Chalk this one up to the unintended effects of opening myself up emotionally.
But between my reaction to the mysterious vanishing email yesterday[1] and the spinwarp I got into just now over deciding what and when to eat, it is becoming clear to me that I am a rather excitable person when the depression isn’t dragging me down.
In a way, it’s almost cute. Me getting into a tizzy while trying to make up my mind about relatively simple things like I am some tiny Mediterranean dude.
And while the increase in stress is not exactly welcome, I can live with this revelation.
I don’t have to always be the calm and reasonable one. I’ve been that person in the past but I have to wonder if that was a virtue or a symptom.
If it’s a symptom, I can live without it.
Besides, I imagine that things will balance out a tad more over time. Right now, this excitability is new so it’s acting by itself. But give it a few weeks and I am sure it will integrate into the rest of my personality and be a tad less volatile.
But either way, I would rather be excitable and enthusiastic and optimistic than calm and depresses and apathetic any day.
Who knows, this could be the first signs of a whole new version of me dawning. Me with access to my full creative power, full of inspiration and goodwill and overflowing hope.
Because I am perky, god damn it. When I allow myself to be.
And why wouldn’t I?
The Late Late Late LATE Show
So here I am, eating “lunch” at 7 pm.
It’s the same old story. I decided I am going to stop playing the game I am playing when I get to a certain point in the game and then the universe conspires to make that point recede into the distance like the end of the corridor in a nightmare.
In this case, I was searching all over for the exit to a place only to find, two hours later, that there was no exit per se and that to end that part of the game I had to talk to some people about the mission instead.
As a result, I didn’t exit the game until it was 4:45 pm. And that would have been bad enough, but then the tizzy du jour happened and I ended up not being able to figure out what the fuck to do with myself until almost 6 pm.
Then I was able to at least order my groceries. And after that I figured out :
- That I was going to order in
- What I was going to order
- That I wanted it ASAP
That only took another half hour of dither, tither, hither, and thither.
Hence my eating “lunch” at 7pm. Which would technically mean “supper” would be at 1- pm, but to be honest, I will probably skip it.
Or maybe just have a light snack then. I will be eating my snack 2.5 hours later at around 12:30 am, so I could honestly go either way.
Regardless, it’s honestly no big deal and nothing to get all stressed out about.
But if that’s the price I have to pay for freedom, I will pay it a million times over.
More after the break.
And the beat goes on
The beaten down feeling, that is.
I had intended to make an appointment to see Doctor Chao, my GP, today. Totally forgot. Sure hope this is all psychological because if it ain’t, I might be neglecting myself into some serious trouble.
So what else is new?
Even if it is “all in my head”, it could still be cause for concern, I suppose. Faint little shadows of the Bad Thoughts have been tiptoeing through my mind lately.
But in a somewhat different form. There’s no toxic self-loathing involved any more. No desire to cleanse the world of my loathsome self.
Just the basic desire to not feel like this any more.
But don’t worry folks. I am light years from danger. This would barely qualify as “suicidal ideation”. I’m just extremely vigilant about such things for obvious reasons.
And if things get substantially worse, I will hie me hence to the hospital posthaste. Whether it’s physiological or psychological.
I am not going to take risks with something like this.
Honestly, what I really feel like doing right now is hibernating. Or slipping into a coma.
There’s a subtle difference.
I just want to keep sleeping until I am actually fucking DONE. I am getting very tired of waking up tired and sleeping but staying sleepy.
Sleep just takes the edge off.
And this could still all be the long term effects of blowing the lid off my emotions. I am embracing my emotions without reservation or pause these days and that is bound to bring a lot of very bad shit that I have been suppressing for decades to the surface.
It’s certainly a different kind of world I am living in now. I am abandoning my numbness and its cold cold comforts in favour of feeling every single thing that is in me to feel, warts and all.
And I know I shall not waver in this mission no matter how bad I feel. I have the bit in my teeth now and there is no turning back until I have bitten it clean through.
I have access the deep rage at my core and turned it towards the real enemy, my depression, and I will drive it back until I have swept these lands clean.
The real me is waking up and he is seriously pissed off about all the bullshit that has been going on while he was asleep.
And he’s cleaning house.
So as wearisome as this deep sadness has gotten, I will keep going.
And if there is one thing I know I am good at, it’s keeping going no matter what.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.