Lately I bought & downloaded this magnificently mad thing :

It’s demented, adorable, twisted, and furry.

The only way it could make me happier is if it always perverted.

But the internet provides.

And yet, despite my gushing, I am still not sure I am enjoying the actual game enough to keep it.

I also can’t decide if I am legitimately uncertain or whether this is just the usual chickenshit feeling I get when I approach the literal point of no return on a new game.

The thing is, the game is kinda fun. It’s just as colorful and cute and over the top as the demo, and not nearly as full of horrible violence to cute cartoon animals as I feared.

I mean, it’s there, but at a reasonable amount.

But I’m 66 minutes into the game (meaning I have 54 mins left to make my decision) and so far I am feeling pretty meh about it.

For one thing, they’ve included this whole colony management aspect in it. I have to gather and tend my followers, making sure they have enough to eat, places to prostate themselves to my holiness in abject submission, someplace to get coffee, etc.

And to do so, resources have to be harvested from the environment and combined and followers have to go search for more and rrrrrrrrr my eyes are rolling into the back of head just thinking of how tedious all that shit is.

Don’t wanna do it. What’s the point of being a deity with slavishly devoted followers if I have to do the boring admin work? I ask ya.

The other part of the game is fairly generic ARPG dungeon crawler. Also not doing a lot for me, to be honest.

I mean, it’s not terrible or anything, but so far I am not impressed.,

And that’s pretty much the whole game. A tedious colony management game and a meh ARPG. Seems pretty bleak.

But the game’s getting boffo reviews, so I am willing to hang on with it a little more. Perhaps there’s more to it than I’ve discovered so far.

Or maybe I am just being chickenshit. Maybe I just have trouble making decisions and sticking with them, and lack courage, moral fiber, and backbone.

Yeah. That sounds about right,

Speaking of backbone, mine’s really hurting right now. It’s been flaring up in pain on a regular basis lately, since before the hospital, and I am getting worried.

After all, I have a cracked L4 vertebra there.

But it doesn’t feel too dire yet. It could still be only a slight variation in my usual digestive difficulties leading to center torso tension and hence back pain.

Still, I am keeping a close eye on it. Last thing I need is something going fucky there.

Spines are really important. I use mine all the time!

More after the break.

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Annoyed with myself

I’m currently kinda annoyed with myself because, due to an ill timed nap, I once more forgot to make my appointment with the Stroke Clinic and now I will have to do it tomorrow and I even told them in a message on voice mail I’d do it today.

So, grr, me. Why must we be so hard to deal with? So smart and yet so clueless. Sigh,.

In that one sense, I suppose, it is better that I don’t have the helper of my dreams.

This way, I mostly aggravate myself. That seems fair.

I want to be easier on myself. Really I do. But I think I am too damn peppery for my own good. Too internally hotheaded.

Making me a one person child abuse scenario, essentially. I’m my own easily irritated and verbally abusive parent – my own version of the late Larry Donald Bertrand.

It’s not quite that I have my father riding around free in my head – it’s not that simple.

That, I would find easy to deal with. Just tell that part of me to fuck off. Easy peasy.

No, it’s the far more tricky issue of the doors to anger left open by a childhood filled with walking on eggshells due to his short fuse.

So far in my life, I have kept this irritability buried deep inside me and directed at myself. And that works out well for the world, I suppose. I’m not the menace I could be,

And I could be so very, very bad.

But not all slopes are slippery and moving in the direction of bad does not mean immediately sliding all the way to the most Mister Hyde meets Hannibal Lecter meets The Joker side of my personality.

That’s just a bullshit scare tactic of the kind my depression is fond of, the equivalent of putting big terrifying that say “This way lies madnesss!” or somesuch in front og all routes that might lead to my liberation and its destruction.

And I am learning to ignore that shit. It’s not real. These “predictions” have no basis except maybe fear. Pretty much all of my all-encompassing terror of going crazier is nothing but a big bulging balloon a-brim with bullshit.

I might feel like I am always on the edge of madness and the slightest wrong move could lead to my plunging screaming into the abyss of my own mind, all connection to reality severed and at the mercy of my inner demons forever – but it’s not true.

And yes, just typing that out has left me mortally terrified to the point where it’s hard to keep going – but that doesn’t make it any more likely.

That’s a mistake we all can make – our minds conjure up irrational fears but flooding us with how scary a scenario is so we forget how unlikely it is.

I mean, sure, if I was to fall into my own mind forever, it would be the worst thing possible other than being buried alive – but neither are very likely to happen,

Probability is your friend, friend. It’s the only way out of this bullshit.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.