up for some reason.
And this makes things harder (ha) because the only way I know of where I can still cum is to not masturbate at all for more than a week and then give it a whirl.
Before the recently horniness spike, this was not that much of a challenge. I could do without and not really miss it much.
But now I am attempting like twice a day, minimum, and that’s never gonna work. I am running down the battery without ever letting it get a full charge.
Not only that, but it means I am increasing the pressure level in the ol’ fuel tanks way faster than I used to.
No wonder I feel angry and frustrated and depressed.
Those are some agreed-upon symptoms of Smurf nuts.
More after the break.
Easy to catch, hard to lose
I seem to have caught a chill.
At keast, that’s what I call it when I get like this. I have felt cold for days now and nothing I do seems to warm me up.
It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even feel warm under my comforter. In fact, for some bizarre reason, when I am under it, it feels like there is a cold air current betwen me and the comforter and it is chilling me like I’m looking for something in the freezer.
That’s not good.
Getting dressed for once (remember, I blog naked) helped some, but I was still cold below the surface of my skin.
I turned up the thermostat in my room but I can’t feel a difference.
So I am forced to assume that the problem is not situational.
It’s circulatory. My sluggish circulatory system is not moving my blood around right and that leaves me feeling cold.
Which is creepy as hell when you think about it. So I don’t.
Luckily I know what will help. Unluckily, what will help is stand up for a while. Something my mysterious leg problem makes particularly difficult.
Not to mention painful.
I could try giving myself a brisk and vigorous rubdown, like I am a thoroughbred fresh from a race or a prizefighter fresh from a fight.
That would stimulate circulation and bring blood closer to the surface. But it’s also a lot of work. So standing seems like, if not the better option, then the laziest one.
Honestly, I will probably do both. I will stand a while so that my whole body’s blood supply can circulate without any pinch-points getting in the way and with gravity helping things get around in at least one direction
And then I will lay down, put a YouTube video on the tablet to listen to while I give myself a good rubbing.
That should fix the problem. I will have myself warmed up in no time.
I wish I had a fireplace to curl up in front of. Or a wood stove. Love that radiant heat.
Space heaters just aren’t the same.
Anyone know where I can find a sauna?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.