Feeling pretty pissy right now.
You know, grumpy and out of sorts. Glad there’s nobody I have to deal with right now because I might not be my usual sweet and friendly self to them.
Aw, who am I kidding? Of course I would be. I can’t just turn that shit off. It’s been my social armor for my entire life.
By now, it’s pretty compulsive.
I’ve told the story here before of when I was in the hospital back home in Summerside and feeling absolutely wretched due to my IBS and related issues and then two orderlies showed up to change the sheets et al and suddenly I was bright and charming and funny and joking around with them then the moment they left, I went right back to being absolutely miserable again.
And the thing is, I genuinely felt as perky and lovable as I was being while those guys were there. It was not an act. My mood changed in an instant.
And it occurs to me that a healthier person would conclude from that incident that they must be an extrovert and should be around people who can be their audience as much as they can.
But I am not, alas, that person. I have far too much social damage for that. I spent too many formative years in the situation where quite literally I was only safe when I was alone, and that really fucks a fellow up.
That, and skipping kindergarten.
This subject has been on my mind lately what with all the talk online in the autism spectrum community about “unmasking”.
AKA stopping pretending to be normal.
It’s made me realize that I have instinctively used my charisma, affability, and so on to protect myself from the world for so long that it’s very hard for me to imagine relating to to people any other way.
Therefore, the thought of “unmasking” from that gives me the feeling of being very close to the edge of a very tall cliff.
It would be such a leap into the unknown that I don’t think I could do it.
And that’s not really a problem, because for one thing, it works fine for me and so I have no pressing need to change it.
It could be argued I would be happier if I were more “genuine” but I don’t see how.
And for another thing, it’s never really worked anyhow.
I mean, it’s not like it ever convinced anyone that I am a normal person. It didn’t help me fit in. It didn’t help me get along.
It mostly just confused the hell out of people because I seemed so open and nice and yet there was something very wrong about me too.
Mostly because I lacked the social skills to follow through on the charm. But also because once the initial charm wears off it turns into fear and I start pushing people away without even knowing I am doing it.
I suppose it could be said that “unmasking” would bridge the gap between my friendly sunny persona and the far grumpier and choosier person I am underneath.
But I dunno. That still doesn’t seem like an improvement to me. Seems like I would just end up getting into conflict with people a lot more and nobody wants that.
After all, I don’t want everything thinking that I am always pissy.
More after the break.
You live, you learn
Yeah, thanks, Alanis.
So I had another “adventure” tonight.
I decided I was going to order in, and ended up ordering a large taco pizza from 7-11.
The second I saw that on the menu, I knew I was ordering it. I heart tacos. I heart pizza. So a combination of the two is an easy sell on me.
Especially because I love taco flavoured beef so much. It’s really the star of the show in the taco realm for me. Everything else merely assists it.
No, YOU’RE weird.
Unfortunately, it came with a 2L of either Pepsi or Coke, so I am stuck with a 2L of Coke Zero now when I ordered Diet Coke.
Maybe they were out. I dunno.
Either way, I am reluctant to drink it because I am not used to caffeine any more. Normally I only have it once a week, at Denny’s.
I also did something silly. I needed $3 more to qualify for free delivery, so what did I add to my bill?
A large bag of Miss Vickie’s Sea Salt And Malt Vinegar Chips. Which costs $6.
Because Miss Vickie don’t come cheap. But I pay because I love those chips.
Anyhow, I order, my delivery dude delivers, I tell him to leave it by the door, and all is good as far as I know.
But when I open the door I see that he, quite logically, put the pizza (still in box) on the floor of the hallway.
Where I am going to have to bend way down to get it.
That was not easy and probably not good for me either. Lesson learned. Be damned careful ordering pizza on a Saturday, when there is nobody to retrieve my order for me.
I then staggered into the kitchen feeling pretty bad, and then I had to carry the entire pizza, box and all, into my room because I have no other way to transport it.
After, I found myself feeling bad because yet again, life had thrown something at me that I could not have anticipated and I’d had to deal with it on the fly.
But why is that a bad thing?
Do I really expect myself to anticipate all possibilities in all things forever? Sure, seeing the problem coming and avoiding it ahead of the time is preferable, but having to deal with things in realtime doesn’t mean I have somehow failed.
Because that’s how it felt. Like I had failed and the pain I suffered was the penalty.
And that’s totally nuts. And then some.
Everybody has to deal with things on the fly all the time. There is nobody who can anticipate all possible problems and neutralize them beforehand.
And part of my journey towards sanity has to be learning to accept that.
The real truth is that we are subject to forces beyond our control and arbitrary shit just happens without there being anyone at fault, not even me.
Excrement occurs, man. You got to deal with it and move on.
I did nothing wrong tonight. And next time, I’ll know better.
So why beat myself up?
Other than force of habit?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.