I’m gonna tell this backwards, starting with what just happened.
I came to the computer already very emotionally raw and upset for reasons I will go into shortly, only to find that I had forgotten to log out when I was done fluffing around on Tapestries this morning.
And while I was logged in, my man Luke, whom I have not seen in a month, logged in and was all happy to see me then when I didn’t reply he greeted me again, but with a lot less energy, and then much later he just logged out.
And now I am freaking out with guilt because my negligence caused this man I love to get all excited to see me then be sad because I wasn’t replying and then try again clearly depressed and then just go away sad. :(:( 🙁
And I know it was an accident but I feel like I am losing my mind imagining how hurt he must have been and how depressed I must have made him and I CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT. I feel like it is tearing me apart down the middle and there is nothing I can do or say to make it right because I don’t even have an email address for him let alone a phone number and I want to talk to him and tell him how sorry I am so bad but there is nothing I more I can do.
I left him a note on Tapestries and that’s not nearly enough and I have been crying my eyes out and blowing my nose and trying to calm down without going insane for like half an hour now and I really should be eating my lunch but I am way way too upset and if I tried to eat now I would probably throw up (yay “nervous stomach”) and now I am worried that the not eating plus the emotional exertion will lead to my having a low blood sugar incident and I feel like I am falling apart.
OK. Now I am calm enough to explain the first part.
I have been reading this very long episodic Zootopia fanfic called Striped Up. It’s about a human cop who dies and wakes up as a tigress in the Zootopia universe.
She is the protag for most of it (occasionally it switches to Judy’s POV) and I like her but not everything about her and this is about one of those… differences.
In the chapter in question, she is on patrol when she gets a call about a robbery. But when she gets to the scene, she finds the “thieves” are actually the victims of two anti-fox bigots who savagely beat them and pepper sprayed them right in the eyes.
Just two innocent young people, brother and sister, caught by heinous racists in the nefarious act of trying to steal a small bag of apples, probably because they are starving, and monstrously brutalized by horrible people for it.
Jesus, why did it have to be foxes? Could have been any other species. But no.
But then, our protagonist commits horrible acts of brutality against the bigots, including shattering a beaver’s front teeth, and now I am upset in two directions because what the perps did was atrocious but what our protag did to them was worse.
Because the bigots have stupidity, ignorance, and (sort of) good intentions on their side. Our tigress cop does not. She had no right to do that to those morons and honestly she should lose her badge and go to jail forever for it.
And that’s the point in the story when I realized I was genuinely extremely upset by what I was reading and had better stop.
That’s when I put town my tablet, got my lunch, came to the computer. and discovered what had happened with Luke.
Now I am going to lay down and try to relax and recover from… all of this.
More after the break.
Got another gay furry porn comic to recommend.
It’s called Boomer’s Big Date and it is a rather unusual love story.
Oh, and while Boomer himself isn’t my type, holy crap is that tiger hot. I am so jealous of Boomer for getting with someone that sexy AND snuggly.
I mean, imagine how soft his fur must be. Oh my. Ahem.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
After today’s incident
You know how I feel about today’s big emotional ketchup burst?
Grateful. I am glad the universe conspired to force some big time emotions out of me for once. I know I will be far better off for it.
It seems to do that now and then. Perhaps on some impossibly deep level I am subconsciously making it happen, although I can’t imagine how.
But I am willing to entertain the notion that our subconscious minds understand things on a deeper and more fully integrated level than our conscious minds ever could, and that it can push us towards certain outcomes via “random” choices.
I think that’s how that whole positive visualization thing works, I think. You do your affirmations or make your dream board or whatever and that primes the subconscious mind to make choices that feel right, and that leads to the desired outcome.
Anyhow, back to emotions.
I know that I need to loosen way the hell up so that it doesn’t take some unlikely confluence of events to bring me serious catharsis.
I mean, I also get catharsis by writing in this blog, but it slow and measured amounts.
That’s a speed I can handle, which I guess is what lets it happen in the first place.
But clearly what I need is something that takes me out of control and into the realm of unfiltered emotion like today’s incident so I can feel a lot more and think a lot less and bring on that goddamned flood I have been waiting for.
I mean, that’s what happens in the spring, right? The sun comes, the days get warmer, the ice melts, and the flood comes.
Well where’s my sunshine?
And how do I learn to let the light in?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.