And now I am really sick.
IT hit me all at once ;last night at around 11 pm. One moment I was fine and the next moment I felt like a cold dark cloud has passed between me and the sun.
I felt weak, and sick, and nauseous, and depressed. My head hurt and my fingers tingled and I felt terribly cold and lonely and scared.
Presumably, I an playing host to some kind of infection. It’s just weird how it snuck up behind me and mugged me like that.
Knowing me, it probably built up over a long time and the “breakthrough” moment when it “suddenly” attacked was actually just the moment when the problem crossed the sensory threshold into my conscious mind.
Or something like that.
Luckily, it didn’t stay that bad for too long. A couple of hours later I felt a lot better.
Still majorly fucked up, but better.
Since then, I have in the grips of malaise. I feel fragile and tired and weak and most worrying of all I keep getting attacks of dizziness at random moments,
Three times now I have come very close to taking a tumble and with my health being as fragile as it is, a fall could really fuck me up.
It almost feels like there’s heavy weights inside my limbs and sometimes when I move those weights slide down to my extremities and totally throw off my balance.
Maybe it’s just a reaction to fluids pooling here and there. I dunno.
Dunno if I will get all my words done today. So far it seems doable, although my current level of mental impairment means I have to type very slowly and deliberately or what comes out of these fingers of mine will be a big ol’ mess.
Of course, as much as I hate the idea, I have to contemplate going to the fucking ER. I really don’t want to because the ER sucks as an experience, but my symptoms have been pretty extreme – like, more so than a normal cold or infection – so caution and common sense dictate that I have to at least entertain the idea.
But having given it some thought, I don’t think it’s necessary yet. I am doing reasonably okay now that I have gotten some hydration and nutrition into me and if I stay the course, it feels to me like I am on my way to getting better.
Which would make this yet another in a long string of incidents in which I get real sick all of a sudden and feel miserable for a while then it disappears like smoke leaving me wondering what the fuck is going on.
And of course, the world of medicine can’t help me because by the time I got to the ER and made it through the system to actually see a doctor, it would be gone.
So unless I want to keep a go-bag constantly packed so that I can rush off to the ER the moment I feel ille, I’m just going to have to put up with it, I guess,.
Why does my life have to be so fucked up?
More after the break.
The fall at the end
Almost made it to the front door to pick up my Poke Okey order plus a fork to eat it with and back without a disaster.
And it was not easy. I am feeling a lot weaker than usual and I am usually pretty weak. I really hope this isn’t permanent – that whatever disease I have hasn’t just gotten worse as a result of this infection.
Thinking my trip to the door and the Pokey Okey order than prompted it were a bad idea because now my legs hurt.
Luckily, I have our good friend Gabapentin to hopefully handle that problem.
It might make me fall asleep sometime soon, but I won’t be in pain.
Oh right, the fall. Once more, it was the sitting back down again that doomed me. I was almost done with my journey when I tried to flop down into my computer chair and missed the chair almost entirely.
Luckily, this room of mine is totally dominated by my king sized bed, so I bounced off the edge of the seat of my computer chair and onto my bed. Phew!
And I just sat there for a while. Because falls are scary and leave me feeling vulnerable and weak and fragile, and it takes some time before I can calm down the point where I can trust the universe enough to move.
The Gabapentin is working its magic. No more leg pain. Damn, I love this stuff. The pain is gone and I don’r feel doped up at all.
It’s like it just turns down the volume on your pain.
Right now I just feel relaxed and comforted. Like I’ve been cuddling with a loved one and we are now in an advanced state of mellow.
Once I am done here, I am going to lay down and get some sleep. I slept for three hours earlier, which is unusual for me.
Usually I am lucky if I make it to two hours.
And yeah, I know that’s bad but I don’t know how to fix it. Either that or I know theoretically how to fix the problem but I lack the energy and focus to do it.
That’s how it goes with me. All my problems could be solved…. if I was someone else. Someone functional and fully conscious and so on. Someone who has at least a controlling percentage of their of their shit together.
In other words. someone who wouldn’t even have my problems in the first place.
But I’m not that guy. I’m me. I’m broken. My attempts to get my poop in a group end up being like a bird trying to fly with a broken wing.
You have to admire them for trying but you know they can’t succeed.
Me, I have a broken spirit. Things that “should” work for me don’t because they require me putting weight on my broken spirit and that’s impossible.
Couple that with a total lack of motivation, meaning there is nothing I want to do badly enough to actually do it, and you get a dude who is 50 and has done practically nothing with his life but play video games. Like me.
And I dn’t know how to fix these issues. I don’t know how to convince myself that it is safe to want things. I don’t know how to lose these blues and be more positive. I don’t know how the fuck I am supposed to fly with a broken wing.
Guess I’ll just die, then.
I will talk to you nice people agan tomorrow.