Was watching YouTube and this happened.
(Warning, song WILL get stuck in your head. So, shields up, folks. )
It was so strange and psychotic that I just had to share it will you nice people.
Kind of like being in an accident and being compelled by the trauma to tell the take of it who so much as glances in the direction of your cast.
I’d call it brilliant marketing of the “make something so weird it will go viral” variety except that I have no idea what the hell was being advertised.
I think I saw a backpack for like half a second at the end?
I certainly didn’t feel like clicking a link after. I was in too much of a “WTF did I just watch?” daze to even think about it.
But it got me to watch the entire thing without so much as glancing at the Skip Ad button, and given the downright twitchy nature of my attention span, that’s impressive.
And I have to admit that, brilliant as I am, I could not have come up with something like this. It is quite beyond my substantial imagination.
But most of all, I had to share it will you nice people because I had to prove to myself that it was real and not some Pocky induced fever dream.
…. you see it too, right?
Speaking of fevers, it is freaking hot in here today.
A week ago I was bitterly complaining about someone turning the heat off in my room, and now I am seriously considering doing it myself.
I guess spring has officially sprung. And how
I have at least popped open the window in my en suite bathroom for the first time this year, apart from brief periods to air things out.
If this truly is the beginning of spring, then I likely will not close that window again until some time in October.
What can I say, I like my fresh air.
Now I have lived in this region for 25 years and I still can’t really wrap my head around spring starting in March.
Where I come from, St. Patrick’s Day is considered to be the last day where a really BIG blizzard is likely to occur.
People will listen to the weather and say, “Well here comes our St. Patrick’s Day blizzard. That’ll be the last big one this year. ”
That’s true far more often than not. And to be honest, by that point people on Prince Edward Island have been through so much winter that they really need any reason at all to have hope.
Actual spring doesn’t start till mid-April. That’s when the snow melts, the flowers bloom, the birds start singing in the trees, and a winter’s worth of dog shit appears everywhere.
See, in the winter, nobody picks up after their dogs because snow.
But Islanders don’t really commit to the idea that it’s spring until May. Then we are willing to let down our guard and believe that it is probably more or less springtime.
But ya never know. It once snowed briefly on the morning of my birthday, and that’s on May 19. Turned to rain pretty quickly, but still.
So the idea that it could be considered spring here on March 6 is still absurd to me.
Honestly kind of makes me feel like a sucker.
More after the break.
What I’m supposed to be doing
Oh god, here we are again.
How many times have I been back to the exact same place? The place where I end up talking about this constant feeling that there is something I am supposed to be doing?
And how that feeling is one of the main things I am dodging by isolating so hard? Like it’s some kind of monster I am hiding from?
Jesus. I have been writing about this for over a decade. You would think I would have gotten over it by now.
Maybe that’s what I was supposed to be doing.
Well I don’t know what to do with this information now. I am certainly in no mood to go declaring that from now on I will be free of this feeling and live my life for my own fun and enjoyment exclusively.
Because that would be utter bullshit.
Besides, this feeling must come from somewhere. So where?
Perhaps it’s just a summation of all my frustrated dreams, ambitions, and desires. It’s what happens when your motive force is almost completely stymied and so all desire to do a particular thing is suppressed and all you’re left with is a base level “something”.
Because in one sense, there is something I “should” be doing : living life! Not out of a sense of obligation or expectation but just to get some god damned happiness for once in my sad little life.
That’s something my deeper self wants to be doing, but my damage prevents it. I am far too scared of the world and the dangers my old tapes insist is still there to really step outside my comfort zone at all.
So I just repeat the same pattern over and over again until I die.
Which again would not be a problem if there was nothing in particular I wanted or needed to be doing, but there is.
There is SO MUCH I want to be doing.
But all I can do is look out the tiny window of my metaphorical prison cell and think about how nice it would be to be out there in the sunshine playing with the other kids and having fun.
And believing my own target painted on the horizon – that I am sure to get out there and get my real life started “eventually” so all I have to do is hang on till then.
And yet, what am I doing to bring that about? Blogging and therapy. The same things that have failed to solve the problems since 2011.
Who even was I back then?
I should take my own advice and do things NOW NOW NOW.
But sometimes we tell others to do what we wish we were doing but can’t.
Take it from a guy who’s on fire : don’t play with matches.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.