I was going to call this entry “Closer to the surface”, but then I realized that would mean missing out on a chance to reference and link a song!
Now, does that sound like a song written by a Ayn Rand type to you? I think not.
Anyhow, the reason for the reference is that I have been feeling to my own heart lately. My emotions are more accessible and I can truly feel things.
And lordy, does it feel good.
Like I said once long ago, both mind and body know what kinds of inputs they should be getting, and when those inputs are missing the individual feels distress.
Like when you foot falls asleep. Technically, you’re feeling nothing, and so view narrowly (and stupidly), there’s no problem.
But we know what we are supposed to be feeling, so the realization that our foot has stopped sending signals provokes a kind of body panic that leads us to immediately try to wiggle and stomp some life back into our poor foot.
And even though getting there hurts, when the feeling returns, we feel a flood of relief.
Well it’s that sort of relief I feel when some genuine emotions manage to break through the numbness that grips my soul and make themselves felt.
Even if those emotions are unpleasant. Like the long sad I talked about yesterday.
I wish I could wave my hand like a necromancer and cause all the dead emotions I have buried in my enormous graveyard rise from their graves and line up to be processed.
But I suppose they would probably just tear me apart and eat me. Pity.
Had therapy today. Eventually.
See, unbeknownst to me, my phone is fully dead. Can neither make nor receive calls. I was under the misapprehension that it was just the buttons that were dead, but no, as I discovered when my therapist called me at the appointed time, the handset is dead to the world as well.
Leaving me shouting, “Hello?!?” into the receiver like I was the protagonist in a one act play from the ’30s.
I immediately knew what had happened. So I got Julian to roll the rollator (four wheeled walker) and its handy built in seat into the kitchen next to our only other phone.
I needed that seat because otherwise I would have had to stand while I waited for Doc Costin to call back and that’s not on… at all.
I can’t stand for very long at all. Certainly not for the length of a therapy session.
So I sat in front of the phone waiting. I couldn’t call my therapist back because he’s in Calgary right now visiting his kids and I don’t have that number.
Then I remembered that the number I had for him was his cell phone and thus, in theory, should be the same no matter where he is.
So then I had to come back to the bedroom with a pen and paper to write down the number and take it back to the phone in the kitchen.
And I dialed it. Whoops, wrong number. Either I wrote it down wrong, or Doc Costin’s number changed since I first added it to my Google Keep notes way, way back when I first became his patient.
The latter seems like the more probable cause.
So all I could do is sit there stressing myself into a panic attack and hoping that Doc Costin would, in fact, call me back.
He did. Phew. So I got my therapy today and I didn’t have to spend a week thinking Doctor Costin was disappointed in me and angry that I missed our appointment.
Only problem is, I forgot to tell him I needed more meds and so I am going to run out of Wellbutrin before our next appointment.
Normally I would call him and tell him so he could fax in the prescription, but… Calgary.
So I am going to have to ask my pharmacist Simon for enough Wellbutrin to see me to my next appointment.
Why did things get so complicated all of a sudden?
More after the break.
Hear ny demands!
I’m pretty sure I would be a very demanding boss. Maybe eveb difficult.
I mean, you can’t know how you’ll handle leadership until you have it, and I have never truly been the boss.
I’ve always been dealing with volunteers. People who are working with me but not FOR me, if you catch my drift.
Which is fine. I’ve enjoyed that greatly. But it means I have never had people truly working for me and thus, within sane limits, bound to do what I tell them to do.
I’m not sure I would handle it well, at least at first.
Because I have very specific standards when it comes to what I want done, and those standards might be hard for people to meet, at least at first.
My people would definitely need to learn to listen to every word I say and then do exactly what I said to do.
That’s way harder than it sounds. So I would understand that there will be a period at the beginning where my staff and I would be getting used to one another.
And I know that the whole time, two major sides of my personality would be duking it out : Nice Guy Fru, and INTJ Robot Fru.
Not sure who would ultimately win. Hopefully I would find a happy medium.
Because I definitely don’t want INTJ Robot Fru to have sole command. That side of me is real scary and not very forgiving.
Whereas Nice Guy Fru has the warmth, charm, and charisma to be an amazing leader but would have trouble making tough decisions.
This is starting to sound like the Two Kirks, isn’t it?
Hopefully I would find a way to get what I want without turning into a total prick.
But if not, um…. sorry.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.