Really? Crap. Now what am I supposed to do?
Oh right. Write about stuff. In my head. Weird.
Well it’s not like I have any life events to report, for which I should be grateful as my most frequent source of news to share is my deteriorating health.
No fresh hell for that front to report, at least.
Oh, I get the feeling it’s time for me to get a new monitor because mine has developed this black line running from the top of the screen to the bottom around a third of the way from the left side.
When I first saw it, I immediately thought it had somehow gotten scratched, but nope, that would be way too normal and easy to deal with for my life.
The surface of the screen is unmarred. Which is a relief in one sense because I would have had no idea how the heck it would have gotten scratched.
I never even touch the thing. I don’t even remember where the on/off switch is. It’s always just been there.
But it is quite elderly. I got it over a decade ago and I bought it used. So if it was to develop an eccentricity now would be entirely understandable.
The crazy thing about this black line is that it’s so sharply and distinctly BLACK. It makes it look like a real physical thing.
As if somehow the screen had gotten scratched on the INSIDE. Spooky!
But I know that’s not the case either because the exact thickness of the line varies over time and sometimes the dang thing disappears completely.
So like, WTF, right?
Luckily it’s not hard for me to just kind of tune it out. So it’s not really a huge problem yet, just a little reminder that it’s time to get a new monitor.
Ah well, patient readers know I was already contemplating getting a new monitor anyhow. This one had served me well for many years but nothing lasts forever.
Besides, I want a sleek new monitor to go with my hot new video card. If I am lucky I will be able to afford something nice and bed with absurd resolution levels.
The card continues to perform well. Although when it is in full use, like when I am playing No Man’s Sky, I can feel the extra heat coming out of the main ventilation area of my computer.
Made me worry I was running a serious fever the first time it happened!
I’ve finished one main leg of one of the main plotlines in NMS.
SPOILER ALERT. There’s a spoiler coming. Be alert to it.
Had an opportunity to reboot the universe but decided, nah, I still got stuff to do.
Besides, I don’t buy this whole “the multiverse is just a simulation” crap. I’m a pragmatist. If it behaves exactly like objective reality, that’s real enough for me.
Regardless of whether there’s some enormous depressed megacomputing AI out there who thinks it is God yet somehow needs me to turn it off and on again.
Do it yourself, dammit. And leave us mortal sentients out of it!
More after the break.
A new record!
Now I am eating “supper” at 11 pm!
For the usual reason : sleeping when I should have been eating/blogging.
But in my defense, I lay down at 7 pm. Normally that would get me to 9 pm, not 11 pm.
How was I supposed to know I would get four hours of healthy sleep?
I mean, what are the odds?
And now, as a result of this freak occurrence, I am actually feeling a bit of time pressure because I have to get my remaining words out between now and midnight.
Easily done for a fertile mind such as mine, but still. Pressure. Ick.
I’ve been in one of my less contemplative modes lately. That’s why these blog entries have been more chatty and less deep.
For the moment at least, that’s a good thing. Means I am feeling relatively well put together and focused and content.
It’s when I am in my more usual mode of feeling wretched and depressed that I dive down my navel in search of therapeutic treasure.
Avast, men… thar be unresolved traumas! And by the way they are fighting being brought to shore, I can tell they be big ones!
As always, I wish I could get better faster. There are times when I feel like a fool, standing here with my little pail and shovel trying to dig up the bones of s whale with my paltry little words.
But it’s all I can do. All I know how to do. What I really need is some kind of deep spiritual event to turn over the soil of my mind to allow for fresh growth and give me access to that all important thing I lack : renewal.
That’s what living in survival mode denies me. On a really goddamned deep level, I am all about just making it through the day, as if I lived in a war zone.
But I don’t. I am perfectly safe. The war ended when I was a child. There are no bullies in my life. No coldhearted authority figures who just want me to go away. No wolves at the door, no barbarians at the gates.
Just my tired old inner demons singing the same old songs and wearing the same old scary masks so they can keep me locked up in this musty old castle of mine.
On paper, I have everything I need to recover. Time, food, shelter, medicine.
But unfortunately depression is not like the common cold or the flu. You can’t just rest up and get plenty of fluids and wait for it to pass.
You have to actually do stuff. Heavy stuff. Difficult stuff. And you have to do it with your own mind fighting you tooth and nail the whole time.
And you have to do it alone. Nobody can come into your mind and fight with you. Or for you. Ultimately it is just you versus yourself, day in, day out.
No wonder we depressives are so tired all the time.
We’re driving with the parking brake on. All the time.
I will talk to your nice people again tomorrow.