The other symptoms have faded a little, but not the feeling of malaise.
If anything, it’s gotten a little worse. I feel so tired and oppressed. Part of me wants to just sleep all day and night but I am way too stubborn and ornery for that.
I’m going to get up and have fun, god damn it, even if it kills me.
And I am getting tired of the other shit too. My lungs are heavy with gunk. My nose keeps running. I got ache and pains all through my body.
Man this sucks.
I really should take some insulin. It’s the best boost for my immune system I have. Plus I have felt a resurgence of that god damned Demon Hunger and a shot of insulin is the only way I know of to stop that shit cold in its tracks.
Figures that the only way to get me to take insulin is if not doing so hurts. If only my blood sugar irregularities were always this unpleasant.
I’d be a perfect patient.
But they aren’t. Whatever symptom of high blood sugar I am experiencing most of the time have been my normal for so long that I honestly don’t experienced them at all, let alone seeing them as some kind of problem.
I try to hold on to the memory of the times when my blood sugar was normal – like when I was in the hospital and therefore under the care of a dietician.
But that doesn’t help because I was sick for other reasons then, so I can’t exactly use those times as a source of memories of how good it felt to be “clean”.
That’s how I felt for that one golden month where I had the Freestyle Libre up and running and could therefore actually actively control my blood sugar – clean. Like my circulatory system had been gummed up like blocked sewer and getting my blood sugar under control had cleaned everything out.
And that did feel fairly good, I suppose. But not nearly good enough to get me to change my lifestyle to keep it that way without the Libre’s help.
So back when the government wouldn’t pay for the Libre sensors, and the fucking things were $100 each and only lasted two weeks, I was screwed.
Well, back to dying, I guess.
But the thing is, I really did have rock solid perfect blood sugar when I was in the hospital, and it wasn’t due solely to the lack of sugar in my diet because I almost never have any sugar in my diet at home either.
I wonder if it was the increased amount of vitamin B12 in my diet. Every meal had meat in it and often some dairy too, even if it was just a little carton of milk.
Right now I make sure I have one meal a day with B12 in it. Some kind of animal product, either meat or dairy. But perhaps that’s not nearly enough.
Honestly, it would be possible to have something B12 laden with every meal if it wasn’t for my physical limitations and the dietary limitations they enforce.
Like I could totally get myself canned soup, chili, stew, and so on but I have no way to transport it from the kitchen where I would be heating it up to my bedroom to eat it.
I’d need a fairly large Thermos with a VERY good seal.
And there would still be the issue of having to wait for the microwave to do its thing. But I could do the rest of the setup while that happened.
Point is, I could probably figure something out. It would probably further bloat my already plump grocery budget, but what the hell.
Beats dying. Most days, anyways.
More after the break.
Further thoughts on food
I could get a microwave for my room.
It would not be a simple task, though. I have no idea where I would put it. Microwaves create a lot of heat so you can’t just stick one on the beside table and run it.
Maybe I would be better off with a hot plate. No, that’s even worse. Hmmm.
I certainly won’t eat my chili or chicken noodle soup at room temperature. And I really want to be able to have hot meals.
As opposed to living off cold bologna and cheese sandwiches like I do now.
I could look for more things like this tzatziki I am eating. Dairy based, so there’s plenty of good B12 in there. And zero prep time.
I got tzatziki, I got Triscuits, I got baby carrots, I’m a happy man.
Too bad I do not, in general, like yogurt. Plus the flavoured yogurts are almost always loaded with fucking sugar.
I hate it when they take a healthy food and fuck it up. Like what they did with oatmeal. Pretty much turned it into a dessert.
And don’t get me started on the drinkable desserts Starbucks calls “coffee”. What a scam. They get away with selling the equivalent of two hot fudge sundaes to people because it’s technically still “a coffee” and everyone drinks coffee, right?
We have this whole cultural edifice around coffee being a normal, productive thing that everybody drinks throughout the work day. It’s so prevalent that every office has to both have a coffee room and designated times of the day allotted for the drones to go drink more profit juice.
It’s objectively very bad for people, and yet, it’s now an institution and there would be blood on the streets if you made people go back to an actual coffee.
Eventually they won’t even bother with actual coffee any more. They will just put artificial coffee flavour in there and nobody will notice the difference.
Hmmm. Apparently I’ve been carrying around bitter thoughts about Starbucks for quite a long time. Them and the whole dessert-ification of coffee.
I guess bad nutrition still pisses me off sometimes, even though I am far from being a health food fanatic.
But eat some fucking vegetables, people.
I promise I won’t tell your parents.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.