So, I still haven’t done that last bit of administrivia for that job I’m after.
Why not? Because I’m scared.
As is usual for this era of my life, I’m not scared of any specific outcome. It’s not like I am terrified of being rejected, or accepted for that matter.
I’m just scared in general. Scared to face the world, I suppose. Scared of transitioning into a life where I am involved and interconnected and there are expectations of me and people are relying on me and stuff like that.
Scared to be alive. More or less.
Let’s explore that : scared to be alive because it means, at its heart, an increase in stimulation levels, and I have spent decades fleeing from that by experiencing reality almost exclusively through this computer of mine.
That’s the stimulation level I can handle. The nice, safe computer, where everything is under my control and through which I play my games.
And unlike real life, if they get too loud, I can turn them down. Or off, if needed.
But it’s more than merely sensory. After all, this UpWork job I am pursuing would take place entirely through my computer and yet it still scares me.
In that case it’s a matter of exposure. Getting that last bit of work done and sending it off would mean officially exiting my dank little grotto and heading out into the big bright bustling world on a more metaphorical level, and that’s terrifying to me.
Goes to show that no matter how bold and wonderful your intentions, if you haven’t cleared it with your inner child and/or deeper self, it’s doomed.
Irrational it may be, but it still has a powerful veto over everything you do, and if you want to move forward, you have to address its concerns.
Hence my writing about this subject today. I’m trying to work through my feelings on the subject in hopes of finally moving forward on this.
And it’s working. I can feel myself thawing out from that horrible flash frozen feeling I get when the fear hits hard and freezes me up solid.
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
I’ll get over it as long as I keep the pressure up and refuse to give up. That’s what the evil invader in my mind that is my depression wants me to do. It wants me to give up and run away and hide under the bed until it all goes away.
But I know where that shit leads. Not just to immediate failure, but to self-loathing, depression, and me being too scared to even try again for months.
Well fuck that noise. The only way out is through. If my deeper self wants to stop so bad, it will only get there by actually doing the fucking work.
Failure is not an option. Success is the only goal. I will surmount and overcome this obstacle and every other one life present me.
If I do not get this gig, it will NOT be because I gave up.
Fuck that. I will overcome, and I will succeed.
More after the break.
The triumph of entropy
I am officially becoming concerned about my recent level of tiredness.
I feel like I’m winding down. Like I am slowly running out of energy. Like I am not getting back through sleep all the energy I expend while awake.
And it’s not like I put out that much, for fuck’s sake.
And yet, this is not the sick kind of tiredness, the kind that comes from being ill. The kind that makes me feel oppressed and suppressed and depressed.
In other words, pressed.
Pressed down by gravity, and entropy, and life in general.
No, this is the healthy kind of tiredness that expresses itself mostly as good wholesome sleepiness, complete with yawning and heaviness of the eyelids.
Sorry if I just made you yawn. If it’s any consolation, I made myself yawn too.
Anyhow, for now I am choosing to interpret this sleepy period as my body and mind trying to get to a healthy place where I get enough sleep, including enough of those juicy REM cycles, for me to actually function as a human being as opposed to being in a half-sleep state all the fucking time.
Gee, I wonder where all this brain fog comes from.
It couldn’t be the fact that I walk around in a half-dream state as a way to reduce the stimulation levels of my already understimulating world, could it?
Nah. Must be like, retrogrades and toxins or something.
Mother and the Machine : Remastered
Been thinking a lot about two sides of my multifaceted personality lately.
It’s been sparked by all these INTJ videos I have been watching on YouTube. On the one hands, it’s always soothing to watch stuff about INTJs like me because it reduces the feeling of utter alienation that our solitary and independent natures leads to.
I definitely feel that I am my own worst enemy sometimes due to that.
But on the other side of the coin is the fact that I am, at the same time, a warmly empathic and caring person with a bright and engaging personality and a lot of charisma and charm
And on the surface at least, that seems completely incompatible with being an INTJ.
It’s like I am two different people, one of whom is a cold, calculating, analytical cyborg chess player and the other is a big gooey ball of warmth and friendliness and deep down fluffy soft lovability.
And it’s very hard to put those two sides together into a single conception of self.
All I can think of is some kind of robot teddy bear. Like Teddy Ruxpin.
SO all this leaves me wondering, as always, just who and what I am. What kind of bizarre creature can contain such radically different and powerful forces?
Choosing which one is the “real” me is a fool’s game. Such questions swallow their own tails almost immediately.
Everything in my head is me. Even the bad parts.
But it’s not hard for me to pick the one I like more. Warm fluffy me is way way more likable than robot insect me.
Yet I continue to need to be both.
So somehow I have to fit them together if I want to be whole.
And I do.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.